Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Forgive Yourself Already!

In the United States of America, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and many of us will gather with family and friends and over-indulge. I’m looking forward to it!

But, I also appreciate that family gatherings can trigger our inner land-mines of old wounds, grudges, resentments, jealousies, expectations, wishes, bad habits, rivalries, disagreements, attempts to control or persuade – you get the picture. In other words, tomorrow (and the fast-approaching Holidays) provide ample opportunity for re-experiencing old pain.

So – today I am offering what I hope will be a little gift for you.

No matter what has gone down in the past, how be if today you forgive yourself?

Forgive yourself for ~

not being there when you were needed;
kindness with-held;
unkindness lavished;
the affair;
the divorce;
the custody battle;
the emotional cut off;
any pain you knowingly or unknowingly caused.

You’ll be much better company, and enjoy yourself and your friends and relations so much more, if you’re not hauling about old suitcases full of guilt.

If you feel ready to do this, wonderful! You could scroll down this page to a gold subheading – Some Guidelines for Self-Forgiveness.

But if you notice a wave of self-revulsion, judgment and overwhelm at the sense that your crimes and misdemeanors are far too heavy and numerous to shake off in a day, I have a true story that might help give you some welcome perspective.

In 1989, a worn photograph of a young Vietnamese man and a little girl was placed at the Vietnam Memorial wall, along with the following letter:

Dear Sir,

For 22 years I have carried your picture in my wallet. I was only 18 years old that day that we faced one another on that trail in Chu Lai, Vietnam. Why you did not take my life I’ll never know … Forgive me for taking your life, I was reacting just the way I was trained … So many times over the years I’ve stared at your picture and your daughter. I suspect each time my heart and guts would burn with the pain of guilt. I have two daughters of my own now. I perceive you as a brave soldier, defending his homeland. Above all else I can now respect the importance life held for you. I suppose that is why I am able to be here today. It is time for me to continue the life process and release the pain and guilt. Forgive me sir.

The letter was written by Richard Luttrell and he put the photo and letter at the base of The Wall hoping this act would alleviate his feelings of guilt and remorse.

It eventually worked, but not at all in the way he had expected.

His astonishing story aired May 25, 2008 on Dateline NBC. Excerpted below are some highlights, both in Luttrell’s own words (in red type) and Keith Morrison’s from Dateline, stringing the story along for us (in blue type).

Luttrell recalls, [the North Vietnamese man he shot that day] was the one moment, and the one act in combat that has been a burden for me for 33 something years.

MORRISON

It was 1967. Richard Luttrell, just barely old enough to sign up, was where he wanted to be — in the 101st airborne. He volunteered for Vietnam.

LUTTRELL

The day I got to my unit, the chopper came down in the jungle — and I saw the members of my platoon standing around . . my age… and these were some tough-looking guys. Just their eyes. And I can remember thinking, My God, what have I got myself into?

MORRISON

And then came the day that changed everything. It was hot, as always, like wearing a coat in a steam room, he had no idea his enemy was just a few feet away in the jungle.

LUTTRELL

Out of the corner of my right eye I see movement … I could see an NVA soldier leaning over with an AK 47, squatting.

MORRISON

First time you’d ever seen a North Vietnamese soldier?

LUTTRELL

Right, in my whole life, ever seen one. I had to react. I had to do something, it was my decision.

MORRISON

He was in the enemy’s gun sight. Death was a heartbeat away. He turned, and looked the enemy soldier full in the face.

LUTTRELL

It seemed like we stared at each other for a long time. And then, like it was all in slow motion, he pulled the trigger. And I just started firing, full automatic. And he went down. It turned into a pretty heavy firefight. And I wasn’t smart enough to hit the ground — and somebody tackled me, and took me to the ground.

MORRISON

Did you realize that particular North Vietnamese soldier could have killed you before you even saw him?

LUTTRELL

Absolutely, absolutely. And I’ve wondered even today – I go through my mind and I wonder why didn’t he fire?

After the firefight is over. After the adrenaline rush is over, and you’re all soaking wet, and you feel like your legs won’t hold you And it hits you — I just took a life.

I seen this picture sticking out, partially out. It looked like the face of a little girl with some long hair or something. And I pulled it out and it was real tiny. And it was a picture of a soldier and a little girl. I can remember holding the photo and actually squatting and getting close to the soldier and actually looking in his face and looking at the photo, and looking at his face.

It hit me really hard.

MORRISON

[Time passed, and eventually Luttrell had] . . . just 20 days left, when the bullet ripped into his back. The wound that sent him home. Rich came home to a case full of medals and married his hometown sweetheart, Carole. And as the ‘60s gave way to the ‘70s, the ‘80s he tried to put Vietnam behind him. He really didn’t talk about Vietnam for years. It just was something he kept very personal, and very hidden. But all the while, there in his wallet, was that picture. The little girl who would not let him go. Of course, he didn’t know yet – how could he? What that little image had in store for him.

