Category Archives: Friendship

Dating~When to call it quits

Twelve Questions to ask yourself if you’re wondering whether you are dating the right person

Show up honestly to these twelve questions and really listen to your answers. If you are still not sure, seek a few sessions with a good relationship therapist since possibly some family-of-origin ghosts are getting in your way.

1. Do you like who you are in this relationship?

2. Think of someone who loves you very much (parent, sibling, grandparent, coach, your child…) would they think this was the best you could do relationship-wise? If not, what’s getting in the way of that?

3. Are you growing in a way you like, or stuck in a place you dislike?

4. After a fight, can you get back together and talk about what the real issues were until you each understand what precisely each of you was upset about? In other words, do your fights bring you closer or build a wedge between you? *(see NOTE below)

5. Is there a healthy balance of give and take? If any of these statements are true, read number #6

“I show my love by fixing my sweetie’s problems.”
“My sweetie is just going through a rough patch.”
“Love is all about giving.”
“I’m sure my turn to receive will come.”

6. Do you know the difference between healthy helping & enabling helping? Healthy helping is stepping in when someone really can’t manage on their own, like driving someone to the hospital when they are sick. Enabling helping is preventing someone from experiencing the consequences of their own behavior or choices, like endlessly listening to your friend kvetch and complain about how much they hate their life – so you run around endlessly trying to make the edges better – when actually, your friend needs to make some drastic changes.

7. When you think about yourself 3 years out – do you feel excited at the thought you’ll still be with this person, or poundingly depressed?

8. Do you know, in your heart of hearts, you need to move on, but can’t bear the pain this might cause the other? If so, read #9.

9. As a parent, will you let your kid’s teeth rot in their heads rather than expose them to the dentist? Will you continue to enable this person to live a lie? If they’d be devastated by you moving on, they must think you love them more than you do. Respect them enough to tell your own truth. You will both be the better for it.

10. Are you stuck because you made some dumb decisions that have you all muddled up financially – like buying something big together (house, car, boat, time payments on a costly trip?) If yes, see #11.

11. Debt together is different from life together. Grow up, get out the spread sheets and talk to a lawyer if you need to get some teeth into independent repayment plans for these once joint financial commitments. You get to enjoy the consequences of your action which means you won’t make this mistake again – right?

12. Do you keep circling around to “But I love him/her?” Love is so much more than a fuzzy feeling. It’s a verb in the most life-affirming sense. Love is a crucible for growth like no other. If – despite your fuzzy, lovey-dovey, achingly addictive feeling – you can also check these boxes…

It brings out the best in each of you;
Your friends and family see you expand in confidence;
You care enough to drill down to understand your differences;
You willingly try on new ways of being;
You allow one another to take risks and to comfort one another when you fall – you don’t wrap each other up in cotton wool and hide;
You savor the moment and feel optimistic about the future;
Your expression of love and your experience of love are fully congruent;
You can show up wholeheartedly and truthfully;
As a team you are more powerful than you were as two individuals;
Your love is emotional (and chemical) yes, but also born of intellect (you’ve thought this through) and spirit (you choose to grow within this co-created crucible) and flesh (you willingly surrender your precious body into those arms for cherishing);

. . . why then, you might be on to something very valuable.

*NOTE ~ While the content of each fight can vary, the values you each hold that might have been compromised are often the same ones. So, if you can’t figure out what the real issue is now – before you make a long-term commitment – it’s like jumping into a swimming pool with alligators in. If you know there are there – better to get them out first.

Coming: Dating~How to call it quits

Suicidal Friend?

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If you know someone who may be talking about taking their own life – read on.

This article is part 3 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, inspired by the recent loss of a dear friend – Simon “Sketch” Ellis – who took his own life in early 2013. This piece is dedicated to friends out there all over the world who might – one day – have the opportunity to help someone they know and love to make a different choice.

Given that for every murder you hear about in the news, there are 2 to 3 successful suicides, a suicidal friend might be much closer than you think.

If you’re worried about a friend, pay attention to ~

THEIR WORDS:

“Nothing brings me pleasure any more.”
“You’d all be better off without me.”
“Life’s pretty pointless.”
“I’m in so much pain.”
“I can’t face another Christmas like this.”
“It’s too late – I’ve nothing to live for.”
“Nobody understands.”

THEIR ACTIONS:

Have they given loads of stuff away lately?
Have they bought something expensive like a boat even when facing financial hardship?
Do they have wild mood swings from very low to very manic?
Are they overdoing drugs or alcohol?
Are they reading about suicide?
Are they hoarding pills or buying weapons?

