Tag Archives: saying sorry

The Anatomy of a Bad Apology

Last week I told the story of Amos and Zoe, the office party debacle and their ensuing fight.

I ended up asking ~

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

and I offered 15 sample apologies they could have offered one another.

This week I promised to critique the apologies and offer my handy-dandy “Best Apology Guidelines” (maybe with a sexier title!). However, the critique is lengthy enough so we’ll tackle “The Anatomy of a Great Apology” next time.

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So, what did you make of Amos and Zoe’s predicaments?

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

A dear friend (and loyal reader of this blog who has an interest in child development and some experience in that field) submitted his response and I love it – thank you Stuart!

Here is his take:

I can think of two ways to approach the question of apology. One is to examine the offense; the other is to examine the anatomy of an apology. I think the offense first.

Was there an offense? Zoe requested Amos presence at a function that was important to her and then treated him – well, in my view, treated him dismissively. Likely, Zoe didn’t view her behavior as being dismissive but made the assumption, based on her own assumption of autonomy, that going off and pursuing her own interests was simply no big deal.

Amos behaved badly in reaction to the treatment he experienced. Probably his (over)reaction was based not only on what actually happened but on his own insecurity and sense of unworthiness.

Stuart’s points already hint at the complexity involved in whether or not a particular person feels what they did was “offensive.” Maybe they feel their partner is overly sensitive, or maybe they each have different abilities when it comes to expressing their needs. Often whether or not one feels offended is situational and worth becoming curious about. A topic for next week.

However, in a long term relationship, erring on the side of silence or bumbling your apologies when you’ve blown it, creates a rift between two people. Every time one person does something their partner feels hurt by – and fails to apologize, understand and make amends for their part – it deepens this rift. Until no bridge can span it any more and you drift – like vast inaccessible continents – too far apart to ever reunite.

How odd then, that even though we know (or at least suspect) that learning how to say sorry is a key skill for happy long-term relationships, there is still such a rich variety of appalling apologies out there? I figure it’s time to hit the pause button and review why “I’m sorry but…” (and it’s companion appalling apologies) is dead at the get-go.

So here you go. If anyone uses one of these ghastly apologies on you, you can tell them precisely why their attempt won’t cut it. Then, direct them here. Or, both come back next week to find out what it takes to use a painful incident to grow personally and interpersonally. It’s true. Mistakes really are opportunities for deepening our connections.

[If you didn’t read last week’s blog, this article will make more sense if you do. You can access it here.]

Amos’s apology is in green.
Zoe’s in red.
My rationale for why this is NOT a sincere apology follows in blue.

Apology #1

OK, I know I blew my lid Saturday morning and I’m sorry but honestly Zoe you were horrible to me at the party.
OK, so I had a fun night, made a bad choice at the end and I’m sorry but honestly Amos, you were a grump at the party and way out of line on Saturday morning.

FAIL!

It violates the “Never use ‘but” in an apology” rule.

Never use “but” in an apology. Ever. Period. Inevitably what follows is criticism or an excuse.

Apology #2

I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said on Saturday morning.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what happened at the party.

FAIL!

This violates the “Keep the focus on what you did” rule.

You are only responsible for your thoughts and your actions. How the other person reacts to you is their business and certainly does not need you taking any ownership of. “I’m sorry you felt hurt” can be experienced as belittling – like maybe feeling hurt is for sissies. Instead, own what you did.

Apology #3

Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.
Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t be conditional” rule.

“If” is a bit like “but” – an instant FAIL! When you say “If that hurt” you are telling your partner their pain is fictional, hypothetical, not something you are convinced of. Or worse, maybe your partner is over-reacting since any “normal” person wouldn’t be expressing pain round about now. No “Ifs”!

Apology #4

OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just kept my peace, not said a word, welcomed you home with open arms and not cared one iota that you’d slept in another man’s house – or was it bed – that night?
OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just focused on you and made sure you had a wonderful evening. It was selfish of me to want to dance with my co-workers and to stay at a friend’s house so I didn’t disrupt your sleep before the game, as you asked, remember?

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t go over the top” rule.

Going over the top becomes Vaudeville. Loses it’s sincerity. Not to mention the inevitable sarcasm that can slip in. Honest brevity trumps fake verbosity.

Apology #5

Zoe, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?
Amos, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?

FAIL!