LUTTRELL

I really formed a bond, especially with the little girl in the photograph…Here’s a young daughter doesn’t have a father thanks to me.

MORRISON

Year after year, he kept it in his wallet. As the torment he felt failed to go away… as it settled on his life like a darkening cloud. And, 20 years after his return from Vietnam, when Rich and his wife Carole were on vacation, he saw the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, and knew what he could do with that now tattered little photograph.

LUTTRELL

I said [to Carole] you know that picture? I’m going to leave it at the wall. And her face lit up. I could just see, this was something good. I sat down on the bed with just a scratch pad that was in the hotel room, I started thinking, I thought, if there was any way possible that you could talk to that soldier, what would you say, you know? And in like, just a couple of minutes, I scribbled out a little note.

MORRISON

In it, he said those few little things he’d always wanted to say. Not that he regretted being in that war… not that he regretted serving his country. No, he didn’t. It was instead that unending guilt, that uncontrollable sorrow, at having taken away a young father’s life.

The next day, Rich placed the photo and the letter at the foot of the memorial, under the names of 58,000 Americans who lost their lives in Vietnam.

LUTTRELL

And at that moment, it was like I had just finished a firefight and dropped my rucksack and got to rest. That load I was carrying was gone. It was gone. I just felt great. I felt free. Felt relieved, I felt free.

MORRISON

Or so he thought. Every day, hundreds of people say goodbye to bits and pieces of the war and leave them here along these granite walls and every single thing – sacred or profane – is collected and boxed up by park rangers. Including Rich’s photo. Which just happened to land at the top of one of those boxes, which just happened to land face up …which just happened to be seen by another Vietnam veteran who knew right away that this was something different.

Duery Felton is curator of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial collection. He has seen just about everything here. But a picture of an enemy soldier? And Duery said: “

I read that letter and it was about taking a life. It’s very difficult to do that. That decision has to be made in a matter of seconds. And you have to live with those decisions the rest of your life. So it was somewhat comforting, if that’s the proper term, to know that someone else has been through that, and they set it down on paper.

And before long the little photo and all the emotion it conjured up, infected this veteran, too. A tiny determined spirit floating from one old soldier to the next, reminding them both of the price they paid for pulling the trigger.

So when Duery Felton was asked to help produce a book, “Offerings At The Wall” he had a warehouse of objects and images from which to choose.

He put the little girl, and Rich’s letter, right there in the middle.

And of course Rich, who by now worked for Veterans Affairs, received a copy.

LUTTRELL

And I turned to page 53 and there was the picture of the picture I had left at the Wall, and the note I’d wrote to the soldier. For me, that moment was, it was almost a nightmare. It was like, you know, “Little girl, what do you want from me? You know, what do you want from me?”

MORRISON

Now the obsession returned full force. He knew he had to get the picture back. So he contacted Duery Felton, who’d become so attached to the photo himself he personally flew from Washington D.C. to Illinois to hand deliver it back to Rich. And anyone who didn’t understand might have found it rather strange that two middle aged men, who didn’t know each other, had never met, would hold on and weep real tears for a small girl neither knew.

LUTTRELL

And I was talking to my wife one evening and I said, “You know, I don’t know if it’s something mystic, or fate, but I said … somehow I have to return this picture.” And she said, “What do you mean?” And I said, “I’m gonna find that little girl, I’m gonna find that family of that soldier.”

MORRISON

So Rich called a newspaperman he knew in St. Louis, and the story made the front page of the Post Dispatch on Sunday. Then he folded up the article, and stuck it in a letter to the Vietnamese ambassador in Washington D.C, who told Luttrell he would forward it to Hanoi. And he said something to the effect of, “Maybe we’ll get lucky.”

And in Hanoi an enterprising newspaper editor recognized a good story when he saw one, and published the photograph along with an appeal: “Does anyone know these people?”

It just so happened that a man in Hanoi decided to send his mother a care package. He happened to wrap that package in this newspaper, the one containing Rich’s photo.

And then, by some bizarre coincidence, probably, the package made its way to a rural village north of Hanoi, where an old woman unwrapped it, saw the photo, took it to a neighboring hamlet, and told a woman there, “Here, this is your father.”

And before long, thousands of miles away, Rich Luttrell received a letter.

The girl had a name: Lan.

She had children herself.

LUTTRELL

It just didn’t seem possible, it seemed surreal. I just couldn’t believe it was happening. And of course, all that emotion again, and you know, now it’s real.

The difference between guilt and regret? I do carry some guilt because of that action. But I have no regret as a soldier, and participation in that war. And it was important for me to make sure they understood that.

