Category Archives: Apologizing

The Anatomy of a Great Apology

You’ve done something. Your partner is upset. Now what?

Well, you can offer a good apology which will take you through the four meaningful stages of ~

REGRET
RECOGNITION
RESPONSIBILITY
REPAIR

For a complete refresher see The Anatomy of a Good Apology.

For most folks this is absolutely a good-enough approach when it comes to mending those inevitable rifts which open up between people in relationship.

Usually, there’s an understanding of someone being right and someone being wrong (even if both partners were both right and wrong, as in “You were wrongfully unkind to me, and I was wrongfully unkind back.”

And along with this way of thinking, there’s perhaps also the sense that this ought not to have happened. That the whole episode was a mistake and undesirable. As in “If you were a nicer / kinder / more thoughtful person you’d not have done this to me.”

However, this is a blog about cultivating great relationships, and folks who want great relationships do this differently.

If you want to develop a great relationship with your partner I’d invite you to cultivate a whole new approach toward these times when you upset one another. This is pay-dirt time when it comes to self growth and inner happiness – when you know how to mine for it!

In brief, times of friction and disagreement are simply growing pains. You’ve both outgrown some former way of being together – which often has to do with not giving feedback, sitting on your impulses and glossing over small differences.

These times of friction tend to involve your partner stepping on your (already embedded) inner landmine.

Usually, these landmines were laid down in childhood and they may have rested more or less dormant for decades. Maybe you’ve noticed you have a sensitivity to feeling ignored, or maybe you’ve noticed you dislike feeling “needed”, but you’ve coped. It’s not until your beloved comes along and kindly manages to “abandon” you at an office party, or “need you” too much at that same office party, that these inner landmines go off.

It’s a bit like back in second or third grade, when you’re given a column of numbers and asked to calculate the sum, and you start to add the column. It’s slow. You’ve reached a limit of sorts. The old adding the column you’ve used to date seems suddenly ponderous. And lo and behold, you break through to multiplication. A whole new learning edge!

Relationships are like this.

You’ve side-stepped her independence and ignored his neediness, until you can’t. This is great! Let’s roll up the sleeves and get to some inner healing.

Here’s how to try this.

1. CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE

Right when that landmine goes off – take a breath. Remember – the landmine is yours. Yes your partner seems to have had the power to remotely ignite it, but the deeper truth is, the landmine was installed on your watch and you hold the fuse. You just had no idea you were armed and dangerous all this time.

So, before you turn your anger, rage and upset all over your partner, take a breath.

Consider this an opportunity to explore, rather than a shame-blame fest.

2. SET AN INTENTION

OK – you’re dealing with the after-effects of an exploded inner land mine. What’s needed now is mutual curiosity, mutual understanding, mutual healing.

In short, what matters now is the commitment to grow your relationship into a place beyond that right/wrong idea. It’s too small….

3. CONSIDER THE INVITATION

Check out Yogi Bhajan’s words above in blue.

I doubt many people dwell at this place of awareness all the time. But once in a while? Try it on. What bothered you about what your partner did? Give it a language, a judgment ~

“She abandoned me!”
“He was too needy!”

Turn it around.

What if you’ve just learned something important about your relationship with yourself? Do you sometimes abandon yourself, and have Parts who judge you about that? Do you sometimes feel needy, and have Parts who judge you about that?

What seemed to push your partner’s buttons? How would it be for you to get curious about what your partner “accused” you of, not because it is necessarily true about you and you can’t wait to lob an impressive defense. But because maybe there are some insights there into how your partner feels about him or herself?

4. GET DEEPLY CURIOUS ABOUT YOURSELF

So ~

if your attitude is one of “no one is right and no one is wrong“;
and if your intention is to “deepen your relationship;”
and if you’re willing to see judgmental statements as being somewhat autobiographical;

might this allow you the inner space and safety to learn more about those vulnerable parts who get triggered and explode inside of you?

What just happened for you? Bring the event to mind and hold it lightly with curiosity, as if you were watching a movie. Let yourself replay who did and said what, to whom. Bring your awareness to yourself.

What did you feel in your body?
What did you tell yourself?
What was your first impulse?
What did you do?
What did you need right then?
If a loving wise person could have been with you right then, what could they have done that was helpful?

5. GET CURIOUS TOGETHER

Now for the pay-dirt time. Once each of you has ~

adjusted your attitude;
set an intention to deepen your relationship;
considered that judgments may be autobiographical;
focused within to understand what bombs went off and why;
it’s time to share.

It’s time to say “Wow – how fascinating! What just happened for us? ”

And talk about what you have each learned about what was happening for each of you – from the inside out. I have a sample dialogue below if you are not too sure what this might look like.

6. BE GRATEFUL

And finally, far from feeling disappointed in these episodes, be grateful!

Intimacy is just that – opportunities to “In To Me See.”

If we did not occasionally ignite landmines and create these opportunities to get curious about ourselves and one another, how would the relationship grow?

