Sure, you can toss a coin, or play “Rock-Paper-Scissors,” or pick-a-card-from-the-deck-&-closest-to-Ace decides.
And maybe there are times in a marriage or long relationship where making a decision about something small using these playful things is fun, and makes sense.
But over the long haul, each of the zillion tiny decisions you make together, day in and day out over the years, is doing one of two things: bringing you and your partner closer together or pushing you farther apart.
You get closer together to the extent you learn something about yourself or your partner that you did not know before, and you share this, and you find the process of deciding things is respectful, informative, even exciting.
You grow farther apart to the extent you stay small, dig yourself into a rut, confirm a negative stereotype about yourself or your partner, and find yourself being bruised by a one-sided decision-making process.
Is there a better way?
How will they decide?
Brian and Belle fancy eating out together.
She’s been craving Thai. He’s more wanting a burger.
How will they decide?
Cindy’s into calming ivory tones on the neutral spectrum.
How will they decide?
Couples face small-stuff decisions like this day in and day out for decades.
I mean – I’m just getting started here, right!
- Is turning left or right the fastest route to where we’re heading?
- The chicken or the fish?
- Lights on or off?
- The jazz or the classical music over dinner?
- Walk the pup now or after doing the dishes?
Back in singles-ville you probably didn’t even notice you were making 1001 small decisions every day because no one brought you a counter point.
You knew what movie, meal, or room color you wanted and got on with it.
You knew how to get where you were going, what airplane meal to “enjoy”, what lighting and music and dog-walking preferences you had, and you got on with them.
Ah – bliss!
Here are three simple strategies (and attendant questions) for resolving these decisions in your relationship before they become deal-breakers.
Strategy 1 ~ Eyes on the prize!
Remember – we’re talking small stuff here.
In the big scheme of things, what matters most is the relationship. Keeping your eyes on the prize of a loving, happy, mutually giving and receiving relationship, ask yourself this question:
Question 1 ~
Can I freely, joyfully and lovingly accept my partner’s influence here and go with his or her choice with absolutely NO resentment? Would it give me pleasure to meet my partner’s needs in this way?
If the answer is an unconditional YES, choose that.
If the answer is more nuanced, not to worry. I get that. Here are some of the reasons these “small stuff” issues begin to look bigger. See if any of these thoughts came to your mind as you considered question #1 above:
- I always give in
- It’s his / her turn to go with my preference
- This really matters to me
- I actively dislike my partner’s preference
- I enjoy getting clear about how important our preferences are to one another, I don’t want to cave in just yet.
OK – proceed to ~
Strategy 2 ~ Get Curious
Being in a relationship is a great way to learn more about what matters to you, and why. And of course, what matters to your partner, and why. It’s also a great way to clarify your values and to notice which values are most important.
Question 2 ~
Ask yourself how strongly you really feel about the options before you and then grade your preference with an A, B or C with the following criteria.
A = “Must have”. In truth there are very few “A”s and the ones we rank as A tend to have to do with core values, Bucket-List type things and one-off opportunities.
It might be you are in a city well known for it’s fabulous Thai restaurant so your desire to eat Thai food that night, whilst you are in this city with this particular opportunity, might be an A for you.
Or maybe you’ve longed to have a soft, gentle neutral living space with high ceilings and just the right touch of light, and your new homes needs to be painted so it feels so much like “now is the time” so you decide to make your desire an A.
Know that you can’t make every desire an A – it’s not fair!
Know that you need to be able to make an exquisitely compelling case to your partner for why your choice is an A to you.
B = “Strong preference.” So, it’s not an A but you really have been excited about Mission Impossible and – if you remember correctly – you went to a chick-flick last week and need an action-movie-fix. So, it’s not a core value, or Bucket List thing, but if the decision was yours to make, it would be Mission Impossible over Train Wreck for sure.
C = “No Real Preference.” As you think about the choices in front of you and really check in with yourself, you find you are genuinely open to all of them. Or maybe you are just too tired to form an opinion.
This evaluation often takes very little time and you will get better with practice.
Once you know what is true for you, go to ~
Strategy 3 ~ Negotiate using Your A, B, Cs.
Question 3 ~ Invite a mutual sharing of which letter grade you and your partner have given to your stated preferences.
An A will trump a B or C.
A B will trump a C.
Two A’s will cause each of you to have a conversation about core values which becomes an interesting game-changer.
Maybe you will both realize that these A preferences are so important you need to find a way to allow both people to achieve their A choice together – doing things sequentially for example.
Maybe one of you comes to recognize, as you listen to your partner’s rationale for why something is an A for them, that in comparison yours is really a B+. You can back down.
Two B’s will invite a conversation too of course, wherein you each get to be clear and specific as to what you each want, and why.
As you do this, remember Strategies #1 and #2: keep your eyes on the prize of your relationship prevailing over the long haul, and remain curious about one another.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mark and I came up with this idea somewhere along the years and have been using it successfully for those 101 daily decisions that end up in the “small stuff” category.
Oh – hang on, we’ve got a BIG decision to negotiate. Think I’d rather go off and toss that coin . . .
How To Negotiate The BIG Stuff in Marriage
FIRST TIME HERE?
This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”
If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.
SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING
SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”
SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.
- Report The News – Don’t Act it Out
- Happy Families
- Self Leadership
- When Does A Relationship Need Help?
SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity
- 5 Non verbal Cues You Need To Know
- How To Change Someone Else
- 2 Magic Ratios for Great relationships
- Is Understanding Overrated?
SKILLS FOR CONNECTING
SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation
- Five Conversations
- How To Never Be Boring
- The 5 Principles For Great Conversation
- The 7 Deadliest Fights & How To Fight Fair
SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self
- 5 Ways To Be A Better Listener
- Listening To Yourself
- Who’s Listening
- Beyond Emotion Coaching – Listening For Your Child’s Needs
SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut
- Thriving Through Tough Times
- Teaching Empathy to Adults
- Teaching Empathy to Children
- Living Empathically
SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness
- Kindness Is Key
- Cultivating Kindness
- Can We Ever Be Too Kind?
- Independence, Co-dependence and Interdependence
- One Small Step Toward Self Compassion
SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality
- The #1 Reason Marriages Fail
- How To Negotiate The Small Stuff in Marriage