MORRISON

Around then, it finally dawned on him: he would have to go back to Vietnam himself. He would have to carry the photo and give it back.

But how could he face his own closet full of horrors… and how would he face the girl?

LUTTRELL

How do you tell a little girl, “Hi, my name’s Rich Luttrell, I killed your father in Vietnam.”

There’s a risk there. I don’t know how they’re going to react.

MORRISON

Decades after Rich Luttrell aimed his weapon at another human being, and pulled the trigger, in the service of his country, he was about to perform his own personal act of atonement.

The day before he is to meet the girl, now woman, in the photo, Rich is almost beyond nervous.

It is a cloudy Wednesday morning in Hanoi. Rain is threatening, as Rich boards a van for the two and a half hour drive to Lan’s village.

A drive through a world changing fast but still utterly different. Past markets crowded with faces amazed to see this entourage… this white-haired man.

The village draws closer in the van he fidgets, edgy…

And then, suddenly, Rich and Carole are walking. Here is where that somber, serious soldier lived, had his children, the place to which he never returned. And then, just around a stone wall, rich sees a woman. And is sure…

LUTTRELL

I’ve already seen her, I know who she is.

[He recites a sentence he has learned in Vietnamese . . . ]

“Today I return the photo of you and your father, which I have kept for 33 years. Please forgive me.”

This is the photo I took from your father’s wallet the day I shot and killed him and that I’m returning it. He died a brave man, a courageous warrior. I’m so sorry.

MORRISON

Finally, it all comes pouring out.

This terrible, painful release. As if right now at this moment she is finally able to give in to grief, and cry for the father she never really knew.

She clutches Rich as if he were her father himself, finally coming home from the war. Her brother tells us that both of them believe that their father’s spirit lives on in Rich. They expect we’ll think its just superstition and perhaps, they say, it is.

But for them, today is the day their father’s spirit has come back to them.

The whole village has turned out to see the photo returned.

In the company of former enemies, Rich Luttrell felt as if his wounded soul had been stitched up and made new again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Some Guidelines for Self-Forgiveness

1. Notice if something is still “alive” for you.

Just as Rich Luttrell felt haunted by the image of the little Vietnamese girl, are there situations in your past that still cause you some pain? Are there things you did, or did not do, that you still feel complicated about ? If you are not at peace with some aspect of your past – it might just be that you could benefit from doing the work to forgive yourself for whatever it was.

2. Pay attention to what you’re judging in yourself.

The reason most of us feel guilt or pain for things we did or didn’t do in the past is because we are no longer who we were. We’ve updated our values. We’ve honed our principles. So – noticing what upsets us now about who we used to be is a wonderful sign-post toward who we are now. So for you – what are you holding onto? Can you be specific about the judgments you have for how “mishandled” something in the past?

3. Realize you’re a different person now.

Whether the behaviors that pain you happened last week or half a century ago, you’re not that same person today. Everything we do is contextual. You reacted to the reality you saw at the time. Everything about that – how you interpreted your reality, the stories you told yourself about that reality, and the options you identified as responses – all of those were limited by the view of life you held then. Can you see that?

4. Recognize, release and reap the rewards of your past regrets.

It can be tempting to hold onto our past “mistakes” as justifications for why life in this present moment is not perfect. In truth, that’s a recipe for staying stuck. It’s far more invigorating to round up those bad-boys and release them. Take an inventory. What do you regret? The job not taken? The second date you skipped out on? That favor a friend asked of you that you chickened out on? Make that list – and soften into an understanding for who you were back then. See the “you” who did that as a person worthy of your understanding and compassion. Consider what you’ve learned about yourself and human nature since then.

5. Create an imaginary repair.

OK – so now you’ve remembered what you didn’t appreciate about the way you handled something in the past , what do you wish you’d done? Let yourself think through what you would have done differently if the person you are today, right now, was facing that same situation. You can either visualize how you’d handle the situation now, with the skills, understanding, compassion and big picture you have today. Or, you can visualize yourself as the adult you are now, and go back in time back in to help that younger version of yourself behave in a way s/he would have felt better about.

6. Be kind you yourself.

If you can do these first five things –

Notice what still pings your conscience;
Name how you are judging yourself for this issue;
Appreciate who you were back then and why what you did made sense given the context, feelings, needs and skills you had then;
Recognize, release and reap the rewards of your past regrets.
And repair what you did in your imagination;

you may find yourself blossoming into a newer, kinder relationship with yourself.

I encourage you to give it a go. Those tight little knots of judgments about ourselves we hold onto takes energy. Letting them go will free you up to be more loving, attentive and compassionate toward those friends and relations you’ll be encountering these holidays.