Seriously. These mash-ups of our competing world views – these inner landmines triggered by a word, a look, a subtle or blatant action by a loved one – reveal with an all too raw honesty our just-below-the-surface reactivity. And our reactivity is simply our way of keeping our vulnerability tucked safely away – inside. In the dark.

How else might we be brought so vigorously into the light of our blindness? What else would flush out these unconscious loyalties ~

to values long forgotten;
to the wisps and mossy tendrils of childhood fears;
to the ghosts of families long gone;
to burdensome beliefs we embodied as children having to do with our inadequacies, our not-enoughness, our unworthiness;

which unconsciously lurk in our deepest selves and fuel our need for protection.

This is the gift of relationship.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

What might such a great apology look and sound like?

Back to Amos and Zoe at the office party whose story originally appears here.

Let’s assume Amos and Zoe have arrived at the morning after the party and Amos has just unleashed all his pent-up emotions on Zoe. Right then maybe one of them recognizes that “Huston – we’ve got a problem!” moment and remembers having read this blog (hey – you never know…) and sees in that moment an opportunity to try something different.

ZOE to AMOS

Oh Amos – look at us! We’re both hurting ourselves and one another. You know, our relationship matters to me and I want to understand what happened last night and this morning. I want to do this differently. Would you be up for having a conversation with me or do you need some time first?

AMOS to ZOE

Well I sure know I’m hurting, but if you’re hurting too (which makes sense since I was just way out of line yelling at you) then yes. I definitely would rather do this differently. I hate losing my calm. I went from feeling all wronged and righteous to feeling like a total jerk. If there’s a better way, I’m interested.

ZOE to AMOS

How be if we agree that more important than seeing which one of us is the bigger jerk, we decide we are both right and both wrong. In other words – they cancel out and it’s more interesting to see how we each felt hurt and how we each reacted. That is, we dump the blame game?

AMOS to ZOE

Yes – that makes sense to me. The old “Who gets the Biggest Unkind Jerk” award conversation never works!

ZOE to AMOS

Thanks Amos – I really appreciate that. Yea – I hate that conversation too. You know, while you were out at your game and I was nursing my hangover here this morning, I had a lot of time to think about what was going on for me last night. Would you be up for helping me process that a bit?

AMOS to ZOE

Sounds helpful – much more fun than you listing off all my recent crimes and misdemeanors!

ZOE to AMOS

So I was super anxious about the party. I had this gut knot and I kept telling myself it was excitement you know – I usually love parties and any excuse to dance is fine by me. But I noticed I wasn’t connected to myself. I was sort of scanning the environment the whole time – like I was unsafe.Maybe I don’t feel like I really belong at that firm yet: everyone is so Type A and ambitious. So when I met that group of folks I knew in the lobby and we rode the elevator I was almost play-acting. I noticed I needed them to see me and interact with me and I hate feeling vulnerable like that so it threw me off. I think I sensed your discomfort too and it felt overwhelming to me when I was in that state so I – almost unconsciously now I think about it – knew I needed to get some space from you. To stop drowning in my own fears. Sounds odd now I say it out loud.

AMOS to ZOE

Goodness Zoe – I had no idea you ever felt that way. I thought I had exclusive rights to that needy feeling! It’s so odd because I had a whole other story going on in my head. You know you looked so gorgeous and when we met up with the group I told myself you were flirting because clearly all those Alpha men would be better company (and probably better mates) for you. And then when you introduced me to Sally that was the confirmation right there. I take care of some single female so you can go off. It never occurred to me that you might be feeling sort of the same way I was — that we were both there, both feeling a bit vulnerable.

ZOE to AMOS

Yes – I used to think of you as needy, Amos. But I think it’s just that I so hate that part of me I’m hyper critical of it in others – especially the man I love most. So, what could I have done differently I wonder? I’m thinking if I’d stopped long enough to listen to those inner fears I had, before I wound myself so tight I practically bounced off the walls – we could have talked about how we both felt and what we each needed to make that evening if not care-free, at least fun.

I’ll spare you!

I could play this conversation out for the time it took them to each dig within, bring curiosity and compassion to themselves and share it with one another.

But hopefully you get the idea.

What a different sort of conversation.

Maybe give it a go one day. See if connecting to your inner vulnerabilities and sharing them with one another deepens the love and respect you have. Lean in. Purr a little . .

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

The Anatomy of a Good Apology

9 Replies

You’ve done something. Your partner is upset. Now what?

A) You can ignore it and hope your partner will get over their hurt. Couples do this all the time, but the problem is the injured partner tends not to forget. Instead, that little pain is more likely to act like a splinter and dig its way into their heart and a grudge will begin to fester.

B) You can try a quick apology, but unless you’re careful you might actually make things worse. See The Anatomy of a Bad Apology for 15 things NOT to do when apologizing. Sadly, sometimes an insincere apology adds insult to injury and makes things even worse.

C) You can make a good apology, the four steps for which are right below. This should mend the hurt and keep grudges from forming, but this is not always guaranteed, even with a good apology.