This violates the “Forgiveness is a gift to be bestowed upon, not begged for” rule.

Asking to be forgiven puts all the focus on you. Long before your partner needs to forgive you, you need to understand exactly what happened, and your role in it and begin to wrap your head around how you won’t hurt them again. A premature demand of forgiveness is damaging in its own right.

Apology #6

I know you’re mad at me Zoe and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in being jealous of Jake when I know that’s in the past . And I think I’m hurting more than you are that I lost my cool and yelled at you. I’ve never wanted to be the sort of fellow who screams at his woman . . .I mean, who does that?
I know you’re mad at me Amos and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in work stories and not to dance with you. I think I’m hurting even more than you are that I stayed over at Jakes.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t drown the injured party in your own pain & sorrow” rule.

When you’ve done something your partner experiences as painful, the focus of your apology is their pain, not yours. Stay focused on seeking to understand and acknowledge their pain. Put on your grown-up pants and manage your own pain quietly, or later in a different conversation.

Apology #7

While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you friend-zoned me in the first few minutes at the party.
While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you behaved like a sullen kid at the party and then totally lost your cool on Saturday.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t play the blame game” rule.

A true low-bar excuse of an apology. Not only does it start out badly (saying “I must apologize” is not an apology) this heads farther south by laying blame and accusing your injured partner of deserving the treatment you delivered. Ouch!

Apology #8

You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning in agony, seeing you schmoozing with all those hot shots and then waking up to find you not home even when I had to focus on the game and everything. Then, sure I have a tantrum so maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!
You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning being stressed out by your judgmental attitude. You made no effort to relate to my friends and then blew up because I choose to be thoughtful. So maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!

FAIL!

This violates the “It takes two” rule.

Sure, sometimes you’re provoked. Sometimes your partner’s actions were super hurtful to you. And, we are talking apologies here. In every episode of relationship bruising each partner has some small part to play. Dump the math. Own your part. Simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this.”

Apology #9

So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if you treat me like that Zoe! What man wouldn’t feel outrage when his girlfriend goes home with someone else after the office party?
So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if we go to a party together and you’re no fun. I’ll take care of myself and try to have a good time. Who wouldn’t?

FAIL!

Two strikes here, right!

It violates the “Never use ‘but” in an apology rule, and
It violates the “Take corrective action” rule.

Here you’re saying that you’d do the same hurtful thing again. What sort of promise to behave differently is that? If you are genuinely sorry for something you’ve done, it’s important to start thinking about how to never do this thing again – not to threaten just the opposite!

Apology #10

Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Expressed my anger? Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?
Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Had some fun and stayed with a friend when it was so late. Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?

FAIL!

It violates the “Ignorance is not an excuse” rule.

Sure, we’re not mind-readers and sometimes it’s true that you might be confused by an outburst of grief from your partner. However, you can’t possibly offer a sincere apology until you work hard to understand what you did that was hurtful or you’ll violate #9 above. If you don’t discover what you’ve done wrong, how can you promise never to do it again?

Apology #11

Zoe stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk with you about this anymore.
Amos stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk about this with you anymore.

FAIL!

It violates the “Do not attempt to silence your partner” rule.

If your partner is bringing up an event they clearly still feel some pain around, then your apology has not landed. It has not worked. You have not – effectively – apologized, no matter how often the “magic words” have left your mouth. This is especially poignant after an affair, when the wounds are so deep and the healing takes so long. You might just have to say “I’m so so sorry” a zillion and one times.

Apology #12

I hate it when you bring that fight up Zoe, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?
I hate it when you bring that fight up Amos, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?

FAIL!

It violates the “Don’t use ‘I’m sorry’ to dodge the deeper conversation” rule.

The work of repairing a breach in your relationship takes time and many forms. A glib “I’m sorry” is not a substitute for some tough explorations of the nature of one person’s experience or pain.

Apology #13

OK Zoe here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are flirtatious and with a bit of a thoughtless streak. I can get over that.
OK Amos here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are sensitive and a tad jealous. I can get over that.

FAIL!

It violates the “Do not use your apology to make your partner feel worse” rule.

This is as real bait and switch. You start off so well, the wound begins to heal over, then suddenly you lay the flesh open and expose the underbelly of your partner. Another ‘Ouch!”

Apology #14

I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?
I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?