THEIR HISTORY:

Have they ever attempted suicide before?
Have they just ended a close relationship?
Have they lost a loved one to suicide?
Have they had a recent “bad-news” medical diagnosis?
Have they been recently discharged from hospital?
Have they been recently discharged from prison?
Have they been through a painful, ugly divorce?
Has someone close to them just died?
Have they recently been in a war zone?
Have they been bullied?
Have they recently “come out” as LGBT and been met with hostility?

Any one of these alone isn’t enough to lead a person to suicide, but if you begin to connect the dots and have some inkling your friend is in deep emotional pain,

REMEMBER THESE 3 THINGS

Very few people are 100% committed to ending their life. This means they will have mixed feelings: part of them just wants to end the pain, but part of them is scanning for any signs of hope and help. You’ll be speaking directly to that part of them that wants to live.
Talking about suicide does not make someone suicidal.
You won’t get this wrong if you care.

WHAT TO SAY

Part 1 – Connect

Ask for some time with your friend.
Share what you’ve noticed (see the indicators or clues above).
Let them know you are concerned.
Ask them what’s going on.
Listen very carefully.

Part 2 – Understand

Work to understand all the things troubling your friend.
When you think he or she has said everything, ask “What else is troubling you”?
Stay warm, empathic and attentive.

Part 3 – Ask the 5 Questions

If the list of painful feelings and events is getting pretty long and you can tell your friend feels overwhelmed, ask each of the five questions below, pausing between each question to listen to the answers:

“Are you thinking of killing yourself?”
“How do you plan to take your life?”
“Do you have what you need?”
“Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”
“What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Part 4 – How “LETHAL” [to themselves] is your friend?

If your friend answers “Yes – I have been thinking about suicide actually” notice how the answers to the next four questions will frame what you do next in terms of how LETHAL their plan is.

You ask “How do you plan to take your life?”

Low lethality response: “Well, you know, I wish I could just take a few too many pills one night.”
High lethality response: “I plan to shoot myself.”

You ask “Do you have what you need?”

Low lethality response: “I’ve got a few tramadol, but I guess I’d have to get a prescription for a whole lot more.”
High lethality response: “Yes, I have a loaded gun in my house.”

You ask “Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”

Low lethality response: “Oh no – I’ve felt bad from time to time like this, but even though I talk about it – just as a way to feel like I could end the pain, you know – I’ve never tried anything.”
High lethality response: “Yes. Took an overdose 6 months ago – ended up getting my stomach pumped since I didn’t take enough and my wife found me. This time I’ll make sure I finish the job.”

You ask “What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Low lethality response: “I’m not sure why now – I’ve been slipping in to a lower and lower mood I guess, but come to think of it, I’d like to see my granddaughter’s Christmas play.”
High lethality response: “Well, tomorrow is the 5^th anniversary of my son’s death over in Afghanistan. I’ve never forgiven myself for pressuring him enlist. Told him he’d amount to nothing if he didn’t get some discipline. The wife left me over it. I told myself last year when she left me, that I couldn’t face that anniversary again.”

You get the picture right – the person who is thinking about maybe getting a prescription is not in the same urgency bracket at the second man – whose pain is exquisite, and whose means and timeframe are immediate.

If you are still not sure however, you can always ask

“On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is no way will you kill yourself any time soon and 10 is you don’t plan to see tomorrow, where are you?”

Part 5 – Take Action

Remember – you are talking to that part of this person who wants to believe there is hope for a future. Hope for the pain to pass. Even the broken father in the scenario above will have a small % of himself clinging to life.

If your friend’s plan is on the low lethality spectrum, let them know~

You are concerned.
You care about them and want them to find more happiness.
You know they have mixed feelings – part of them just wants to end the pain and part of them wants to believe life can be good again.
Ask them if they will commit to getting some help – seeing their local doctor, talking with family, meeting with you again, etc.

If your friend’s plan is on the high lethality spectrum, let them know~

You are very concerned.
Even though it seems as though they are hell-bent on ending their lives, let them know you know there is some small % of them that wants to live.
Tell them you are talking to that part – even if it is only 2% of them.
Tell that part you are taking them to the hospital right now.
On the way, brainstorm for the names of any other beings on the planet who might be devastated if this person killed themselves – grand-kids, spouse, children, siblings, dear friends, dog… hunt for whatever you can that will connect this person to life.
Remember – IF you’ve had this conversation it has clearly all been with the part of him or her who wants to live. If your friend wants to kill himself, he still can. Another day. Not on your watch.