D) You can make a great apology. Come back next week for this. A great apology is one in which you use the painful incident as an opportunity to understand yourself and your partner more deeply, undertake some inner and outer healing and diminish the likelihood of future misunderstandings between you.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

How To Make A Good Apology

Step 1 ~ REGRET

Express your regret and remorse. Every apology needs to start with the honest, tried and true “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”

Step 2 ~ RECOGNITION

Keep the focus on the person who’s experiencing the hurt. Recognize and acknowledge their pain. If they’ve told you why they’re upset reflect this back to them. “You’re feeling really angry at me right now, and you’re frustrated because this has happened before.” Or, if you’re not sure what has upset them, you could take an informed guess. “I’m guessing you’re feeling angry and disappointed because this happened last week as well?”

Step 3 ~ RESPONSIBILITY

Even though the odds are good that you have all sorts of reasons for why you did what you did, and you too may be frustrated by a familiar cycle where your actions trigger a hurt or angry response in your partner, it’s important for a good apology that you take responsibility for whatever you did or said that upset your partner. Do your best to understand exactly what you did that was upsetting. Was it this ~

“I can see why you’d be feeling angry. I invited you to the office party and immediately took off with my colleagues and didn’t even check in with you when it got late.”

Or is this more accurate?

“I can see why you’d be feeling angry. I invited you to the office party and didn’t make any effort to introduce you to my friends, even though you’d expressed an interest in meeting them.”

Step 4 ~ REPAIR

A good apology ends with some combination of making amends and promising not to speak or behave in that hurtful way again. Be mindful here. Your amends need to speak to the injury. If you abandoned someone at a party, maybe you can offer to be extra attentive next time. If you missed a chance to introduce two people, see if you can create another opportunity. As for the promise? Make it something you can actually do. Be specific.

Offering to “never abandon or ignore your requests ever again!” is highly likely to fail!

But this is more likely to be successful ~

“Next party, lets have a chat about what each of us might need. I want to be sure I check in with you. And, if there’s someone you want to meet, I want to be sure to introduce you.”

If you’ve been following this series on apologizing and wonder how it might look between Amos and Zoe, my friend Stuart offers a wonderfully thoughtful variation on this theme. His Step 3 involves “Explanation (not justification) of reason(s) that gave rise to the wrongdoing”, and you may also like to include this.

From Amos to Zoe:

I’m really sorry for getting angry this morning (recognition of the wrong).
It probably made you feel pretty small – like I was a parent or teacher or something scolding you… to say nothing of making you wary of me. You don’t deserve that from me (recognition that the wrong was hurtful to Zoe).
I think that when you introduced me as your “friend” and then went off to have fun with your friends all my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness were triggered and I let them out in anger (explanation without justification).
I know I have to deal with my feelings of not being quite good enough for you (or anyone), but, in the meantime, let’s see if we can find a way for me to vent my insecurity that doesn’t make you the object of my anger (proposal, commitment to find alternative behaviors).”

From Zoe to Amos:

You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I wasn’t very considerate last night (recognition of wrong).
I’m sorry. Introducing you as my “friend” sort of diminishes our relationship and then going off and engaging with my friends, people you don’t even know, probably left you feeling abandoned (recognition that the wrong was hurtful to Amos).
I think I was a little self-absorbed, intent on having fun and making an impression and forgetful of the fact that you may have been feeling like a fish out of water (explanation without justification).
I know I have to deal with my thoughtlessness, but, in the meantime, perhaps we can work out some signals and ways to check in with each other when we go to such events (proposal, commitment to find alternative behaviors).”

(Thanks Stuart – I love these.)

These apologies are good. Try them on. How do you feel? Probably these would make a big difference and maybe bring you closer.

If you want to deepen this idea – that conflict is actuality a spring board for getting closer to your partner – come back next week, for The Anatomy of a Great Apology.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

Apology “Fails.”
The Anatomy of a Bad Apology.
The Anatomy of a Good Apology
The Anatomy of a Great Apology

The Anatomy of a Bad Apology

10 Replies

Last week I told the story of Amos and Zoe, the office party debacle and their ensuing fight.

I ended up asking ~

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

and I offered 15 sample apologies they could have offered one another.

This week I promised to critique the apologies and offer my handy-dandy “Best Apology Guidelines” (maybe with a sexier title!). However, the critique is lengthy enough so we’ll tackle “The Anatomy of a Great Apology” next time.

*****************************************************

So, what did you make of Amos and Zoe’s predicaments?

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

A dear friend (and loyal reader of this blog who has an interest in child development and some experience in that field) submitted his response and I love it – thank you Stuart!

Here is his take:

I can think of two ways to approach the question of apology. One is to examine the offense; the other is to examine the anatomy of an apology. I think the offense first.

Was there an offense? Zoe requested Amos presence at a function that was important to her and then treated him – well, in my view, treated him dismissively. Likely, Zoe didn’t view her behavior as being dismissive but made the assumption, based on her own assumption of autonomy, that going off and pursuing her own interests was simply no big deal.