With huge gratitude for

the abundance of opportunities for growth

that being alive and in relationship with our selves

and one another offers us each moment!

* * * * * * * * * * *

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

SKILL ELEVEN ~ Forgive and Move On When They’ve Blown It

Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows
Why Forgive?
How To Forgive Someone Else
Forgive Yourself Already!

SKILL TWELVE ~ Let go. Relationships end. You’ll learn, grow and cary on.

Coming in December

Why Forgive?

6 Replies

Why forgive someone?

It’s equally in our natures to harbor revenge as it is to nurture forgiveness. In fact, last week I explored how forgiveness and revenge are evolutionary bedfellows.

So why does a person choose one of these over another?

Why might you?

For this month’s exploration of forgiveness I am hugely indebted to, and thrilled to have discovered, the scholars of forgiveness at The Greater Good Science Center, at the University of California, Berkeley. In their own words, the center is ~

unique in its commitment to both science and practice: not only do we sponsor groundbreaking scientific research into social and emotional well-being, we help people apply this research to their personal and professional lives.

So, for the “Why?” of forgiveness, here are five good reasons, compiled by Fred Luskin, Ph.D.

Forgiveness makes us happier: Research suggests not only that happy people are more likely to forgive but that forgiving others can make people feel happy, especially when they forgive someone to whom they feel close.
Forgiveness improves our health: When we dwell on grudges, our blood pressure and heart rate spike—signs of stress which damage the body; when we forgive, our stress levels drop, and people who are more forgiving are protected from the negative health effects of stress. Studies also suggest that holding grudges might compromise our immune system, making us less resistant to illness.
Forgiveness sustains relationships: When our friends inevitably hurt or disappoint us, holding a grudge makes us less likely to sacrifice or cooperate with them, which undermines feelings of trust and commitment, driving us further apart. Studies suggest that forgiveness can stop this downward spiral and repair our relationship before it dissolves.
Forgiveness is good for marriages (most of the time): Spouses who are more forgiving and less vindictive are better at resolving conflicts effectively in their marriage. A long-term study of newlyweds found that more forgiving spouses had stronger, more satisfying relationships. However, when more forgiving spouses were frequently mistreated by their husband or wife, they became less satisfied with their marriage.
Forgiveness boosts kindness and connectedness: People who feel forgiving don’t only feel more positive toward someone who hurt them. They are also more likely to want to volunteer and donate money to charity, and they feel more connected to other people in general.

And, anticipating the coming together of families that takes place each year in the United States on the last Thursday of November every year, and how fraught these times can be as relatives long on sanguinary but short on compassion rub egos and elbows at the dinner table, I thought this wee video by Fred Luskin might provide some interesting fodder for a transformed experience of one another.

Here is the full article, and below are some highlights of this video.

I’ve been teaching forgiveness for more than a decade, and the simple definition of forgiveness that I work with now is that it’s the ability to make peace with the word “no.”

People have come to me with a whole host of problems, and the essence of all of them is: I didn’t get something I wanted. I got “no.” I wanted my partner to be faithful; they weren’t faithful. I got “no.” I wanted somebody to tell the truth; they told a lie. I got “no.” I wanted to be loved as a child; I wasn‘t loved in a way that I felt good about. I got “no.”

It’s so important to be able to understand the universal experience of this—of objecting to the way life is and trying to substitute the way you want it to be, then getting upset when your substitution doesn’t take.

The essence of forgiveness is being resilient when things don’t go the way you want—to be at peace with “no,” be at peace with what is, be at peace with the vulnerability inherent in human life. Then you have to move forward and live your life without prejudice.

It’s the absence of prejudice that informs forgiveness. You realize that nobody owes you, that you don’t have to take the hurt you suffered and pay it forward to someone else. Just because your last partner was unkind to you doesn’t mean you always have to give your new partner the third degree. With an open heart, you move forward and accept what is, without prejudice.

You don’t just accept it because life sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it—though that may be true—but you accept it in a way that leaves you willing to give the next moment a chance.

Come back next week for some more good stuff about forgiveness.

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

SKILL ELEVEN ~ Forgive and Move On When They’ve Blown It

Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows
Why Forgive?

Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows

7 Replies

Cake and forgiveness?

Death and revenge?

What will it be and how do I choose and, by the way, why are these two such intimate strangers?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As someone dedicated to researching and studying what makes for great relationships, I’ve come up with a list of 12 skills that are key. The first ten I’ve already written about and while they may be tough to explain and tougher to embody – I’ve captured more or less what I wanted to say. However, I’m really struggling with Number 11.

