This past year – 2015 – I challenged myself to identify and share the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-did.”

Here’s the list – and at the end of this article are links to each of the posts I’ve written on this journey:

As a Marriage & Family Therapist I spend time every day with brave people who’ve hit some relational wall with a spouse, partner, sibling, parent, child or co-worker and who want to understand what went wrong, how to fix it and  – best of all – how not to hit that wall again in the future.

 

Then what indeed.

I’m going out on a limb here.

I’m going to claim that I think there is one skill, one way of being that helps everything.

I’ve not named it as one particular skill in my list of 12 so I need to figure out how to do that. But I have discovered it weaving through all of the skills I’ve written about.

It’s not so much a Rosetta Stone metaphor as a “how does a fish know it’s in water” question.

Question:

So what is this one thing which, if applied to any relationship, makes the biggest difference?

Answer:

It’s the ability to bring conscious awareness to each moment. It’s the ability to be in your life, in each moment, at the same time as you are aware of your life and yourself in each moment.

It’s the ability to be “The one who watches.”

Why?

Because each of these 12 skills –

1. Recognize and get to know the many versions of you
2. Learn how to choose which “you” shows up in any given moment
3. Accept and get curious about other people’s complexity
4. Master the art of conversation
5. Listen with your whole self
6. Cultivate empathy
7. Be kind
8. Negotiate with a win-win mentality
9. Build or re-build trust
10. Be genuinely sorry and apologetic when necessary
11. Forgive and move on when necessary
12. Let go of past resentments, present blindness and future expectations ~

each of them, depends upon your ability to do this. To nurture the intelligent life within your heart and mind and body and stay awake and aware of your moments.

If you are not present to your own moments, how will you know ~

1. what mood you’re in?
2. which version of you needs to show up?
3. how others are responding to you?
4. how you’ll speak if you’re not connected to your heart?
5. how to listen if you’re unaware of what ears you’re listening with?
6. how the other chap is feeling to foster empathy?
7. what kindness in this moment might look like?
8. what win-win means for the two of you?
9. how trust can arise?
10. what you’ve done that is hurtful?
11. what you are genuinely capable of forgiving within your own heart?
12. what you are holding onto in the past, present or future that you may wish to lighten up?

At the heart of this celebration of conscious awareness is a big, fat, juicy invitation to fall more deeply in love with yourself. Here’s a sweet reminder from Anne Lamott

If you don’t believe in God, it may help to remember this great line of Geneen Roth’s: that awareness is learning to keep yourself company. And then learn to be more compassionate company, as if you were somebody you are fond of and wish to encourage. I doubt that you would read a close friend’s early efforts and, in his or her presence, roll your eyes and snicker. I doubt that you would pantomime sticking your finger down your throat. I think you might say something along the lines of, ‘Good for you. We can work out some of the problems later, but for now, full steam ahead!” 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To those who have subscribed to this blog – a huge thank you! My commitment to weekly blogging will be changing and these ideas will take on a new form. I’d love to have your company as this next iteration evolves.

To those who have stumbled here via some other portal, thank you! I’d love your company moving forward so do please sign up so we can stay in touch.

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the last article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

• “Wise Up” – Don’t “Give Up””
• My Top 12 Relationship Skills

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

• Part of Me Wants . . .
• Little Miss Sunshine
• The Purpose Driven Life

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

• Report The News – Don’t Act it Out
• Happy Families
• Self Leadership
• When Does A Relationship Need Help?

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

• 5 Non verbal Cues You Need To Know
• How To Change Someone Else
• 2 Magic Ratios for Great relationships
• Is Understanding Overrated?

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

• Five Conversations
• How To Never Be Boring
• The 5 Principles For Great Conversation
• The 7 Deadliest Fights & How To Fight Fair

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

• 5 Ways To Be A Better Listener
• Listening To Yourself
• Who’s Listening
• Beyond Emotion Coaching – Listening For Your Child’s Needs

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

• Thriving Through Tough Times
• Teaching Empathy to Adults
• Teaching Empathy to Children
• Living Empathically

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

• Kindness Is Key
• Cultivating Kindness
• Can We Ever Be Too Kind?
• Independence, Co-dependence and Interdependence
• One Small Step Toward Self Compassion

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

• The #1 Reason Marriages Fail
• How To Negotiate The Small Stuff in Marriage
• How To Negotiate The BIG Stuff in Marriage
• Values Worth Fighting For

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

• The Alphabet of Trust
• Can We Trust Too Much?
• How To Trust Yourself
• Before You Trust Again

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

• Apology “Fails.”
• The Anatomy of a Bad Apology.
• The Anatomy of a Good Apology
• The Anatomy of a Great Apology

SKILL ELEVEN ~ Forgive and Move On When They’ve Blown It

• Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows
• Why Forgive?
• How To Forgive Someone Else
• Forgive Yourself Already!

SKILL TWELVE ~ Let go. Relationships end. You’ll learn, grow and carry on.

• Let go of the past
• In This Moment, Let This Go
• Great Expectations-A Story
• The #1 Relationship Skill

 

I’ve gathered this list together from a variety of sources. Principally I want to acknowledge ~

• Dr. Richard Schwartz and Internal Family Systems;
• Marshall Rosenberg and Non Violent Communication;
• Dr. Haim Guinot and Between Parent and Child;
• Dan Wile and Collaborative Couples Therapy;
• Dr. John Gottman, and 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work;
• Dale Carnegie and How To Win Friends & Influence People
• My parents, whose individual lives were rich and principled yet whose marriage was tough. Their difficulties motivate my quest.
• And my own family – husband Mark, son Charlie and daughter Mona, who know how much I fall short of my efforts to relate well, and yet who love me anyway.
• Stuart Schnell, whose critical thinking, inquiring mind and generous nature have pushed several of these essays into greater clarity. I know there are more improvements needed Stuart!
• My rich and wonderful community of friends. You know who you are. You are supportive, forgiving, funny, kind, persistent, generous, giving and more. Oh – and you keep some champagne in your fridge “just in case!”