Amos behaved badly in reaction to the treatment he experienced. Probably his (over)reaction was based not only on what actually happened but on his own insecurity and sense of unworthiness.

Stuart’s points already hint at the complexity involved in whether or not a particular person feels what they did was “offensive.” Maybe they feel their partner is overly sensitive, or maybe they each have different abilities when it comes to expressing their needs. Often whether or not one feels offended is situational and worth becoming curious about. A topic for next week.

However, in a long term relationship, erring on the side of silence or bumbling your apologies when you’ve blown it, creates a rift between two people. Every time one person does something their partner feels hurt by – and fails to apologize, understand and make amends for their part – it deepens this rift. Until no bridge can span it any more and you drift – like vast inaccessible continents – too far apart to ever reunite.

How odd then, that even though we know (or at least suspect) that learning how to say sorry is a key skill for happy long-term relationships, there is still such a rich variety of appalling apologies out there? I figure it’s time to hit the pause button and review why “I’m sorry but…” (and it’s companion appalling apologies) is dead at the get-go.

So here you go. If anyone uses one of these ghastly apologies on you, you can tell them precisely why their attempt won’t cut it. Then, direct them here. Or, both come back next week to find out what it takes to use a painful incident to grow personally and interpersonally. It’s true. Mistakes really are opportunities for deepening our connections.

[If you didn’t read last week’s blog, this article will make more sense if you do. You can access it here.]

Amos’s apology is in green.
Zoe’s in red.
My rationale for why this is NOT a sincere apology follows in blue.

Apology #1

OK, I know I blew my lid Saturday morning and I’m sorry but honestly Zoe you were horrible to me at the party.
OK, so I had a fun night, made a bad choice at the end and I’m sorry but honestly Amos, you were a grump at the party and way out of line on Saturday morning.

FAIL!

It violates the “Never use ‘but” in an apology” rule.

Never use “but” in an apology. Ever. Period. Inevitably what follows is criticism or an excuse.

Apology #2

I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said on Saturday morning.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what happened at the party.

FAIL!

This violates the “Keep the focus on what you did” rule.

You are only responsible for your thoughts and your actions. How the other person reacts to you is their business and certainly does not need you taking any ownership of. “I’m sorry you felt hurt” can be experienced as belittling – like maybe feeling hurt is for sissies. Instead, own what you did.

Apology #3

Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.
Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t be conditional” rule.

“If” is a bit like “but” – an instant FAIL! When you say “If that hurt” you are telling your partner their pain is fictional, hypothetical, not something you are convinced of. Or worse, maybe your partner is over-reacting since any “normal” person wouldn’t be expressing pain round about now. No “Ifs”!

Apology #4

OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just kept my peace, not said a word, welcomed you home with open arms and not cared one iota that you’d slept in another man’s house – or was it bed – that night?
OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just focused on you and made sure you had a wonderful evening. It was selfish of me to want to dance with my co-workers and to stay at a friend’s house so I didn’t disrupt your sleep before the game, as you asked, remember?

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t go over the top” rule.

Going over the top becomes Vaudeville. Loses it’s sincerity. Not to mention the inevitable sarcasm that can slip in. Honest brevity trumps fake verbosity.

Apology #5

Zoe, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?
Amos, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?

FAIL!

This violates the “Forgiveness is a gift to be bestowed upon, not begged for” rule.

Asking to be forgiven puts all the focus on you. Long before your partner needs to forgive you, you need to understand exactly what happened, and your role in it and begin to wrap your head around how you won’t hurt them again. A premature demand of forgiveness is damaging in its own right.

Apology #6

I know you’re mad at me Zoe and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in being jealous of Jake when I know that’s in the past . And I think I’m hurting more than you are that I lost my cool and yelled at you. I’ve never wanted to be the sort of fellow who screams at his woman . . .I mean, who does that?
I know you’re mad at me Amos and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in work stories and not to dance with you. I think I’m hurting even more than you are that I stayed over at Jakes.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t drown the injured party in your own pain & sorrow” rule.

When you’ve done something your partner experiences as painful, the focus of your apology is their pain, not yours. Stay focused on seeking to understand and acknowledge their pain. Put on your grown-up pants and manage your own pain quietly, or later in a different conversation.

Apology #7

While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you friend-zoned me in the first few minutes at the party.
While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you behaved like a sullen kid at the party and then totally lost your cool on Saturday.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t play the blame game” rule.

A true low-bar excuse of an apology. Not only does it start out badly (saying “I must apologize” is not an apology) this heads farther south by laying blame and accusing your injured partner of deserving the treatment you delivered. Ouch!

Apology #8

You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning in agony, seeing you schmoozing with all those hot shots and then waking up to find you not home even when I had to focus on the game and everything. Then, sure I have a tantrum so maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!
You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning being stressed out by your judgmental attitude. You made no effort to relate to my friends and then blew up because I choose to be thoughtful. So maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!

