Tag Archives: Pain

Second Breath of Apology ~ Feelings

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1.

If you’ve read Breath 1 – skip down to Lucy, below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

Breath 2 ~ FEELINGS

ACCUSED

Acknowledge the other person’s FEELINGS ~

Put yourself in your accuser’s shoes and imagine how they felt, even if they have not expressed any feelings beyond anger. Until you have done this they will continue to have no interest in anything you have to say.

Trust me!

It will not help them one iota for you to tell them:

But I didn’t mean to.
It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.
Let me just explain.
You have no idea the pressure I was under.
Hey, you could have done something.
I did not do this on purpose for heaven’s sake!
Can’t a person make a mistake?

In fact, these tend to make things worse. Have you noticed?

So, resist the urge – which will be strong! Instead, try this ~

“Oh Fiona, you felt awful that night! You felt abandoned by me when I did not introduce you to those folks we were talking to. And then at dinner, it sounds as though you felt jealous that I had someone to talk to – and it did not help that it was a woman – and you were stuck between two folks you did not enjoy. And for sure you don’t want to get put in a situation like that again. Did I get this right, or am I missing some parts still?”

ADVANTAGES?

Cultivating the will-power to curb your righteous-indignation and make the effort to see a situation from another person’s point of view is like weight-lifting for the soul. It’s very hard, takes vast effort, is super good for you, and (I promise) gets easier with repetition. If you can start by practicing this with people you love – your children, partner, family members and friends – one day you might find yourself being able to empathize effectively with someone at work. Or , you might even find yourself being able to talk down an angry, violent person who simply needs someone to listen to them. You never know how this sort of inner strength will come in handy.

ACCUSER

Continue to clarify your FEELINGS ~

Did the person who triggered your pain manage to express accurately enough how you are feeling? Do you need to have them understand any aspect of that painful event more fully? Now is your chance to see if you feel genuinely and fully understood. It’s your job to help the accused understand you – there is only so much they can guess.

“Well, you’ve got most of it right. I did feel abandoned and jealous. I think what made it worse for me is that you know how vulnerable I feel amongst your super-smart financial market friends. Right in the midst of my six month parenting leave and all I can think to talk about is Sylvia sitting up and how cute she is. I ended up feeling boring, dumb and unattractive.”

ADVANTAGES? This is a gift for you. When someone has – inadvertently or otherwise – triggered some hot buttons for you, being invited to name and share your feelings will help you get over your pain more quickly than any other way I know of. You can help the pair of you by staying present. What are you feeling? Need help identifying your feelings? Click here – parrott-emotions-tree-2001(3). Remember, emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself. You are in pain because of these feelings which have been triggered in you. This means your way out, is through.

ACCUSED Repeat Breath 2 ~ Keep going around by inviting your accuser to say more about their feelings while you continue to acknowledge what they are saying.

Again remind yourself – you are not pleading guilty. You are simply helping someone in pain to identify precisely how they are in pain, so they can feel better. You did not plant these feelings. These feelings were triggered by the other person – it is important they feel them so they can start to understand how they were triggered and maybe how to not have them be triggered next time.

This is Part 2 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Third Breath of Apology ~ COMPASSION

First Breath of Apology ~ The Story

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Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

First Breath ~ THE STORY

ACCUSER Be brave and speak up

Feel entitled. Say “Listen to me!” Let your story out. Tell your partner what is going on for you and why you are so upset. Give as many details as you can to help the accused see things from your point of view.

“I’m never ever going to an office party with you again! You abandon me the moment we get there, you schmooze with everyone and don’t introduce me to half of them. And then, at dinner, you sit next to that new woman and spend the whole night in quiet conversation leaving me across from you between two crashing bores whom I didn’t even know!”

ADVANTAGES? In any reconciliation process, the person who has experienced something painful needs to tell their story. It’s a bit like rounding up the all the loose edges of a tumour in surgery. If you leave tendrils of cancer behind, the cells will re-grow. Telling your story as fully and honestly as you possibly can will allow you to eventually let it go.

ACCUSED Close that beak & listen quietly to the accusation.

Face your accuser. Breathe deeply. Give this issue your full attention. Do not, under any circumstances, explain, justify, defend or deny. Zip it and listen. If your mind is busy doing anything other than listening, you’ll miss too much.

ADVANTAGES? This step is the key to your success. As long as someone is feeling hurt they will have no interest in hearing anything from you: no whys, excuses, justifications or pleas for forgiveness will trump their need to just spit out the pain. All the things we usually do actually make things worse. This is not about you. This is about the impact something you have done (or not done, or said) has had on someone else. Sure, you may feel they have over-reacted or might not feel so dreadful if they only understood things from your point of view. Maybe. However, given that “ultimate reality” is up for grabs in any given situation, what I’m advocating for here is “what is most helpful in this situation right now?” This step is the most helpful thing you can do.

This is Part 1 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Second Breath of Apology ~ FEELINGS

Suicidal Friend?

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If you know someone who may be talking about taking their own life – read on.

This article is part 3 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, inspired by the recent loss of a dear friend – Simon “Sketch” Ellis – who took his own life in early 2013. This piece is dedicated to friends out there all over the world who might – one day – have the opportunity to help someone they know and love to make a different choice.

Given that for every murder you hear about in the news, there are 2 to 3 successful suicides, a suicidal friend might be much closer than you think.

If you’re worried about a friend, pay attention to ~

THEIR WORDS:

“Nothing brings me pleasure any more.”
“You’d all be better off without me.”
“Life’s pretty pointless.”
“I’m in so much pain.”
“I can’t face another Christmas like this.”
“It’s too late – I’ve nothing to live for.”
“Nobody understands.”