Part 6 – Take Care of Yourself

Whether your friend is successfully helped and ends up living a happier life, or becomes one of the “successful” suicides, you’ll probably need to talk about this with someone yourself. By all means use the resources below to get some help.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

Avoid the following ~

“I know just what you mean.” You don’t, and it’s not about you just now.
“Don’t worry – things will all work out.” Again, you don’t know, so don’t lie.
“You do it then – just go ahead and kill yourself!” Bluffs won’t make you feel good when they are carried out.
“You’re so selfish to even consider suicide – you’ll just mess up your family.” Someone considering suicide is at the end of their rope, already strangled by guilt, and feeling un-entitled to pretty much even their next breath. Adding a guilt trip (however true this may be) will not help alleviate their mood of despair.
“But you have so much to live for!” Again, you are not talking to a resourceful, rational being here.

SUPPORT FOR FOLKS IN NEW ZEALAND

Lifeline: 0800 543 354
National Healthline 0800 611 116
Depression helpline: 0800 111 757
Youthline: 0800 376 633
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Great web site for depressed teens

SUPPORT FOR FOLKS IN THE USA

Call us on 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

(I’ll add more as I find them – especially for the USA)

Other Articles in this Mini-Series

Part 1 – “The woman who helped” in “I’ve got a loaded gun . . .”
Part 2 – Who’s at Risk?
Part 3 – Suicidal Friend? (This article.)
Part 4 – Suicide Survivor

Suicide, who’s at risk?

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If you’ve stumbled upon this post, it’s part 2 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, dedicated to a dear man, Simon “Sketch” Ellis, who spent over 20 years travelling the world, making friends as he went. Sketch ended his own life earlier this year and those of us left are wondering what drew him toward that decision. This post explores some of the facts about suicide, and draws attention to the risk factors that are most typically in play for someone who opts for death at their own hand. The final 2 posts offer suggestions for how to help a friend in need, (what to say, what not to say, how to think about your friend so you feel empowered to take action), and finally how to survive life after death, if you’ve lost a loved one to suicide.

First of all, if you are in crisis now, or if you know of someone who is, take action. It is the rare soul who is 100% committed to death (see April 2nd post). Intervention can help.

In Crisis Now?

In New Zealand call 0800 611 116 National Healthline

In United States call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

These lines are free, open all the time and available to anyone in need.

A few facts

In New Zealand in 2010 ,
of a total population of 4,367,700
522 people killed themselves
Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 11.9

In the United States in 2010
of a total population of 308,745,538.
38,000 killed themselves
Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 12.3

Read by friends at Sketch’s Memorial

He was humble, kind, generous, and considerate. His positive energy permeated into the souls of us all. He followed his dreams. He led the most colorful life filled with challenges that he embraced with open arms. He travelled the world; saw places, experienced different cultures that would make the likes of David Palin and Richard Attenborough jealous! Unlike the great explorers, we read about in our history books, he did not come to take he came to give. His ability to communicate with every walk of life, the nomads in Mongolia, the one-eyed guard in DR Congo, the Pakistani patient in the hospital in Qatar, the Cambodian rice farmer to name a few, made him welcome everywhere. He radiated trust and kindness. He was never afraid of hard work. He was happiest getting his hands dirty to help others. He was the most giving person I have ever met.

Rebecca

Drilling into the data a bit more we learn that ~

Suicide is around the 10th leading cause of death
In most countries, women continue to attempt suicide more often than men
Men however, tend to be 4 times more successful
Firearms are the most common method of suicide in the USA for men
Suffocation (including hanging) and poisoning are the next most common methods
There is 1 suicide for every 25 attempts
The poor, minorities and disenfranchised kill themselves more often

In autopsies of those who commit suicide, US data discovered:

33.3% tested positive for alcohol
23% for antidepressants
20.8% for opiates, including heroin and prescription painkillers

Not only did you travel to all those many countries, cities, towns and villages… You helped make things better along the way, fighting against poachers, helping reintroduce rehabbed rhinos back into the wild, working with children just to name a few…. You always gave so much of yourself and asked for so little in return.

Suzanne Stafford, USA

What are the risk factors for suicide?

More than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have these risk factors ~

depression and other mental disorders, or a substance-abuse disorder (9 in 10 report this)
prior suicide attempt
family history of mental disorder or substance abuse
family history of suicide
family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
firearms in the home (used in more than half of suicides)
incarceration
exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.

And maybe this explains what happened to someone as vivid and vital as Sketch –

three out of four individuals who take their own life had a physical illness when they committed suicide.