FAIL!

This violates the “It takes two” rule.

Sure, sometimes you’re provoked. Sometimes your partner’s actions were super hurtful to you. And, we are talking apologies here. In every episode of relationship bruising each partner has some small part to play. Dump the math. Own your part. Simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this.”

Apology #9

So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if you treat me like that Zoe! What man wouldn’t feel outrage when his girlfriend goes home with someone else after the office party?
So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if we go to a party together and you’re no fun. I’ll take care of myself and try to have a good time. Who wouldn’t?

FAIL!

Two strikes here, right!

It violates the “Never use ‘but” in an apology rule, and
It violates the “Take corrective action” rule.

Here you’re saying that you’d do the same hurtful thing again. What sort of promise to behave differently is that? If you are genuinely sorry for something you’ve done, it’s important to start thinking about how to never do this thing again – not to threaten just the opposite!

Apology #10

Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Expressed my anger? Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?
Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Had some fun and stayed with a friend when it was so late. Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?

FAIL!

It violates the “Ignorance is not an excuse” rule.

Sure, we’re not mind-readers and sometimes it’s true that you might be confused by an outburst of grief from your partner. However, you can’t possibly offer a sincere apology until you work hard to understand what you did that was hurtful or you’ll violate #9 above. If you don’t discover what you’ve done wrong, how can you promise never to do it again?

Apology #11

Zoe stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk with you about this anymore.
Amos stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk about this with you anymore.

FAIL!

It violates the “Do not attempt to silence your partner” rule.

If your partner is bringing up an event they clearly still feel some pain around, then your apology has not landed. It has not worked. You have not – effectively – apologized, no matter how often the “magic words” have left your mouth. This is especially poignant after an affair, when the wounds are so deep and the healing takes so long. You might just have to say “I’m so so sorry” a zillion and one times.

Apology #12

I hate it when you bring that fight up Zoe, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?
I hate it when you bring that fight up Amos, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?

FAIL!

It violates the “Don’t use ‘I’m sorry’ to dodge the deeper conversation” rule.

The work of repairing a breach in your relationship takes time and many forms. A glib “I’m sorry” is not a substitute for some tough explorations of the nature of one person’s experience or pain.

Apology #13

OK Zoe here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are flirtatious and with a bit of a thoughtless streak. I can get over that.
OK Amos here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are sensitive and a tad jealous. I can get over that.

FAIL!

It violates the “Do not use your apology to make your partner feel worse” rule.

This is as real bait and switch. You start off so well, the wound begins to heal over, then suddenly you lay the flesh open and expose the underbelly of your partner. Another ‘Ouch!”

Apology #14

I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?
I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?

FAIL!

It violates the “Sometimes ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough” rule.

Because sometimes it’s not. Be open to this feedback. If you really do not know how to make amends, come back next week. I’ll be talking a whole lot more about that.

Apology #15

Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already!
Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already

FAIL!

It violates the “No back-peddling” rule.

Any good you may have undertaken will be erased by this change of heart. If your partner is still bringing up your crimes and misdemeanors the better way forward is to talk with your partner about what it still hurting them. Like a piece of the splinter is still under the skin there – don’t get mad, get that splinter out.

Many thanks to J. E. Brown for some of these distinctions.

So OK, not these. But what?

Come back next week.

We’ll unpack what makes both a good apology and a great apology. There is a difference!

****************

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

Apology “Fails.”
The Anatomy of a Bad Apology

Fifth Breath of Apology ~ Forgiveness

2 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1, Breath 2, Breath 3 and Breath 4.

If you’ve read all this, skip down to the parrots below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both.

A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.
Breath 5 ~ FORGIVENESS

ACCUSED

Seek forgiveness.

After ~

you’ve heard your loved-one’s tale of woe;
you’ve listened to all the dreadful feelings this incident evoked for them;
you’ve shared a heartfelt “sorry!”
you’ve taken ownership for your role in this affair

it can be terrifically liberating to seek some sort of forgiveness ritual.

Not everyone needs this. For many, the first four strategies bring about so much shared understanding and individual light-bulb moments that the need for forgiveness seems moot. However, as a child of Catholicism, I get the catharsis of penance! So – if it seems as though closure would be useful, try it.

“Fiona – I’m really glad we talked this through. I feel we know one another a bit more. Understand things we didn’t before. I’d love to feel this was really behind us though. Do you forgive me now? Is there anything else I need to do so you can let this go and we can move on, both feeling better?

ACCUSER

Forgive when you’re ready
Check in with yourself.
Can you let this go?
Really?
Do you need some sort of final ritual?

“Yes. I’ve appreciated this too. I felt so hurt I thought it was the beginning of the end of us. But I see things much more clearly now. I feel I’ve un-muddled what was me and what was you – I’m ready to move on. So hummm, I’d say forgiveness will cost you a dinner for two at that new Thai place next week!”

This is the last of all five posts on The Art of Apologizing in Five Calming Breaths. Thanks for following this series. Let me know if you have another thorny issue you’d be interested in exploring with me.