So, here’s a summary of the twelve skills. I maintain that you’ll enjoy great relationships to the extent you ~

1. Recognize and get curious about the fact there’s not just one “you;”
2. Get some self-mastery going so you can choose which “you” shows up; i.e, respond, don’t react;
3. Appreciate your partner is on this same journey of self discovery and self mastery – in other words, you are both “works-in-progress” so lighten up already;
4. Work on your conversational chops and speak from your heart when possible;
5. Really listen and get curious about what your partner is trying to tell you;
6. Show up with empathy;
7. Practice kindness – a lot;
8. Negotiate how to get your needs met without selling yourself or your partner short;
9. Become trusting and trustworthy;
10. Use times of friction between you to grow closer – not father apart;
11. Transform forgiveness into gratitude;
12. Know when and how to let go.

Maybe you’re already thinking “Duh – what does she mean by “transform forgiveness into gratitude… no wonder she’s stuck!” And you have a point. So – being honest here – the three essays I’m posting on forgiveness will be very much works-in-progress.

Here’s the general flow:

November 4th – Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows
November 11th – Choosing Forgiveness Today.
November 18th – The forgiveness challenge.
November 25th – Something different for Thanksgiving.

So onward –

Cake or Death

If this is your first introduction to Eddie Izzard you may be scratching your head. Finding it works better for me to seek forgiveness than permission (to coin another phrase I love) I went with his metaphor for this article.

I’m indebted to Michael McCullough, Ph.D whose work informed this blog post. You’ll find more in his book Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct. Published in 2008 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

OK – revenge!

Ever felt it? Not the noblest experience is it and it sure can consume one.

Fortunately for me I’m blessed by two things which make my experience of revenge rather lackluster.

First I’ve a dreadful memory and while I’m sure I’ve hatched all sorts of evil painful plans to take revenge on nasty people in my life, I can think of only one.

Second, this one person was neither my relative nor spouse. In fact he was very little in my life, so the impact of his unkindness didn’t touch me nearly as viscerally as the wounds I witness in my therapy office as warring divorced or divorcing partners wrestle with enormous feelings of revenge and rage at the injustices they’ve endured.

However, while this one person in my life was in the midst of being a total toad I found myself sinking into all sorts of vengeful fantasies having to do with hoping he’d choke on his food, crash his car, lose his fortune, and other ignoble nastinesses of which I’m not at all proud.

The redeeming news for me in the face of my base fantasies of “Death!” (and for anyone else who has felt that hot knife of vengeance) rests in the first of McCullough’s three truths.

Truth #1: The desire for revenge is a built-in feature of human nature

“ the desire for revenge is normal—normal in the sense that every neurologically intact human being on the planet has the biological hardware for it. “

The evidence McCullough cites to support this claim is compelling.

“When evolutionary biologists Martin Daly and Margo Wilson looked at data on 60 different societies from around the world, they tried to determine how many of those societies showed evidence of blood feuds, capital punishment, or the desire for blood revenge. They found that 57 of the 60 societies they examined—95 percent—had “some reference to blood feud or capital punishment as an institutionalized practice, or specific accounts of particular cases or, at the least, some articulate expression of the desire for blood revenge.”

And he concludes, “When a behavior is this universal, that suggests it’s not just the product of particular cultures or social factors. Instead, it’s essential to what it means to be human. “

So I’m a low life, but a very human low life.

Since Michael McCullough is Director of the Evolution and Human Behavior Laboratory in the Department of Psychology at the University of Miami, he asks himself why this particular trait has survived the evolutionary journey.

Three reasons:

Revenge as deterrent. Remember, early humans were tribal so usually in the company of one another. If Og thwacked Zog and Zog took forceful revenge, folks might remember his fierce response and for sure Zog would not look like a coward. Even today studies have shown that “when two men have an argument on the street, the mere presence of a third person doubles the likelihood that the encounter will escalate from an exchange of words to an exchange of blows.”

Revenge as punishment. If a member of the group behaved badly the worst thing would be to ostracize him or her. Just shy of that is to make bullying unprofitable so a good walloping back served to keep the member in the group but teach them – essentially – that crime does not pay.

Revenge as “free-rider” prevention. Every group runs the risk of having free-loaders who want the benefits of the group without the effort. Knowing there would be dire consequences for non-cooperation may have served this purpose.

So, what about forgiveness?

Ever felt it? How did you feel?

Much better I expect. There’s a largess, a spaciousness and an inner freedom that flows when we forgive someone.

Often people who have been hurt by the person they love most in the world are anxious to move quickly to forgiveness. They hate sitting in judgment or revenge. It feels dreadful.

Nice of them?

Yes – but also hardwired into their biology as identified by the second of McCullough’s three truths.