Well Nomad, you wandered this earth living life to the full and I was lucky enough that our paths crossed in Hong Kong in 96 and we traveled on in 97 to Cambodia, laughing a lot and having an adventure. It was good to catch up with you again in Cambodia just over a year ago, just didn’t expect that your travel’s would end on this earth. I expect you’re up there with your pack on your back moving from star to star ‘cause that’s what you were like. It was a pleasure to have known you…happy travels on the other side.

Richard Williams

There’s so much yet to understand as our attitudes toward death-by-choice (including euthanasia) are pushed by the data. However, it’s important to remember that suicide is NOT a normal response to stress! Whilst the number of people suffering from depression, other mental illnesses and addictions is on the rise, “new research is showing that the risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, including serotonin. Decreased levels of serotonin have been found in people with depression, impulsive disorders, and a history of suicide attempts, and in the brains of suicide victims“.

Coming:

What to do if a friend is suicidal?
Life after death (by suicide)

Appreciate

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This.

Moment.

A Happier World

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What if we could all emulate Bhutan, where they measure Gross National Happiness? Apparently the United Nations agrees and in support of this “emerging shift in priorities, the very first United Nations International Day of Happiness is being held on 20th March this year.”

You can read a fuller article by Dr. Mark Williamson in The Daily Good.org. In continued celebration of my March 20th Birthday (since it’s now March 20th all the other time zones!), I’m reprinting Mark’s Manifesto for a Happier World. Enjoy!

PS: Fun to note he advocates prioritizing relationships and happy homes.

For our political leaders:

Ensure a Stable Economy. A healthy economy is the foundation for happiness and wellbeing. We need an equitable economic system which puts long-term stability and high levels of employment ahead of “growth at all costs”.

Focus on Wellbeing. What we measure is what we get. In addition to conventional financial indicators, we need our governments to measure people’s wellbeing and consider the impact on wellbeing – for both current and future generations – in all policy decisions.

Support the Disadvantaged. Priority should be given to improving the wellbeing of those who are most in need, not just through financial support but also by empowering people and helping them to help themselves.

Prioritise Human Relationships. Relationships are central to our wellbeing. We need to prioritise healthy relationships in all policy areas, especially through support for troubled families and children in their early years.

For our institutions:

Healthcare for Mind And Body. Mental health is just as vital as physical health. We need a healthcare system that prioritises both mental and physical health and provides high quality support for all those struggling with anxiety, depression or other mental illness.

Education For Life. Education is about learning for life, not just gaining academic qualifications. We need schools that help children develop character and learn essential life skills, like emotional intelligence, mindfulness and resilience.

Responsible Business. Truly successful businesses have happy employees and a purpose beyond profit. We need workplaces where people feel valued and trusted and where sustainable and ethical behaviour is at the heart of all decision-making.

Balanced Media. The way we perceive the world affects what we do and how we treat each other. We need a media that portrays a balanced view of what’s good as well as bad in our world, not a constant diet of cynicism and negativity.

For each of us as individuals:

Family Values. Happy homes are the bedrock of a happy society and, above all, we need to cultivate warm and loving family relationships. For our children, our priority should be their emotional health and helping them to develop positive values and attitudes.

Contributing In The Community. When we connect with and help others around us, everyone benefits. We need to get involved in our local communities, be good neighbours and support those in need. Our actions can help to build trust and reduce isolation.

Making A Difference. Our working lives should be about more than just earning a living. Whatever job we do, we should aim to make a meaningful contribution – and help create a workplace culture which is trusting, friendly and responsible.

Taking Care of Ourselves. We can’t contribute to a happier society unless we take care of our own well-being too. We all need to look after our health, both physical and mental, and develop within us the life skills and attitudes needed for a happy and fulfilling life.

Together our actions make a profound difference. We can call for change from our leaders but we can also “be the change” in the way we approach our lives and the way we treat others. So if you share this vision for a happier and more caring world, please take the pledge to create more happiness and do whatever you can to support the Day of Happiness on 20 March.

Best FREE Birthday Gifts

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Since today is my birthday, I’m offering you 3 things:

The best ever birthday gift idea for your child
The best ever birthday gift idea for adults with milestone birthdays
A self-indulgent birthday reflection from me that puts this blog well over my attempt to stay under 500 words ~ with no apology!

First, in no particular order, here are 20 Gratitudes for the year just past.