Fourth Breath of Apology ~ Ownership

6 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1, Breath 2 and Breath 3.

If you’ve read all this, skip ahead to the crazy duck below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

Breath 4 ~ OWNERSHIP

ACCUSED

Accept responsibility for the parts you feel you can genuinely accept responsibility for. This empowers you to see how you could have done things differently.

Not everything is 100% within our control so the trick here is to take ownership of what is. Own up to the parts you can own up to. You don’t have to lie down and be a whipping boy however. If there are things beyond your control, or actually more within your accuser’s control, don’t take those on.

“Fiona, I totally see how I blew it with the introductions. Truth was I blew it even more by not remember those guys names. I could have just spoken up and said ‘Hey – I’d like you to meet my wife” and hoped they’d have offered their names! And I did get way too interested in the things Sonia had to say – that woman you spoke of. She’s from corporate so I was being a bit of a brown-noser I know. I can see how that must have looked to you.”

ACCUSER

Listen as your partner accepts responsibility.

You’ll know if this is genuine. You may find he or she is not taking responsibility for absolutely everything. This is actually good. If you choose to notice what items were left of the table, you could – under calmer conditions – explore the extent to which you could have done something to help yourself under those circumstances. Own your piece.

“Well thanks. I know I blame you for the two bores I sat between too – but I see I could have asked them about their kids and maybe sparked some sort of conversation I was interested in. Hey – I possibly could have asked to swap seats with someone after coffee too.”

This is Part 4 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Fifth Breath of Apology ~ FORGIVENESS

Third Breath of Apology ~ Compassion

3 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1 and Breath 2.

If you’ve read all this, skip ahead to the photo below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

Breath 3 ~ COMPASSION

ACCUSED

Say Sorry

It’s a lost art.

But here’s THE most effective way I’ve found to re-connect to a heartfelt “Sorry!”

Ask yourself, “Am I sad that this person, whom I love, is in a whole heap of pain?”

You’ll probably answer “Yes!” Yes you are sorry they are in pain. It’s that sorry you can say out loud. It’s effectively “I’m so sorry you’re hurting!”

I’m not suggesting you rush in and apologize for everything you said or did that may have been the trigger for this pain (not yet anyway). Nope – just that you pause to empathize that this person is in the midst of some perfect-storm-of-hot-button-vulnerabilities that were ignited by something you did or didn’t do – unwittingly or otherwise.

This is compassion – right?

You are there with (com) [their] feeling (passion).

Again, this is not about you.

You do not need to show up with guilt, judgment or a repair-kit.

Just compassion.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you felt abandoned by me and jealous and boring and all those awful feelings you just shared with me.”

ACCUSER

Receive the compassionate “Sorry!”

Listen with your heart.

If the accused has genuinely put themselves in your shoes, and has sought to understand how dreadful you felt, you can most likely be sure that they are genuinely sorry you felt that way.

I can imagine you may not feel all done even after you hear “the magic word” (which isn’t always “Please” ). You are doing SO well! This is a process, not a magic bullet. Do your best to resist the urge to say something like ~

“Sorry doesn’t fix it.”
“It’s always like this with you – you’re fabulous and then you blow it big time.”
“How can I trust you won’t do this again?”

You are still smarting. You need more. You need to know the other person sees that even if he/she understands how much you’re hurting, and even if you both know you’re doing a certain amount of this to yourself (it’s the story you’re telling yourself about the trigger that’s hurting you so much) you still need for this person to get a hold on their words or deeds. Absolutely!

Hang in there.

The Fourth Breath of Apology talks about ownership – who takes responsibility (and is thus accountable for) what; and the Fifth Breath invites some ritual of forgiveness. You can do this – you’ll both benefit so much if you do.

This is Part 3 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Fourth Breath of Apology ~ OWNERSHIP

Second Breath of Apology ~ Feelings

6 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1.

If you’ve read Breath 1 – skip down to Lucy, below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

Breath 2 ~ FEELINGS

ACCUSED

Acknowledge the other person’s FEELINGS ~

Put yourself in your accuser’s shoes and imagine how they felt, even if they have not expressed any feelings beyond anger. Until you have done this they will continue to have no interest in anything you have to say.

Trust me!

It will not help them one iota for you to tell them:

But I didn’t mean to.
It wasn’t my intention to hurt you.
Let me just explain.
You have no idea the pressure I was under.
Hey, you could have done something.
I did not do this on purpose for heaven’s sake!
Can’t a person make a mistake?

In fact, these tend to make things worse. Have you noticed?

So, resist the urge – which will be strong! Instead, try this ~

“Oh Fiona, you felt awful that night! You felt abandoned by me when I did not introduce you to those folks we were talking to. And then at dinner, it sounds as though you felt jealous that I had someone to talk to – and it did not help that it was a woman – and you were stuck between two folks you did not enjoy. And for sure you don’t want to get put in a situation like that again. Did I get this right, or am I missing some parts still?”

