Tag Archives: Death

Suicide Survivor

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When someone you know and love deliberately ends their own life you get a free, lifetime membership into the not-so-very-exclusive  “SOS Club” club. Comes with this fine label too: you are now forever a Survivor Of Suicide, or a  “suicide survivor.”

If you lose someone to death by natural causes, or even if your loved one is murdered, you’re not called a “someone-murdered survivor” or  a “death-by-natural-causes survivor.” Only suicide brings with it such a complicated mourning, and the following bewildering array of  emotions:

  • “Shock is often the immediate reaction to suicide, along with a physical and emotional numbness. These are the ways of temporarily screening out the pain so that it can be experienced in smaller, more manageable steps.
  • Depression may appear as disturbed sleep, fatigue, inability to concentrate, change in appetite, and the feeling that nothing can make life worth living.
  • Anger may be part of the grief response, whether directed towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or oneself.
  • Relief may be a part of the reaction when the suicide followed a long decline into self-destructive behavior and mental anguish.
  • Guilt often surfaces as the feeling, “If only I had done.”, “If only I had said or not said.”
  • Why? Many survivors struggle long and hard with this question”

Taken from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Possibly because so many people kill themselves (twice as many as are murdered in many countries) and possibly because the rule-of-thumb wisdom is that each death impacts at least 6 other people deeply, (which gives us almost a quarter million new “suicide survivors” a year in the USA and 3 to 4 thousand new suicide survivors in New Zealand) there is a lot of very helpful information already published on the web.

Downloadable right here [ SOS_handbook ] is the Handbook of Survivors of Suicides, a wonderful small booklet, written by Jeffrey Jackson, and published by the American Association of Suicidology.  I quote from the beginning:

This is a book for people who have lost a loved one to suicide, written by someone who has suffered the same loss. I lost my wife, Gail, to suicide several years ago. She was 33 when she took a deliberate overdose of pills.

And downloadable right here is  [ Surviving a Suicide Loss-resource_healing_guide ] , published by the American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide.  The following words are from the front page:

We encourage survivors to gather, to remember, to speak aloud the precious names of those lost to suicide. You are in a safe place with those who understand. If you are very new to the tragedy of suicide loss, despair may be your companion. We hope you find some time to rest your burden and share it with those of us who need no explanation. There is no map on this path to becoming whole. It is the most painful of journeys — full of twists and turns, bruised hearts and misunderstandings. Small wonders appear on this path but we may be too sore or fragile to recognize them. But there will be a day when you can look back and know that they were there. We share your loneliness. We share your sorrow. We share your questions. We honor those we love who have been lost to suicide. May the radiance and beauty of their lives never be defined by their deaths.
Survivors are the most courageous people we know. Be well, be peaceful, be hopeful.

Resources for those in New Zealand

For  The Newly Bereaved After Suicide

Support Groups around New Zealand for people bereaved by suicide

Resources for those in United States

American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide

  • The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the nation’s leading organization bringing together people across communities and backgrounds to understand and prevent suicide, and to help heal the pain it causes. Individuals, families, and communities who have been personally touched by suicide are the moving force behind everything we do.
  • We strive for a world that is free of suicide.
  • We support research, because understanding the causes of suicide is vital to saving lives.
  • We educate others in order to foster understanding and inspire action.
  • We offer a caring community to those who have lost someone they love to suicide, or who are struggling with thoughts of suicide themselves.
  • We advocate to ensure that federal, state, and local governments do all they can to prevent suicide, and to support and care for those at risk.

The American Association of Suicidology   whose  mission is to:

  • Advance Suicidology as a science; encouraging, developing and disseminating scholarly work in suicidology.
  • Encourage the development and application of strategies that reduce the incidence and prevalence of suicidal behaviors.
  • Compile, develop, evaluate and disseminate accurate information about suicidal behaviors to the public.
  • Foster the highest possible quality of suicide prevention, intervention and postvention to the public.
  • Publicize official AAS positions on issues of public policy relating to suicide.
  • Promote research and training in suicidology.