FAIL!

It violates the “Sometimes ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough” rule.

Because sometimes it’s not. Be open to this feedback. If you really do not know how to make amends, come back next week. I’ll be talking a whole lot more about that.

Apology #15

Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already!
Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already

FAIL!

It violates the “No back-peddling” rule.

Any good you may have undertaken will be erased by this change of heart. If your partner is still bringing up your crimes and misdemeanors the better way forward is to talk with your partner about what it still hurting them. Like a piece of the splinter is still under the skin there – don’t get mad, get that splinter out.

Many thanks to J. E. Brown for some of these distinctions.

So OK, not these. But what?

Come back next week.

We’ll unpack what makes both a good apology and a great apology. There is a difference!

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FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

Apology “Fails.”
The Anatomy of a Bad Apology

Fifth Breath of Apology ~ Forgiveness

2 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1, Breath 2, Breath 3 and Breath 4.

If you’ve read all this, skip down to the parrots below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both.

A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.
Breath 5 ~ FORGIVENESS

ACCUSED

Seek forgiveness.

After ~

you’ve heard your loved-one’s tale of woe;
you’ve listened to all the dreadful feelings this incident evoked for them;
you’ve shared a heartfelt “sorry!”
you’ve taken ownership for your role in this affair

it can be terrifically liberating to seek some sort of forgiveness ritual.

Not everyone needs this. For many, the first four strategies bring about so much shared understanding and individual light-bulb moments that the need for forgiveness seems moot. However, as a child of Catholicism, I get the catharsis of penance! So – if it seems as though closure would be useful, try it.

“Fiona – I’m really glad we talked this through. I feel we know one another a bit more. Understand things we didn’t before. I’d love to feel this was really behind us though. Do you forgive me now? Is there anything else I need to do so you can let this go and we can move on, both feeling better?

ACCUSER

Forgive when you’re ready
Check in with yourself.
Can you let this go?
Really?
Do you need some sort of final ritual?

“Yes. I’ve appreciated this too. I felt so hurt I thought it was the beginning of the end of us. But I see things much more clearly now. I feel I’ve un-muddled what was me and what was you – I’m ready to move on. So hummm, I’d say forgiveness will cost you a dinner for two at that new Thai place next week!”

This is the last of all five posts on The Art of Apologizing in Five Calming Breaths. Thanks for following this series. Let me know if you have another thorny issue you’d be interested in exploring with me.

Third Breath of Apology ~ Compassion

3 Replies

If you’ve just stumbled upon this post, it will make more sense if you read the summary below, and then Breath 1 and Breath 2.

If you’ve read all this, skip ahead to the photo below.

Summary

When someone you love does something that hurts you emotionally, it’s quite common to find yourself caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

Neither is great.

If you practice revenge you reinforce your own pain since (think about this) emotional pain arises from our story about an event – not the event itself.

If you rush to forgive, forget and avoid having an honest conversation with yourself and whoever hurt you, you practice being a coward in the face of your true experience.

A robust reconciliation, based upon an artful apology, avoids both these problems. In my work I’ve found there are five stages or “breaths” you need to take. Why “breaths”?

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. A reconciliation between 2 people that avoids revenge or victim-hood needs both these perspectives.

Breath 3 ~ COMPASSION

ACCUSED

Say Sorry

It’s a lost art.

But here’s THE most effective way I’ve found to re-connect to a heartfelt “Sorry!”

Ask yourself, “Am I sad that this person, whom I love, is in a whole heap of pain?”

You’ll probably answer “Yes!” Yes you are sorry they are in pain. It’s that sorry you can say out loud. It’s effectively “I’m so sorry you’re hurting!”

I’m not suggesting you rush in and apologize for everything you said or did that may have been the trigger for this pain (not yet anyway). Nope – just that you pause to empathize that this person is in the midst of some perfect-storm-of-hot-button-vulnerabilities that were ignited by something you did or didn’t do – unwittingly or otherwise.

This is compassion – right?

You are there with (com) [their] feeling (passion).

Again, this is not about you.

You do not need to show up with guilt, judgment or a repair-kit.

Just compassion.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you felt abandoned by me and jealous and boring and all those awful feelings you just shared with me.”

ACCUSER

Receive the compassionate “Sorry!”

Listen with your heart.