I’m deeply grateful that I ~

Started a private Relationship Therapy Practice in Auckland ( a whole new hemisphere, continent, country and city);
Hiked the Tongariro Crossing with Mark
Visited Hobbiton, Rivendel, Mount Doom & The Shire
Became a vegetarian (too many cute lambs in NZ – am confining myself to plants and fish)
Celebrated 30 years of a darned good marriage to Mark by renting a “Wicked Camper” and exploring New Zealand’s South Island for 10 days
Grew even closer to Mark, Charlie and Mona
Stayed in touch as best I could with dear friends and family far away
Started to learn to sail
Celebrated some fun July/August and December/January family adventures in NZ
Tried fishing (NZ’s national sport, up there with Rugby). Didn’t catch a thing, felt sea-sick, and now I can “retire” from this sport
Made some dear new friends in New Zealand
Became a regular guest on a weekly, national Live Radio Show
Created a native bush front garden in our Beachlands home
Started some regular clinical conversations with Dan Wile
Swam many times in a turquoise ocean with my dogs at Shelly Bay Beach
Started SUPing (Stand Up Paddle Boarding)
Created a 4x1x1/2 meter raised bed filled entirely of grass clippings and horse poop which has yielded fabulous toms, spinach, courgettes and several unrecognizable brassicas (I bought a bunch of starts)
Hand fed the Lemurs at Auckland zoo
Started this blog (thanks to the Radio Show’s nudge)
Made some blogging friends (Hi Guys!) . So wonderful to make friends with no geographic limitations.

OK – now my TWO BEST GIFTS EVER ( I am not prone to hyperbole). One for children and one for adults. They are free, meaningful, build community, are easily stored, will be enjoyed into future generations, and guaranteed to leave everyone involved feeling terrific.

KIDS ~ The “Bound” Birthday Letter

When Charlie turned 14 I realized he’d grown so much and while I kept family scrapbooks, I was worried I might forget who he was on the inside. So Mark and I wrote an extended letter to Charlie. I started simply with ~

My Darling Charlie, Today you are fourteen. Somehow this seems so much older than thirteen.

And off I went. I spoke about what I had seen him struggle with, and overcome. I remembered funny quotes he’d come up with, observations he’d had about life, school, our family, his future. I noted his interests – books, movies, games. Mark spoke about things they shared – becoming a man, music, skiing and snowboarding and the values Mark holds as important for life: expressing feelings, being thoughtful, becoming a good listener.

I wanted to make the gift a bit more interesting than “just” a letter, so I printed it on card stock, and found some photos of Charlie through the year.

Around lunch time I took the pages and photos over to Kinkos. I asked to have the pages laminated in a particular order and then spiral bound.

“And you need this when?”

“By 6:00pm tonight” I pipe up – “It’s Charlie’s birthday dinner and this is our gift.”

The 30 something employee looked at his watch, looked at the backlog of work, looked at this funny collection of pages and photos and sighed.

“I dunno lady. Call before you come. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Oh thank you – it will make the whole event!” I beamed. And set off to make the lemon poppy-seed cake Charlie loves.

I came back at 6:00pm I didn’t call first.

As I walked in I saw my helper beckon to me, so I sidestepped a long line.

“Hey” he said, thrusting the brown bag over to me with no obvious invoice. I looked up – there were tears in his eyes,

‘Tell Charlie Happy birthday from me. He’s one lucky kid.”

He turned away before I could pay.

Before dinner, as we sipped sparking apple juice from champagne flutes, I told Charlie the story of his gift before Mark and I read it aloud to him. This was the first of what has become a treasured tradition for both Charlie and our daughter Mona. We all wiped tears from our eyes at the kindness of this Kinkos worker who – granted he had read the letter (wouldn’t you?) – understood the simple value of a loving letter, and added his gift into the mix.

The first Kinkos bound book is there on the upper center. His books for ages 15, 16 & 17 are there too.

Since Mona is 4 years younger, we started her Bound Letters with her 10th birthday. Here’s her current stash to the left.

In early preparation for his 18th, we asked Charlie what he wanted. Mark proposed a new guitar. Charlie said no – he couldn’t think of anything he needed or wanted beyond a “Dad’s famous meatloaf dinner” with family and a few friends. Maybe an art book.

I saw a possibility for “More letters”! I wrote to extended family and friends who’d been special to Charlie over the years. I let them know he was turning 18. I sent them a one page summary of who he was now – and a photo (some folks had not seen him since he was tiny). I asked if they could please use the addressed enclosed envelope to send something for Charlie’s 18 – a poem, some advice, a comic, a funny anecdote. Maybe a photo.

Over 30 letters, cards, notes and a few gifts turned up. It took almost the whole day to go through them all. Some made us laugh. Some cry.

I turned them into a larger album which had one page dedicated to each year of his life, with the letters stored in the back. To the immediate right is the Birth to One page, and to the right of that, Charlie s last year of high school complete with Prom photo.