Thanks for visiting. You can find the the rest of this mini-series on suicide here:

Suicidal Friend?

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If you know someone who may be talking about taking their own life – read on.

This article is part 3 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, inspired by the recent loss of a dear friend – Simon “Sketch” Ellis – who took his own life in early 2013. This piece is dedicated to friends out there all over the world who might – one day – have the opportunity to help someone they know and love to make a different choice.

Given that for every murder you hear about in the news, there are 2 to 3 successful suicides, a suicidal friend might be much closer than you think.

If you’re worried about a friend, pay attention to ~

THEIR WORDS:

  • “Nothing brings me pleasure any more.”
  • “You’d all be better off without me.”
  • “Life’s pretty pointless.”
  • “I’m in so much pain.”
  • “I can’t face another Christmas like this.”
  • “It’s too late – I’ve nothing to live for.”
  • “Nobody understands.”

THEIR ACTIONS:

  • Have they given loads of stuff away lately?
  • Have they bought something expensive like a boat even when facing financial hardship?
  • Do they have wild mood swings from very low to very manic?
  • Are they overdoing drugs or alcohol?
  • Are they reading about suicide?
  • Are they hoarding pills or buying weapons?

THEIR HISTORY:

  • Have they ever attempted suicide before?
  • Have they just ended a close relationship?
  • Have they lost a loved one to suicide?
  • Have they had a recent “bad-news” medical diagnosis?
  • Have they been recently discharged from hospital?
  • Have they been recently discharged from prison?
  • Have they been through a painful, ugly divorce?
  • Has someone close to them just died?
  • Have they recently been in a war zone?
  • Have they been bullied?
  • Have they recently “come out” as LGBT and been met with hostility?

 Any one of these alone isn’t enough to lead a person to suicide, but if you begin to connect the dots and have some inkling your friend is in deep emotional pain,

REMEMBER THESE 3 THINGS

  1.  Very few people are 100% committed to ending their life. This means they will have mixed feelings: part of them just wants to end the pain, but part of them is scanning for any signs of hope and help. You’ll be speaking directly to that part of them that wants to live.
  2.  Talking about suicide does not make someone suicidal.
  3. You won’t get this wrong if you care.

WHAT TO SAY

Part 1 – Connect

  • Ask for some time with your friend.
  • Share what you’ve noticed (see the indicators or clues above).
  • Let them know you are concerned.
  • Ask them what’s going on.
  • Listen very carefully.

Part 2 – Understand

  • Work to understand all the things troubling your friend.
  • When you think he or she has said everything, ask “What else is troubling you”?
  • Stay warm, empathic and attentive.

 Part 3 – Ask the 5 Questions

If the list of painful feelings and events is getting pretty long and you can tell your friend feels overwhelmed, ask each of the five questions below,  pausing between each question to listen to the answers:

  1. “Are you thinking of killing yourself?”
  2. “How do you plan to take your life?”
  3. “Do you have what you need?”
  4. “Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”
  5. “What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Part 4 – How “LETHAL” [to themselves]  is your friend?

If your friend answers “Yes – I have been thinking about suicide actually” notice how the answers to the next four questions will frame what you do next in terms of how LETHAL their plan is.

You ask   “How do you plan to take your life?”

  • Low lethality response:   “Well, you know, I wish I could just take a few too many pills one night.”
  • High lethality response:   “I plan to shoot myself.”

You ask   “Do you have what you need?”

  • Low lethality response:   “I’ve got a few tramadol, but I guess I’d have to get a prescription for a whole lot more.”
  • High lethality response:   “Yes, I have a loaded gun in my house.”

You ask   “Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”

  • Low lethality response:   “Oh no – I’ve felt bad from time to time like this, but even though I talk about it – just as a way to feel like I could end the pain, you know – I’ve never tried anything.”
  • High lethality response:   “Yes. Took an overdose 6 months ago – ended up getting my stomach pumped since I didn’t take enough and my wife found me. This time I’ll make sure I finish the job.”