Truth #2: The capacity for forgiveness is a built-in feature of human nature

According to McCullough, there is evidence that forgiveness is just as universal among humans as is revenge. His analysis of the same societies that reportedly had 95% blood revenge shows evidence of forgiveness and reconciliation 93 percent of the time. And that remaining 7%? I quote:

“Evolutionary biologist David Sloan Wilson has observed that “it is actually difficult to find descriptions of forgiveness in hunter-gatherer societies, not because forgiveness is absent but because it happens so naturally that it often goes unnoticed.” I think Wilson may be correct, and not just about hunter-gatherers but about all societies. Forgiveness and reconciliation may be so common and so taken for granted by anthropologists as to be regarded, quite literally, as nothing to write home about.”

Plus – animals forgive.

Researchers studying patterns of aggression and friendliness in chimps noted that of 350 aggressive encounters, only 14% were preceded by friendly contact, whereas 51% were followed by friendly contact.

The bonobo, mountain gorilla, goats, sheep, dolphins, hyenas and some non-mammalian species all have conciliatory behaviors.

Maybe the Ronettes were right and for all of us critters, “the best part of breaking up is when you’re making up.”

“What about my cat?” You wonder.

No deal.

I quote: “Of the half-dozen or so non-primates that have been studied, only domestic cats have failed to demonstrate a conciliatory tendency.”

So, cats aside, why do we creatures forgive if there’s a danger we’ll look weak or encourage crime or free-riders?

Why offer “Cake?” when some other part of you is (or recently was) thinking “Death!”

Having sifted through the theories of several evolutionary biologists McCullough puts his money on the “valuable relationship” hypothesis.

I quote again:

“It goes like this: Animals reconcile because it repairs important relationships that have been damaged by aggression. By forgiving and repairing relationships, our ancestors were in a better position to glean the benefits of cooperation between group members—which, in turn, increased their evolutionary fitness.”

There’s more and I’d invite you to enjoy this longer article . But – this gives you the idea.

OK – it doesn’t take a professor to step back for a moment and observe something along the lines of; Well – if we’ve all got the genetic software for both revenge and forgiveness how come societies look so different? How come we have ardent fundamentalists lopping off hands and heads and people holding onto grudges and feuds for generations, while others of our human cousins seek to forgive extraordinary acts of cruelty like the Holocaust or Apartheid?

What are the social conditions that give rise to Cake thinking versus Death thinking?

Or, to bring it into the personal, how does this play out with Og and Zog’s descendants in the intimate battle ground of the modern family? Is our rage against our partner, as well as our capacity to forgive, still about discouraging hostility, bad behavior and free-riding while encouraging the conditions for peaceful cooperation?

Come back next week!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

SKILL ELEVEN ~ Forgive and Move On When They’ve Blown It

Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows

Fifth Breath of Apology ~ Forgiveness

2 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1, Breath 2, Breath 3 and Breath 4.

If you’ve read all this, skip down to the parrots below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both.

A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.
Breath 5 ~ FORGIVENESS

ACCUSED

Seek forgiveness.

After ~

you’ve heard your loved-one’s tale of woe;
you’ve listened to all the dreadful feelings this incident evoked for them;
you’ve shared a heartfelt “sorry!”
you’ve taken ownership for your role in this affair

it can be terrifically liberating to seek some sort of forgiveness ritual.

Not everyone needs this. For many, the first four strategies bring about so much shared understanding and individual light-bulb moments that the need for forgiveness seems moot. However, as a child of Catholicism, I get the catharsis of penance! So – if it seems as though closure would be useful, try it.

“Fiona – I’m really glad we talked this through. I feel we know one another a bit more. Understand things we didn’t before. I’d love to feel this was really behind us though. Do you forgive me now? Is there anything else I need to do so you can let this go and we can move on, both feeling better?

ACCUSER

Forgive when you’re ready
Check in with yourself.
Can you let this go?
Really?
Do you need some sort of final ritual?

“Yes. I’ve appreciated this too. I felt so hurt I thought it was the beginning of the end of us. But I see things much more clearly now. I feel I’ve un-muddled what was me and what was you – I’m ready to move on. So hummm, I’d say forgiveness will cost you a dinner for two at that new Thai place next week!”

This is the last of all five posts on The Art of Apologizing in Five Calming Breaths. Thanks for following this series. Let me know if you have another thorny issue you’d be interested in exploring with me.

Fourth Breath of Apology ~ Ownership

6 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1, Breath 2 and Breath 3.

If you’ve read all this, skip ahead to the crazy duck below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

Breath 4 ~ OWNERSHIP

ACCUSED

Accept responsibility for the parts you feel you can genuinely accept responsibility for. This empowers you to see how you could have done things differently.

Not everything is 100% within our control so the trick here is to take ownership of what is. Own up to the parts you can own up to. You don’t have to lie down and be a whipping boy however. If there are things beyond your control, or actually more within your accuser’s control, don’t take those on.