Mona turns 18 this June 2nd. Her only request so far? “Mum, can I have the letters?”

ADULTS ~ The Birthday Retreat

Why wait for the wake?

For my 50^th I took the liberty of letting my friends and family know – as I sent out our Annual Christmas letter – that I’d be turning 50 on March 20^th. My plan was to spend 4 glorious days in solitude (well – with the 2 dogs) at Rocky Ridge Yurt and I’d love to bring in any letters anyone felt inspired to write in return for a long, hand written response. I said I’d love anything along the lines of “Now you are turning 50 here’s what I want you to know…” or whatever anyone felt moved to send. In all honesty, I figured I’d have 12 things to bring in (I counted on the loyal aunts, immediate family and a few close girl friends). This would have been bliss enough. I adore snow, silence, chopping wood, and the company of wild things. No letters would have been fine too actually!

In the end, I hauled 55 letters and packages into the Yurt. I skied in, pulling an unwieldy sledge – here I am staging things in our front garden.

And all unpacked at the Yurt (below) . I apportioned the letters out over the 4 days I was there – reading and responding to each, one at a time. I had 55 mini tea-parties and birthday conversations, all alone up there with people I love. Bliss! This too has become a simple album – with all the letters in plastic pages.

Too much more to write.

I could dedicate a small book to how these letters have impacted our years and lives. I’d love to think the idea might catch on.

I would adore to hear of other non-material, meaningful gifts you’ve thought of for yourself or others.

Happy (un) Birthday to you all.

FREE~Attitude Adjustment

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Dear Reader,

Do you, like me, swing from gripe to gratitude throughout the day? Today’s gripe? A costly sewer repair. Today’s gratitude, I have not lost any family members to war ~ see BBC World News.

I call this my BBC News Therapy. I just have to listen to a story about rape in India, some new Gaza bomb, brutality anywhere, anything that hurts animals or children and my gripes (even about expensive sewer replacements) seem utterly trivial.

Clients have agreed with me – there is something very helpful about getting perspective on your life this way. My friend Julia asked me once, “Gemma, if you could dump your problems into a big pot and pick out someone else’s problems instead, would you?”

Yipes – dump my expensive sewer for my friend’s recent diagnosis of a brain tumor, or the sudden death of a beautiful 21 year old daughter, or a failed pregnancy, or a Tsunami divorce or or or…no way!

So – in this spirit of gratitude and abundance I was drawn to an interesting challenge from Chris Guillebeau, whose quirky project and Blog The Art of Non-Conformity Dispatch I’ve been following for several months. Chris is inviting us to participate in a social experiment by offering something of what we have or do for free.

Well – I’m not long on stuff. But time? I have 86,400 seconds a day, remember?

So, might some of these seconds be useful to someone who has never met me, as a free gift? Someone who normally can’t afford good counseling? Someone who could use someone on thier team for a bit, to listen and help sort an issue out? Here’s what I do:

I listen deeply
I ask questions
I listen to your answer
I listen to your answer so deeply that I can perhaps discern before you can the tendrils of solutions to your problems
I work with you to co-create a plan forward
And to create some accountability
And follow-up.

So, here’s my FREE Attitude Adjustment OFFER

I am giving away two FREE two-hour counseling sessions (we’ll meet twice, each time for one hour) to two NEW people ( sorry existing clients, but you can offer this to a friend ) who contact me at gemma@gemmautting.com with FREE ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT in the subject line.

In the body of the email, I’d like you to tell me 3 things:

Who is the counseling for (you or someone you know)
How do you hope it will benefit you (or someone you know)
How will this benefit to you (or someone you know) also benefit others?

If you are new to this blog, visit my web site https://gemmautting.com/ to learn more. Then, pop me that email. I’ll even pay for your long distance phone call too – I live in Auckland New Zealand – using skype. If you too have skype – all the easier!

I’m going to be reading responses through the month of March. On April 1st I’ll write to everyone who wrote to me and let you know whether or not you’ve “won” the two free sessions.

I’m a relationship expert, so don’t limit yourself (or someone you think might benefit). Think how two hour-long sessions, focused on your ~

Spouse
Parent
Child
Friend
Lover
Boss
Co-worker

might make a world of difference.

Can’t wait to hear from you,

Warmly,

Gemma

PS: Three people have asked for this already and I’m too much of a softie to say no. But this offer does need to be officially closed as of today – March 21st 2013. Thanks to those three for inviting me to share! Excited to work with each of you.

Can I Trust Again?

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Would you let an elephant stand over you?