You ask   “What’s the hurry? Why now?”

  • Low lethality response:   “I’m not sure why now – I’ve been slipping in to a lower and lower mood I guess, but come to think of it, I’d like to see my granddaughter’s Christmas play.”
  • High lethality response:   “Well, tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of my son’s death over in Afghanistan. I’ve never forgiven myself for pressuring him enlist. Told him he’d amount to nothing if he didn’t get some discipline. The wife left me over it. I told myself last year when she left me, that I couldn’t face that anniversary again.”

You get the picture right – the person who is thinking about maybe getting a prescription is not in the same urgency bracket at the second man – whose pain is exquisite, and whose means and timeframe are immediate.

If you are still not sure however, you can always ask

“On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is no way will you kill yourself any time soon and 10 is you don’t plan to see tomorrow, where are you?”

Part 5 – Take Action

Remember – you are talking to that part of this person who wants to believe there is hope for a future. Hope for the pain to pass. Even the broken father in the scenario above will have a small % of himself clinging to life.

If your friend’s plan is on the low lethality spectrum, let them know~

  1. You are concerned.
  2. You care about them and want them to find more happiness.
  3. You know they have mixed feelings – part of them just wants to end the pain and part of them wants to believe life can be good again.
  4. Ask them if they will commit to getting some help – seeing their local doctor, talking with family, meeting with you again,  etc.

If your friend’s plan is on the high lethality spectrum, let them know~

  1. You are very concerned.
  2. Even though it seems as though they are hell-bent on ending their lives, let them know you know there is some small % of them that wants to live.
  3. Tell them you are talking to that part – even if it is only 2% of them.
  4. Tell that part you are taking them to the hospital right now.
  5. On the way, brainstorm for the names of any other beings on the planet who might be devastated if this person killed themselves – grand-kids, spouse, children, siblings, dear friends, dog… hunt for whatever you can that will connect this person to life.
  6. Remember – IF you’ve had this conversation it has clearly all been with the part of him or her who wants to live. If your friend wants to kill himself, he still can. Another day. Not on your watch.

Part 6 – Take Care of Yourself

Whether your friend is successfully helped and ends up living a happier life, or becomes one of the “successful” suicides, you’ll probably need to talk about this with someone yourself. By all means use the resources below to get some help.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

Avoid the following ~

  • “I know just what you mean.”  You don’t, and it’s not about you just now.
  • “Don’t worry – things will all work out.” Again, you don’t know, so don’t lie.
  • “You do it then – just go ahead and kill yourself!” Bluffs won’t make you feel good when they are carried out.
  • “You’re so selfish to even consider suicide – you’ll just mess up your family.” Someone considering suicide is at the end of their rope, already strangled by guilt, and feeling un-entitled to pretty much even their next breath. Adding a guilt trip (however true this may be) will not help alleviate their mood of despair.
  • “But you have so much to live for!”  Again, you are not talking to a resourceful, rational being here.

SUPPORT FOR FOLKS IN NEW ZEALAND

  • Lifeline: 0800 543 354
  • National Healthline  0800 611 116
  • Depression helpline: 0800 111 757
  • Youthline: 0800 376 633
  • Samaritans: 0800 726 666
  • Great web site for depressed teens

SUPPORT FOR FOLKS IN THE USA

(I’ll add more as I find them – especially for the USA)

Other Articles in this Mini-Series

Suicide, who’s at risk?

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If you’ve stumbled upon this post, it’s part 2 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, dedicated to a dear man, Simon “Sketch” Ellis, who spent over 20 years travelling the world, making friends as he went. Sketch ended his own life earlier this year and those of us left are wondering what drew him toward that decision. This post  explores some of the facts about suicide, and draws attention to the risk factors that are most typically in play for someone who opts for death at their own hand.  The final 2 posts offer suggestions for how to help a friend in need, (what to say, what not to say, how to think about your friend so you feel empowered to take action), and finally how to survive life after death, if you’ve lost a loved one to suicide.