“Fiona, I totally see how I blew it with the introductions. Truth was I blew it even more by not remember those guys names. I could have just spoken up and said ‘Hey – I’d like you to meet my wife” and hoped they’d have offered their names! And I did get way too interested in the things Sonia had to say – that woman you spoke of. She’s from corporate so I was being a bit of a brown-noser I know. I can see how that must have looked to you.”

ACCUSER

Listen as your partner accepts responsibility.

You’ll know if this is genuine. You may find he or she is not taking responsibility for absolutely everything. This is actually good. If you choose to notice what items were left of the table, you could – under calmer conditions – explore the extent to which you could have done something to help yourself under those circumstances. Own your piece.

“Well thanks. I know I blame you for the two bores I sat between too – but I see I could have asked them about their kids and maybe sparked some sort of conversation I was interested in. Hey – I possibly could have asked to swap seats with someone after coffee too.”

This is Part 4 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Fifth Breath of Apology ~ FORGIVENESS

First Breath of Apology ~ The Story

5 Replies

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

First Breath ~ THE STORY

ACCUSER Be brave and speak up

Feel entitled. Say “Listen to me!” Let your story out. Tell your partner what is going on for you and why you are so upset. Give as many details as you can to help the accused see things from your point of view.

“I’m never ever going to an office party with you again! You abandon me the moment we get there, you schmooze with everyone and don’t introduce me to half of them. And then, at dinner, you sit next to that new woman and spend the whole night in quiet conversation leaving me across from you between two crashing bores whom I didn’t even know!”

ADVANTAGES? In any reconciliation process, the person who has experienced something painful needs to tell their story. It’s a bit like rounding up the all the loose edges of a tumour in surgery. If you leave tendrils of cancer behind, the cells will re-grow. Telling your story as fully and honestly as you possibly can will allow you to eventually let it go.

ACCUSED Close that beak & listen quietly to the accusation.

Face your accuser. Breathe deeply. Give this issue your full attention. Do not, under any circumstances, explain, justify, defend or deny. Zip it and listen. If your mind is busy doing anything other than listening, you’ll miss too much.

ADVANTAGES? This step is the key to your success. As long as someone is feeling hurt they will have no interest in hearing anything from you: no whys, excuses, justifications or pleas for forgiveness will trump their need to just spit out the pain. All the things we usually do actually make things worse. This is not about you. This is about the impact something you have done (or not done, or said) has had on someone else. Sure, you may feel they have over-reacted or might not feel so dreadful if they only understood things from your point of view. Maybe. However, given that “ultimate reality” is up for grabs in any given situation, what I’m advocating for here is “what is most helpful in this situation right now?” This step is the most helpful thing you can do.

This is Part 1 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Second Breath of Apology ~ FEELINGS

The Art of Apologizing ~ in 5 Calming Breaths

2 Replies

When someone you love does something that hurts you, it’s quite common to find you are caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

However, neither revenge nor forgiveness are the best idea on their own, since they can both block genuine reconciliation. This is the place where each of you gets to do some emotional homework .

If the hurt partner stays in revenge, it will eat away at their soul, heart and mind and destroy them from within like a worm in an apple.

If the hurt partner is too quick to jump to forgiveness, they run the risk of losing their voice, and becoming dis-empowered, like it feels when someone offers you a limp-fish handshake.

This is where the Art of the Apology comes in.

A genuine, full heartfelt apology – coupled with the self-awareness this process fosters – can actually serve to bring two people closer. While the person who has been accused of doing (or being) hurtful can do an awful lot of reparation using the Breaths I suggest below, if the two of you get fully engaged, you can use this episode to create a deep and genuine reconciliation.

I use the metaphor of the Breath (rather than the Step) for two reasons:

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. This process works to bring two hurting people closer because it softens those edges between in and out, right and wrong, accused and accuser, victim and culprit.

This is what makes apologizing an art form. With practice you can cultivate this ability to mastery. And as you do, you’ll be modeling the process for your partner and your children. And they, in turn, can model it for theirs. Lord knows, we need more reconciliation on the planet!

NOTE: Each of the Five Breaths has a role for both the Accuser and the Accused. Try on both roles from some past issue. Walk yourself through how the process might have gone had you tried it. What do you notice?

Breath 1 ~ STORY

ACCUSER Just let it out! Tell your partner the story of why you are so upset ~ Give as many details as you can to help the accused see things from your point of view.

ACCUSED Listen quietly to the accusation ~ Face your accuser. Breathe deeply. Give this issue your full attention. Do not, under any circumstances, explain, justify, defend or deny. Zip it and listen. If your mind is busy doing anything other than listening, you’ll miss too much.