If you’ve never met Tara and Bella their love and trust are inspiring.

For someone whose spouse has been unfaithful, it can seem easier to imagine a huge elephant foot hovering over their ribcage than it can be to imagine offering their heart to this person again.

What IS trust?

How do we earn it in the first place, and is it possible to restore trust once it’s broken?

Trust is earned as we run 3 criteria* through our emotional and logical filters.

INTENTION – an emotional evaluation ~ does this person mean to do me good?
CAPABILITY – a logical assessment ~ is this person capable of doing what they say?
HISTORY – a logical proof ~ in the past, has this person been predictable and reliable?

We probably all know folks who seem to trust way too easily, becoming vulnerable with no logical input. Conversely, too much logic and we’ll never allow ourselves to be vulnerable . That’s the “magic” if you will, of trust. It’s that Goldilocks place where we are “advisedly vulnerable.”

So – how did Bella come to trust Tara, and visa versa? How can we begin to rebuild trust with someone who has hurt us badly?

For Tara and Bella – they sensed their mutual “Lets-be-friends” intentions; they were both capable of bringing joy through play and loyalty; and historically, day by day, they built up evidence to support these truths. Bingo – massive trust such that Bella can lie on her back and know the vast foot rubbing her tummy will be comforting, not crushing.

I have found that even when two partners both want their relationship to heal after a breach of trust, the process is confounded by ~

Lack of a clear goal (how will we know when trust is regained?)
Paralysis over the first step (is it forgiving, forgetting, penance, transparency – what?)
Aftershocks (waves of loss, betrayal and hopelessness undermine honest effort)
Foggy Progress (no clear feedback loop for either partner).

Try this.

Both partners focus on the unfaithful partner’s 3 compromised Trust Tanks ~

INTENTION
CAPABILITY
HISTORY

Considering these three tanks, the hurt partner gets to answer the question:

“When you hear your partner tell you they want to do whatever it takes to win your love and trust back, how full is each of their tanks?”

This is a more-or-less typical response.

INTENTION is at 97% ~ The hurt partner believes their unfaithful partner genuinely wants to repair the damage. This tank will notch up to 100% as the unfaithful partner keeps reassuring the hurt partner that this is exactly what they want – their intention is to keep doing everything they possibly can to win back the trust.

CAPABILITY is at 65% ~ The hurt partner is somewhat encouraged. He/she has noticed that in the effort to re-build trust, their partner has done everything asked of them: made their phones and computer fully transparent; switched departments at work; put a block on the affair partner’s number; worked extra hard to be there for the kids, etc. This tank will slowly fill as the couple discusses the twists and turns of what the hurt partner needs that the unfaithful partner is capable of delivering. E.g., “I realize I need us to have a plan for what happens if we bump into your affair partner one day together.”

HISTORY is at 2% ~ It sounds like bad news to be at only 2%. However, the good news is that this tank can fill one faithful day at a time as history is re-written. The couple can decide if one year is enough to have this tank refilled, or if it will never go above say, 90% in recognition of this event.

Now you have ~

A clear goal ~ filling each of the tanks
A step by step path ~ as the partners identify what is both needed and possible to fill the tanks
Infrastructure ~ to counter the aftershocks, now understandable in the face of low History levels
A feedback mechanism ~ by using these percentage estimates to talk about how each tank is filling.

May your journey toward “advised vulnerability” bring you to a place of safety so, like Bella and Tara, you can walk in the woods and wag your tails together.

* I heard these distinctions of trust at a Family Therapy conference ages ago. Long since lost my notes and can’t remember whom to credit. If you know – do write me. I’d love to be able to give credit and read more by who-ever-wrote about this first.

“Talk to me baby!”

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Here’s the question ~

Is it possible to have real, juicy, effective and intimacy-building conversations without sounding like you’ve morphed into some self-help sap, or are reading aloud from a psychologist’s best-practices manual?

Of course!

Listen up.

Inspired by Dan Wile – a wonderful California-based couples therapist whose work champions building intimacy one conversation at a time – I’m presenting my own take on how you can show up as the non-communications-major, bumbling, inarticulate, feisty and often forgetful self that you are and still have the real, juicy, effective and intimacy-building conversation you both crave.

Presume incompetence Unless every conversation goes smoothly, and leaves you and your partner feeling more connected and in love, you’re probably a novice communicator like the rest of us. So – since this is most likely the truth – embrace it.

Leap first Reveal your hand. It’s a great way to start. See the previous post on 7 steps for speaking with your partner more effectively. It might get things started if you let your partner know some of the things brewing for you.