If the accused has genuinely put themselves in your shoes, and has sought to understand how dreadful you felt, you can most likely be sure that they are genuinely sorry you felt that way.

I can imagine you may not feel all done even after you hear “the magic word” (which isn’t always “Please” ). You are doing SO well! This is a process, not a magic bullet. Do your best to resist the urge to say something like ~

“Sorry doesn’t fix it.”
“It’s always like this with you – you’re fabulous and then you blow it big time.”
“How can I trust you won’t do this again?”

You are still smarting. You need more. You need to know the other person sees that even if he/she understands how much you’re hurting, and even if you both know you’re doing a certain amount of this to yourself (it’s the story you’re telling yourself about the trigger that’s hurting you so much) you still need for this person to get a hold on their words or deeds. Absolutely!

Hang in there.

The Fourth Breath of Apology talks about ownership – who takes responsibility (and is thus accountable for) what; and the Fifth Breath invites some ritual of forgiveness. You can do this – you’ll both benefit so much if you do.

This is Part 3 of 5.

Check back tomorrow for Fourth Breath of Apology ~ OWNERSHIP

The Art of Apologizing ~ in 5 Calming Breaths

2 Replies

When someone you love does something that hurts you, it’s quite common to find you are caught between two opposing desires:

Revenge – make ‘em pay for your hurt
Forgive – and forget as quickly as possible to remove the pain.

However, neither revenge nor forgiveness are the best idea on their own, since they can both block genuine reconciliation. This is the place where each of you gets to do some emotional homework .

If the hurt partner stays in revenge, it will eat away at their soul, heart and mind and destroy them from within like a worm in an apple.

If the hurt partner is too quick to jump to forgiveness, they run the risk of losing their voice, and becoming dis-empowered, like it feels when someone offers you a limp-fish handshake.

This is where the Art of the Apology comes in.

A genuine, full heartfelt apology – coupled with the self-awareness this process fosters – can actually serve to bring two people closer. While the person who has been accused of doing (or being) hurtful can do an awful lot of reparation using the Breaths I suggest below, if the two of you get fully engaged, you can use this episode to create a deep and genuine reconciliation.

I use the metaphor of the Breath (rather than the Step) for two reasons:

When we are stressed it really helps to breathe: Keep breathing!
There are in-breaths and out-breaths. To stay alive, you need both. This process works to bring two hurting people closer because it softens those edges between in and out, right and wrong, accused and accuser, victim and culprit.

This is what makes apologizing an art form. With practice you can cultivate this ability to mastery. And as you do, you’ll be modeling the process for your partner and your children. And they, in turn, can model it for theirs. Lord knows, we need more reconciliation on the planet!

NOTE: Each of the Five Breaths has a role for both the Accuser and the Accused. Try on both roles from some past issue. Walk yourself through how the process might have gone had you tried it. What do you notice?

Breath 1 ~ STORY

ACCUSER Just let it out! Tell your partner the story of why you are so upset ~ Give as many details as you can to help the accused see things from your point of view.

“I’m never ever going to an office party with you again! You abandon me the moment we get there, you schmooze with everyone and don’t introduce me to half of them. And then, at dinner, you sit next to that new woman and spend the whole night in quiet conversation leaving me across from you between two crashing bores whom I didn’t even know!”

ACCUSED Listen quietly to the accusation ~ Face your accuser. Breathe deeply. Give this issue your full attention. Do not, under any circumstances, explain, justify, defend or deny. Zip it and listen. If your mind is busy doing anything other than listening, you’ll miss too much.

Breath 2 ~ FEELINGS

ACCUSED Acknowledge the other person’s FEELINGS ~ Put yourself in your accuser’s shoes and imagine how they felt, even if they have not expressed any feelings beyond anger. Until you have done this they have no interest in anything you have to say. Trust me! It will not help them one iota for you to tell them:

But I didn’t mean to . .
You have no idea the pressures I was under!
Hey, you could have . . .
No, I did not do these things!
In fact, I did the opposite of this most of the time.

So, do not. Instead, try this ~

“Oh Fiona, you felt awful that night! You felt abandoned by me when I did not introduce you to those folks we were talking to. And then at dinner, it sounds as though you felt jealous that I had someone to talk to – and it did not help that it was a woman – and you were stuck between two folks you did not enjoy. And for sure you don’t want to get put in a situation like that again. Did I get this right, or am I missing some parts still?”