Breath 2 ~ FEELINGS

ACCUSED Acknowledge the other person’s FEELINGS ~ Put yourself in your accuser’s shoes and imagine how they felt, even if they have not expressed any feelings beyond anger. Until you have done this they have no interest in anything you have to say. Trust me! It will not help them one iota for you to tell them:

But I didn’t mean to . .
You have no idea the pressures I was under!
Hey, you could have . . .
No, I did not do these things!
In fact, I did the opposite of this most of the time.

So, do not. Instead, try this ~

“Oh Fiona, you felt awful that night! You felt abandoned by me when I did not introduce you to those folks we were talking to. And then at dinner, it sounds as though you felt jealous that I had someone to talk to – and it did not help that it was a woman – and you were stuck between two folks you did not enjoy. And for sure you don’t want to get put in a situation like that again. Did I get this right, or am I missing some parts still?”

ACCUSER Continue to clarify your FEELINGS ~ Did they express accurately how you were feeling? Do you need to have them understand any aspect of that painful event more fully? Now is your chance to see if you feel genuinely and fully understood. It’s your job to help the accused understand you – there is only so much they can guess.

“Well, you’ve got most of it right. I did feel abandoned and jealous. I think what made it worse for me is that you know how vulnerable I feel amongst your super-smart financial market friends. Right in the midst of my six month parenting leave and all I can think to talk about is Sylvia sitting up and how cute she is. I ended up feeling boring, dumb and unattractive.”

ACCUSED Repeat Breath 2 ~ Keep going around by inviting the accuser to say more about feelings while you continue to acknowledge what they are saying.

Again remind yourself – you are not pleading guilty. You are simply helping someone in pain name their symptoms.

Breath 3 ~ REPENTANCE

ACCUSED Say Sorry ~ If you can hold-on to the idea that this person is simply telling you they are hurt; and if you can refrain from taking the focus back to you by explaining, justifying, denying, or accusing*, you may be able to offer a heartfelt. . .

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you felt abandoned by me and jealous and boring and all those awful feelings you just shared with me.”

ACCUSER Receive their sorrow ~ Listen with your heart. If the accused has genuinely sought to understand how dreadful you felt, you can most likely be sure that they are genuinely sorry you felt that way.

Breath 4 ~ OWNERSHIP

ACCUSED Accept responsibility for the parts you feel you can genuinely accept responsibility for. This empowers you to see how you could have done things differently ~ Not everything is 100% within our control so the trick here is to take ownership of what is Own up to the parts you can own up to. You do not have to lie down and be a whipping boy. If there are things beyond your control, or actually more within your accuser’s control, don’t take those on.

“Fiona, I totally see how I blew it with the introductions. Truth was I blew it even more by not remember those guys names. I could have just spoken up and said ‘Hey – I’d like you to meet my wife” and hoped they’d have offered their names! And I did get way too interested in the things Betty had to say – that woman you spoke of. She’s from corporate so I was being a bit of a brown-nose I know. I can see how that must have looked to you.”

ACCUSER Listen as your partner accepts responsibility ~ You’ll know if this is genuine. You may find he or she is not taking responsibility for absolutely everything. This is actually good. If you choose to notice what items were left on the table, you could – under calmer conditions – explore the extent to which you could have done something to help yourself under those circumstances. Own your own piece.

Breath 5 ~ RECONCILIATION

ACCUSED Seek forgiveness ~ After you’ve heard the story and understood the feelings, after you’ve repented and taken ownership for what went down and how things could be different next time, you may want to ask for forgiveness. I have noticed that when this process has moved successfully through these four stages, not everyone feels the need for this final step. However, it can’t hurt!

“Fiona – I’m really glad we talked about this today. I want us to be close again. I’d love it if you could forgive me. Is there anything else I need to do? Will you tell me?”

ACCUSER Offer forgiveness when you are ready ~ You may need some time; you may not. Sometimes it helps to have a little ritual – like the confessional for Catholics when the priest dolls out “Five Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys”.

“Yes. I’m glad I got this out. I felt so hurt I thought it was the beginning of the end for us. But I see things much more clearly now. So – I’d say forgiveness will cost you dinner for two at that new wine-bar next week!”

That’s it. Give it a go. I’d love to know if you have anything to add.

* So what to do with all your pent-up desire to explain, justify, deny or counter attack? I’ve noticed one of two things might help.

You may just be able to let them go. The whole point of all that was to try to make your accuser feel better and not think you were a jerk – right? Well, now they feel better and probably feel great about you too. Can be best to just dump ’em.
If you feel stuck, then one day – when the issue has cooled down a bit – you could bring these up more as a reporter of the event than protagonist. “You know, I find I still hang on to wanting to let you know why I didn’t introduce you to those chaps at the office party. Funny really. I guess I wanted you to know I didn’t intend to hurt you. Can I tell you about things from my perspective, now that it’s all behind us?”