Flush out the Demons Our minds are never tabula rasa in conversations. It helps if you can notice what you’re dragging around: a sugar headache, an assumption you’re fixing to confirm, a flaw you’re trying to catch-in-action, a point you’re trying to prove. If you can just fleetingly be aware of these – even if you can’t flush them out – maybe you can herd them to the corner so you can listen with fewer distractions.

Do the Hokey Pokey Put your whole self in. Listening is highly physical (and cognitive – see next point). Don’t sit there like a stuffed panda: Nod some. Get closer. Lean forward. Furrow the old brow if you’re confused. Engage with what your partner is telling you with an impressive array of body parts.

Sweat some It’s hard work listening. Engage that pre-frontal cortex (it uses about a bagel’s worth of energy a day). If you don’t turn on the brain and think about what you’re hearing, odds are good you’ll miss 25-50% of what’s coming at you. So, reassure your partner you’re “actively listening” as the good communications experts invite us to do. This will help you to…

Interrupt Sure, it can lengthen the time it will take you and your partner to hash a topic through, but you’ve already presumed incompetence on both your parts. If you want to interrupt because you’ve genuinely lost the plot and want to understand – go for it. Get their attention, jump up, lean back in your chair with a “Woa there, I think I’m getting this but you lost me when you said … can you put it another way?” But, if you want to interrupt because you want to make your point and stop understanding your partner, then don’t. In other words, interrupt to clarify not to steal the floor.

Disagree At some point your partner will wind down. Now, hold on tight to the idea that you do not need to agree with what they said – all you have to do is let them know that you know what they said. Try saying “I’m not saying I agree with you – I may or may not, I’ve not thought about it yet – but I do want to be sure that I am getting things from your point of view. So, for you it’s about . . . “. And off you go – summarizing your partners main points.

Common Enemy The goal of all this week’s postings has been to help you get to know what’s going on inside of you with sufficient clarity that you can talk about it with your partner and unite together on the same side against the common enemy of disconnect-in-the-face-of-whatever-it-was-you-were-originally-fighting-about.

Repeat See March 5 & March 7

I would dearly love to know if any of these suggestions are helpful – or not! Thanks in advance. Gemma

“I Feel Like You Should..”

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“I feel like you should…” If this is how you’ve been talking about your feelings, it’s time to learn how to be more honest and effective.

It’s a bit like “I love you, but . . . ”

You’ve lost me at the “but”.

Sometimes, talking to people we love about things that matter is too hard to even get started. This is where emotions come in handy.

I’m blogging about emotions for two reasons.

Learning to notice and name what you feel helps you figure out what you need;
Learning to talk effectively about what you feel and need is key to great relationships.

Say you and your partner are both foodies. It’s what drew you together. You thought “We both adore cooking, it’s going to be fun!” But after a few months of Honeymoon best-behaviour (when neither of you spoke up for what you really wanted) you began to resent “cuisine compromise.” Neither one of you ever truly made a dish – it was all “What do you think – add the sherry or red wine vinegar?” You longed to have the kitchen to yourself to make a disaster or delicacy all on your own. You’re savvy enough to know you’re supposed to talk feelings and “I” statements so after one helpful tidbit too many you blurt out “I feel like you’re way controlling – I can make a potato salad for heaven’s sake.”

Great start – you’ve noticed a surge of anger and spoken up for something you want. You’ve let your feeling of “angry” identify your need for “kitchen autonomy.” Odds are your partner won’t take it that well though. You may have lost ‘em at “You’re way controlling.”

Here are 7 steps for speaking with your partner more effectively.

Presume do-overs. Cut yourselves some slack for botched first ( second and third) attempts. It’s rare for couples to talk effectively to one another on the first go-around.
Figure out what you feel. Check your cheat sheet, Parrott Emotions Tree 2001and/or read “I Feel So Bad!“
Use your feelings to identify what you need. See this posting.
Break the ice with something. “Wow – who knew I had such strong feelings about potato salad?”; “I was a toad in there – sorry! But I’ve figured out why I was all snappy. Are you open to hearing it?”
Just talk through your process. Literally, lead them through what you’ve just done in steps 2 and 3. Tell them how you sleuthed out what you felt and maybe what you think you need.
Get curious. What does your partner feel and need?
Get creative When you both know what you each feel and need you can come together on the same team against the disconnection you both felt. Now you’ll feel more like collaborating together for some win-win solutions.

“Well, we want more independence, but to cook together some too. And new – so maybe a class or two? And guests – livens things up. What else do we want?”

And you’re off.

Watch for that shift from “I” and “You” statements to “We” statements.

This is key!