ADVANTAGES?

Cultivating the will-power to curb your righteous-indignation and make the effort to see a situation from another person’s point of view is like weight-lifting for the soul. It’s very hard, takes vast effort, is super good for you, and (I promise) gets easier with repetition. If you can start by practicing this with people you love – your children, partner, family members and friends – one day you might find yourself being able to empathize effectively with someone at work. Or , you might even find yourself being able to talk down an angry, violent person who simply needs someone to listen to them. You never know how this sort of inner strength will come in handy.

ACCUSER

Continue to clarify your FEELINGS ~

Did the person who triggered your pain manage to express accurately enough how you are feeling? Do you need to have them understand any aspect of that painful event more fully? Now is your chance to see if you feel genuinely and fully understood. It’s your job to help the accused understand you – there is only so much they can guess.

“Well, you’ve got most of it right. I did feel abandoned and jealous. I think what made it worse for me is that you know how vulnerable I feel amongst your super-smart financial market friends. Right in the midst of my six month parenting leave and all I can think to talk about is Sylvia sitting up and how cute she is. I ended up feeling boring, dumb and unattractive.”

ADVANTAGES? This is a gift for you. When someone has – inadvertently or otherwise – triggered some hot buttons for you, being invited to name and share your feelings will help you get over your pain more quickly than any other way I know of. You can help the pair of you by staying present. What are you feeling? Need help identifying your feelings? Click here – parrott-emotions-tree-2001(3). Remember, emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself. You are in pain because of these feelings which have been triggered in you. This means your way out, is through.

ACCUSED Repeat Breath 2 ~ Keep going around by inviting your accuser to say more about their feelings while you continue to acknowledge what they are saying.

Again remind yourself – you are not pleading guilty. You are simply helping someone in pain to identify precisely how they are in pain, so they can feel better. You did not plant these feelings. These feelings were triggered by the other person – it is important they feel them so they can start to understand how they were triggered and maybe how to not have them be triggered next time.

This is Part 2 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Third Breath of Apology ~ COMPASSION

First Breath of Apology ~ The Story

5 Replies

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

First Breath ~ THE STORY

ACCUSER Be brave and speak up

Feel entitled. Say “Listen to me!” Let your story out. Tell your partner what is going on for you and why you are so upset. Give as many details as you can to help the accused see things from your point of view.

“I’m never ever going to an office party with you again! You abandon me the moment we get there, you schmooze with everyone and don’t introduce me to half of them. And then, at dinner, you sit next to that new woman and spend the whole night in quiet conversation leaving me across from you between two crashing bores whom I didn’t even know!”

ADVANTAGES? In any reconciliation process, the person who has experienced something painful needs to tell their story. It’s a bit like rounding up the all the loose edges of a tumour in surgery. If you leave tendrils of cancer behind, the cells will re-grow. Telling your story as fully and honestly as you possibly can will allow you to eventually let it go.

ACCUSED Close that beak & listen quietly to the accusation.

Face your accuser. Breathe deeply. Give this issue your full attention. Do not, under any circumstances, explain, justify, defend or deny. Zip it and listen. If your mind is busy doing anything other than listening, you’ll miss too much.

ADVANTAGES? This step is the key to your success. As long as someone is feeling hurt they will have no interest in hearing anything from you: no whys, excuses, justifications or pleas for forgiveness will trump their need to just spit out the pain. All the things we usually do actually make things worse. This is not about you. This is about the impact something you have done (or not done, or said) has had on someone else. Sure, you may feel they have over-reacted or might not feel so dreadful if they only understood things from your point of view. Maybe. However, given that “ultimate reality” is up for grabs in any given situation, what I’m advocating for here is “what is most helpful in this situation right now?” This step is the most helpful thing you can do.

This is Part 1 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Second Breath of Apology ~ FEELINGS

My Apology to You

The Art of Apologizing ~ in 5 Calming Breaths

2 Replies

When someone you love does something that hurts you, it’s quite common to find you are caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

However, neither revenge nor forgiveness are the best idea on their own, since they can both block genuine reconciliation. This is the place where each of you gets to do some emotional homework .

If the hurt partner stays in revenge, it will eat away at their soul, heart and mind and destroy them from within like a worm in an apple.

If the hurt partner is too quick to jump to forgiveness, they run the risk of losing their voice, and becoming dis-empowered, like it feels when someone offers you a limp-fish handshake.

This is where the Art of the Apology comes in.

A genuine, full heartfelt apology – coupled with the self-awareness this process fosters – can actually serve to bring two people closer. While the person who has been accused of doing (or being) hurtful can do an awful lot of reparation using the Breaths I suggest below, if the two of you get fully engaged, you can use this episode to create a deep and genuine reconciliation.

I use the metaphor of the Breath (rather than the Step) for two reasons:

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. This process works to bring two hurting people closer because it softens those edges between in and out, right and wrong, accused and accuser, victim and culprit.