THEIR ACTIONS:

Have they given loads of stuff away lately?
Have they bought something expensive like a boat even when facing financial hardship?
Do they have wild mood swings from very low to very manic?
Are they overdoing drugs or alcohol?
Are they reading about suicide?
Are they hoarding pills or buying weapons?

THEIR HISTORY:

Have they ever attempted suicide before?
Have they just ended a close relationship?
Have they lost a loved one to suicide?
Have they had a recent “bad-news” medical diagnosis?
Have they been recently discharged from hospital?
Have they been recently discharged from prison?
Have they been through a painful, ugly divorce?
Has someone close to them just died?
Have they recently been in a war zone?
Have they been bullied?
Have they recently “come out” as LGBT and been met with hostility?

Any one of these alone isn’t enough to lead a person to suicide, but if you begin to connect the dots and have some inkling your friend is in deep emotional pain,

REMEMBER THESE 3 THINGS

Very few people are 100% committed to ending their life. This means they will have mixed feelings: part of them just wants to end the pain, but part of them is scanning for any signs of hope and help. You’ll be speaking directly to that part of them that wants to live.
Talking about suicide does not make someone suicidal.
You won’t get this wrong if you care.

WHAT TO SAY

Part 1 – Connect

Ask for some time with your friend.
Share what you’ve noticed (see the indicators or clues above).
Let them know you are concerned.
Ask them what’s going on.
Listen very carefully.

Part 2 – Understand

Work to understand all the things troubling your friend.
When you think he or she has said everything, ask “What else is troubling you”?
Stay warm, empathic and attentive.

Part 3 – Ask the 5 Questions

If the list of painful feelings and events is getting pretty long and you can tell your friend feels overwhelmed, ask each of the five questions below, pausing between each question to listen to the answers:

“Are you thinking of killing yourself?”
“How do you plan to take your life?”
“Do you have what you need?”
“Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”
“What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Part 4 – How “LETHAL” [to themselves] is your friend?

If your friend answers “Yes – I have been thinking about suicide actually” notice how the answers to the next four questions will frame what you do next in terms of how LETHAL their plan is.

You ask “How do you plan to take your life?”

Low lethality response: “Well, you know, I wish I could just take a few too many pills one night.”
High lethality response: “I plan to shoot myself.”

You ask “Do you have what you need?”

Low lethality response: “I’ve got a few tramadol, but I guess I’d have to get a prescription for a whole lot more.”
High lethality response: “Yes, I have a loaded gun in my house.”

You ask “Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”

Low lethality response: “Oh no – I’ve felt bad from time to time like this, but even though I talk about it – just as a way to feel like I could end the pain, you know – I’ve never tried anything.”
High lethality response: “Yes. Took an overdose 6 months ago – ended up getting my stomach pumped since I didn’t take enough and my wife found me. This time I’ll make sure I finish the job.”

You ask “What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Low lethality response: “I’m not sure why now – I’ve been slipping in to a lower and lower mood I guess, but come to think of it, I’d like to see my granddaughter’s Christmas play.”
High lethality response: “Well, tomorrow is the 5^th anniversary of my son’s death over in Afghanistan. I’ve never forgiven myself for pressuring him enlist. Told him he’d amount to nothing if he didn’t get some discipline. The wife left me over it. I told myself last year when she left me, that I couldn’t face that anniversary again.”

You get the picture right – the person who is thinking about maybe getting a prescription is not in the same urgency bracket at the second man – whose pain is exquisite, and whose means and timeframe are immediate.

If you are still not sure however, you can always ask

“On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is no way will you kill yourself any time soon and 10 is you don’t plan to see tomorrow, where are you?”

Part 5 – Take Action

Remember – you are talking to that part of this person who wants to believe there is hope for a future. Hope for the pain to pass. Even the broken father in the scenario above will have a small % of himself clinging to life.

If your friend’s plan is on the low lethality spectrum, let them know~

You are concerned.
You care about them and want them to find more happiness.
You know they have mixed feelings – part of them just wants to end the pain and part of them wants to believe life can be good again.
Ask them if they will commit to getting some help – seeing their local doctor, talking with family, meeting with you again, etc.

If your friend’s plan is on the high lethality spectrum, let them know~

You are very concerned.
Even though it seems as though they are hell-bent on ending their lives, let them know you know there is some small % of them that wants to live.
Tell them you are talking to that part – even if it is only 2% of them.
Tell that part you are taking them to the hospital right now.
On the way, brainstorm for the names of any other beings on the planet who might be devastated if this person killed themselves – grand-kids, spouse, children, siblings, dear friends, dog… hunt for whatever you can that will connect this person to life.
Remember – IF you’ve had this conversation it has clearly all been with the part of him or her who wants to live. If your friend wants to kill himself, he still can. Another day. Not on your watch.

Part 6 – Take Care of Yourself

Whether your friend is successfully helped and ends up living a happier life, or becomes one of the “successful” suicides, you’ll probably need to talk about this with someone yourself. By all means use the resources below to get some help.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

Avoid the following ~

“I know just what you mean.” You don’t, and it’s not about you just now.
“Don’t worry – things will all work out.” Again, you don’t know, so don’t lie.
“You do it then – just go ahead and kill yourself!” Bluffs won’t make you feel good when they are carried out.
“You’re so selfish to even consider suicide – you’ll just mess up your family.” Someone considering suicide is at the end of their rope, already strangled by guilt, and feeling un-entitled to pretty much even their next breath. Adding a guilt trip (however true this may be) will not help alleviate their mood of despair.
“But you have so much to live for!” Again, you are not talking to a resourceful, rational being here.

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