First of all, if you are in crisis now, or if you know of someone who is, take action. It is the rare soul who is 100% committed to death (see April 2nd post). Intervention can help.

In Crisis Now?

In New Zealand call            0800 611 116 National Healthline

In United States call            1-800-273-TALK (8255) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

 These lines are free, open all the time and available to anyone in need.

A few facts

  • In New Zealand in 2010 ,
  • of a total population of 4,367,700
  • 522 people killed themselves
  • Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 11.9
  • In the United States in 2010
  • of a total population of  308,745,538.
  • 38,000 killed themselves
  • Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 12.3

Read by friends at Sketch’s Memorial

He was humble, kind, generous, and considerate. His positive energy permeated into the souls of us all. He followed his dreams. He led the most colorful life filled with challenges that he embraced with open arms. He travelled the world; saw places, experienced different cultures that would make the likes of David Palin and Richard Attenborough jealous! Unlike the great explorers, we read about in our history books, he did not come to take he came to give. His ability to communicate with every walk of life, the nomads in Mongolia, the one-eyed guard in DR Congo, the Pakistani patient in the hospital in Qatar, the Cambodian rice farmer to name a few, made him welcome everywhere. He radiated trust and kindness. He was never afraid of hard work. He was happiest getting his hands dirty to help others. He was the most giving person I have ever met.

Rebecca

Drilling into the data a bit more we learn that  ~

  • Suicide is around the 10th leading cause of death
  • In most countries, women continue to attempt suicide more often than men
  • Men however, tend to be 4 times more successful
  • Firearms are the most common method of suicide in the USA for men
  • Suffocation (including hanging) and poisoning are the next most common methods
  • There is 1 suicide for every 25 attempts
  • The poor, minorities and disenfranchised kill themselves more often

In autopsies of those who commit suicide, US data discovered:

  • 33.3% tested positive for alcohol
  • 23% for antidepressants
  • 20.8% for opiates, including heroin and prescription painkillers

Not only did you travel to all those many countries, cities, towns and villages… You helped make things better along the way, fighting against poachers, helping reintroduce rehabbed  rhinos back into the wild, working with children just to name a  few…. You always gave so much of yourself and asked for so little in return.

Suzanne Stafford, USA

What are the risk factors for suicide?

More than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have these risk factors ~

  • depression and other mental disorders, or a substance-abuse disorder (9 in 10 report this)
  • prior suicide attempt
  • family history of mental disorder or substance abuse
  • family history of suicide
  • family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
  • firearms in the home (used in more than half of suicides)
  • incarceration
  • exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.

And maybe this explains what happened to someone as vivid and vital as Sketch –

  • three out of four individuals who take their own life had a physical illness when they committed suicide.

Well Nomad, you wandered this earth living life to the full and I was lucky enough that our paths crossed in Hong Kong in 96 and we traveled on in 97 to Cambodia, laughing a lot and having an adventure. It was good to catch up with you again in Cambodia just over a year ago, just didn’t expect that your travel’s would end on this earth. I expect you’re up there with your pack on your back moving from star to star ‘cause that’s what you were like. It  was a pleasure to have known you…happy travels on the other side.

Richard Williams

There’s so much yet to understand as our attitudes toward death-by-choice (including euthanasia) are pushed by the data. However, it’s important to remember that suicide is NOT a normal response to stress! Whilst the number of people suffering from depression, other mental illnesses and addictions is on the rise, “new research is showing that the risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, including serotonin. Decreased levels of serotonin have been found in people with depression, impulsive disorders, and a history of suicide attempts, and in the brains of suicide victims“.

Coming:

  • What to do if a friend is suicidal?
  • Life after death (by suicide)