This is what makes apologizing an art form. With practice you can cultivate this ability to mastery. And as you do, you’ll be modeling the process for your partner and your children. And they, in turn, can model it for theirs. Lord knows, we need more reconciliation on the planet!

NOTE: Each of the Five Breaths has a role for both the Accuser and the Accused. Try on both roles from some past issue. Walk yourself through how the process might have gone had you tried it. What do you notice?

Breath 1 ~ STORY

ACCUSER Just let it out! Tell your partner the story of why you are so upset ~ Give as many details as you can to help the accused see things from your point of view.

ACCUSED Listen quietly to the accusation ~ Face your accuser. Breathe deeply. Give this issue your full attention. Do not, under any circumstances, explain, justify, defend or deny. Zip it and listen. If your mind is busy doing anything other than listening, you’ll miss too much.

Breath 2 ~ FEELINGS

ACCUSED Acknowledge the other person’s FEELINGS ~ Put yourself in your accuser’s shoes and imagine how they felt, even if they have not expressed any feelings beyond anger. Until you have done this they have no interest in anything you have to say. Trust me! It will not help them one iota for you to tell them:

But I didn’t mean to . .
You have no idea the pressures I was under!
Hey, you could have . . .
No, I did not do these things!
In fact, I did the opposite of this most of the time.

So, do not. Instead, try this ~

ACCUSER Continue to clarify your FEELINGS ~ Did they express accurately how you were feeling? Do you need to have them understand any aspect of that painful event more fully? Now is your chance to see if you feel genuinely and fully understood. It’s your job to help the accused understand you – there is only so much they can guess.

ACCUSED Repeat Breath 2 ~ Keep going around by inviting the accuser to say more about feelings while you continue to acknowledge what they are saying.

Again remind yourself – you are not pleading guilty. You are simply helping someone in pain name their symptoms.

Breath 3 ~ REPENTANCE

ACCUSED Say Sorry ~ If you can hold-on to the idea that this person is simply telling you they are hurt; and if you can refrain from taking the focus back to you by explaining, justifying, denying, or accusing*, you may be able to offer a heartfelt. . .

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you felt abandoned by me and jealous and boring and all those awful feelings you just shared with me.”

ACCUSER Receive their sorrow ~ Listen with your heart. If the accused has genuinely sought to understand how dreadful you felt, you can most likely be sure that they are genuinely sorry you felt that way.

Breath 4 ~ OWNERSHIP

ACCUSED Accept responsibility for the parts you feel you can genuinely accept responsibility for. This empowers you to see how you could have done things differently ~ Not everything is 100% within our control so the trick here is to take ownership of what is Own up to the parts you can own up to. You do not have to lie down and be a whipping boy. If there are things beyond your control, or actually more within your accuser’s control, don’t take those on.

“Fiona, I totally see how I blew it with the introductions. Truth was I blew it even more by not remember those guys names. I could have just spoken up and said ‘Hey – I’d like you to meet my wife” and hoped they’d have offered their names! And I did get way too interested in the things Betty had to say – that woman you spoke of. She’s from corporate so I was being a bit of a brown-nose I know. I can see how that must have looked to you.”

ACCUSER Listen as your partner accepts responsibility ~ You’ll know if this is genuine. You may find he or she is not taking responsibility for absolutely everything. This is actually good. If you choose to notice what items were left on the table, you could – under calmer conditions – explore the extent to which you could have done something to help yourself under those circumstances. Own your own piece.

Breath 5 ~ RECONCILIATION

ACCUSED Seek forgiveness ~ After you’ve heard the story and understood the feelings, after you’ve repented and taken ownership for what went down and how things could be different next time, you may want to ask for forgiveness. I have noticed that when this process has moved successfully through these four stages, not everyone feels the need for this final step. However, it can’t hurt!

“Fiona – I’m really glad we talked about this today. I want us to be close again. I’d love it if you could forgive me. Is there anything else I need to do? Will you tell me?”

ACCUSER Offer forgiveness when you are ready ~ You may need some time; you may not. Sometimes it helps to have a little ritual – like the confessional for Catholics when the priest dolls out “Five Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys”.

“Yes. I’m glad I got this out. I felt so hurt I thought it was the beginning of the end for us. But I see things much more clearly now. So – I’d say forgiveness will cost you dinner for two at that new wine-bar next week!”

That’s it. Give it a go. I’d love to know if you have anything to add.

* So what to do with all your pent-up desire to explain, justify, deny or counter attack? I’ve noticed one of two things might help.

You may just be able to let them go. The whole point of all that was to try to make your accuser feel better and not think you were a jerk – right? Well, now they feel better and probably feel great about you too. Can be best to just dump ’em.
If you feel stuck, then one day – when the issue has cooled down a bit – you could bring these up more as a reporter of the event than protagonist. “You know, I find I still hang on to wanting to let you know why I didn’t introduce you to those chaps at the office party. Funny really. I guess I wanted you to know I didn’t intend to hurt you. Can I tell you about things from my perspective, now that it’s all behind us?”