ACCUSER Continue to clarify your FEELINGS ~ Did they express accurately how you were feeling? Do you need to have them understand any aspect of that painful event more fully? Now is your chance to see if you feel genuinely and fully understood. It’s your job to help the accused understand you – there is only so much they can guess.

“Well, you’ve got most of it right. I did feel abandoned and jealous. I think what made it worse for me is that you know how vulnerable I feel amongst your super-smart financial market friends. Right in the midst of my six month parenting leave and all I can think to talk about is Sylvia sitting up and how cute she is. I ended up feeling boring, dumb and unattractive.”

ACCUSED Repeat Breath 2 ~ Keep going around by inviting the accuser to say more about feelings while you continue to acknowledge what they are saying.

Again remind yourself – you are not pleading guilty. You are simply helping someone in pain name their symptoms.

Breath 3 ~ REPENTANCE

ACCUSED Say Sorry ~ If you can hold-on to the idea that this person is simply telling you they are hurt; and if you can refrain from taking the focus back to you by explaining, justifying, denying, or accusing*, you may be able to offer a heartfelt. . .

“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry you felt abandoned by me and jealous and boring and all those awful feelings you just shared with me.”

ACCUSER Receive their sorrow ~ Listen with your heart. If the accused has genuinely sought to understand how dreadful you felt, you can most likely be sure that they are genuinely sorry you felt that way.

Breath 4 ~ OWNERSHIP

ACCUSED Accept responsibility for the parts you feel you can genuinely accept responsibility for. This empowers you to see how you could have done things differently ~ Not everything is 100% within our control so the trick here is to take ownership of what is Own up to the parts you can own up to. You do not have to lie down and be a whipping boy. If there are things beyond your control, or actually more within your accuser’s control, don’t take those on.

“Fiona, I totally see how I blew it with the introductions. Truth was I blew it even more by not remember those guys names. I could have just spoken up and said ‘Hey – I’d like you to meet my wife” and hoped they’d have offered their names! And I did get way too interested in the things Betty had to say – that woman you spoke of. She’s from corporate so I was being a bit of a brown-nose I know. I can see how that must have looked to you.”

ACCUSER Listen as your partner accepts responsibility ~ You’ll know if this is genuine. You may find he or she is not taking responsibility for absolutely everything. This is actually good. If you choose to notice what items were left on the table, you could – under calmer conditions – explore the extent to which you could have done something to help yourself under those circumstances. Own your own piece.

“Well thanks. I know I blame you for the two bores I sat between too – but I see I could have asked them about their kids and maybe sparked some sort of conversation I was interested in. Hey – I possibly could have asked to swap seats with someone after coffee too.”

Breath 5 ~ RECONCILIATION

ACCUSED Seek forgiveness ~ After you’ve heard the story and understood the feelings, after you’ve repented and taken ownership for what went down and how things could be different next time, you may want to ask for forgiveness. I have noticed that when this process has moved successfully through these four stages, not everyone feels the need for this final step. However, it can’t hurt!

“Fiona – I’m really glad we talked about this today. I want us to be close again. I’d love it if you could forgive me. Is there anything else I need to do? Will you tell me?”

ACCUSER Offer forgiveness when you are ready ~ You may need some time; you may not. Sometimes it helps to have a little ritual – like the confessional for Catholics when the priest dolls out “Five Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys”.

“Yes. I’m glad I got this out. I felt so hurt I thought it was the beginning of the end for us. But I see things much more clearly now. So – I’d say forgiveness will cost you dinner for two at that new wine-bar next week!”

That’s it. Give it a go. I’d love to know if you have anything to add.

* So what to do with all your pent-up desire to explain, justify, deny or counter attack? I’ve noticed one of two things might help.

You may just be able to let them go. The whole point of all that was to try to make your accuser feel better and not think you were a jerk – right? Well, now they feel better and probably feel great about you too. Can be best to just dump ’em.
If you feel stuck, then one day – when the issue has cooled down a bit – you could bring these up more as a reporter of the event than protagonist. “You know, I find I still hang on to wanting to let you know why I didn’t introduce you to those chaps at the office party. Funny really. I guess I wanted you to know I didn’t intend to hurt you. Can I tell you about things from my perspective, now that it’s all behind us?”