Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows

Cake and forgiveness?

Death and revenge?

What will it be and how do I choose and, by the way, why are these two such intimate strangers?

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As someone dedicated to researching and studying what makes for great relationships, I’ve come up with a list of 12 skills that are key. The first ten I’ve already written about and while they may be tough to explain and tougher to embody – I’ve captured more or less what I wanted to say. However, I’m really struggling with Number 11.

So, here’s a summary of the twelve skills. I maintain that you’ll enjoy great relationships to the extent you ~

1. Recognize and get curious about the fact there’s not just one “you;”
2. Get some self-mastery going so you can choose which “you” shows up; i.e, respond, don’t react;
3. Appreciate your partner is on this same journey of self discovery and self mastery – in other words, you are both “works-in-progress” so lighten up already;
4. Work on your conversational chops and speak from your heart when possible;
5. Really listen and get curious about what your partner is trying to tell you;
6. Show up with empathy;
7. Practice kindness – a lot;
8. Negotiate how to get your needs met without selling yourself or your partner short;
9. Become trusting and trustworthy;
10. Use times of friction between you to grow closer – not father apart;
11. Transform forgiveness into gratitude;
12. Know when and how to let go.

Maybe you’re already thinking “Duh – what does she mean by “transform forgiveness into gratitude… no wonder she’s stuck!” And you have a point. So – being honest here – the three essays I’m posting on forgiveness will be very much works-in-progress.

Here’s the general flow:

November 4th – Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows
November 11th – Choosing Forgiveness Today.
November 18th – The forgiveness challenge.
November 25th – Something different for Thanksgiving.

So onward –

Cake or Death

If this is your first introduction to Eddie Izzard you may be scratching your head. Finding it works better for me to seek forgiveness than permission (to coin another phrase I love) I went with his metaphor for this article.

I’m indebted to Michael McCullough, Ph.D whose work informed this blog post. You’ll find more in his book Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct. Published in 2008 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

OK – revenge!

Ever felt it? Not the noblest experience is it and it sure can consume one.

Fortunately for me I’m blessed by two things which make my experience of revenge rather lackluster.

First I’ve a dreadful memory and while I’m sure I’ve hatched all sorts of evil painful plans to take revenge on nasty people in my life, I can think of only one.

Second, this one person was neither my relative nor spouse. In fact he was very little in my life, so the impact of his unkindness didn’t touch me nearly as viscerally as the wounds I witness in my therapy office as warring divorced or divorcing partners wrestle with enormous feelings of revenge and rage at the injustices they’ve endured.

However, while this one person in my life was in the midst of being a total toad I found myself sinking into all sorts of vengeful fantasies having to do with hoping he’d choke on his food, crash his car, lose his fortune, and other ignoble nastinesses of which I’m not at all proud.

The redeeming news for me in the face of my base fantasies of “Death!” (and for anyone else who has felt that hot knife of vengeance) rests in the first of McCullough’s three truths.

Truth #1: The desire for revenge is a built-in feature of human nature

“ the desire for revenge is normal—normal in the sense that every neurologically intact human being on the planet has the biological hardware for it. “

The evidence McCullough cites to support this claim is compelling.

“When evolutionary biologists Martin Daly and Margo Wilson looked at data on 60 different societies from around the world, they tried to determine how many of those societies showed evidence of blood feuds, capital punishment, or the desire for blood revenge. They found that 57 of the 60 societies they examined—95 percent—had “some reference to blood feud or capital punishment as an institutionalized practice, or specific accounts of particular cases or, at the least, some articulate expression of the desire for blood revenge.”

And he concludes, “When a behavior is this universal, that suggests it’s not just the product of particular cultures or social factors. Instead, it’s essential to what it means to be human. “

So I’m a low life, but a very human low life.

Since Michael McCullough is Director of the Evolution and Human Behavior Laboratory in the Department of Psychology at the University of Miami, he asks himself why this particular trait has survived the evolutionary journey.

Three reasons:

Revenge as deterrent. Remember, early humans were tribal so usually in the company of one another. If Og thwacked Zog and Zog took forceful revenge, folks might remember his fierce response and for sure Zog would not look like a coward. Even today studies have shown that “when two men have an argument on the street, the mere presence of a third person doubles the likelihood that the encounter will escalate from an exchange of words to an exchange of blows.”

Revenge as punishment. If a member of the group behaved badly the worst thing would be to ostracize him or her. Just shy of that is to make bullying unprofitable so a good walloping back served to keep the member in the group but teach them – essentially – that crime does not pay.

Revenge as “free-rider” prevention. Every group runs the risk of having free-loaders who want the benefits of the group without the effort. Knowing there would be dire consequences for non-cooperation may have served this purpose.

So, what about forgiveness?

Ever felt it? How did you feel?

Much better I expect. There’s a largess, a spaciousness and an inner freedom that flows when we forgive someone.

Often people who have been hurt by the person they love most in the world are anxious to move quickly to forgiveness. They hate sitting in judgment or revenge. It feels dreadful.

Nice of them?

Yes – but also hardwired into their biology as identified by the second of McCullough’s three truths.

Truth #2: The capacity for forgiveness is a built-in feature of human nature

According to McCullough, there is evidence that forgiveness is just as universal among humans as is revenge. His analysis of the same societies that reportedly had 95% blood revenge shows evidence of forgiveness and reconciliation 93 percent of the time. And that remaining 7%? I quote:

“Evolutionary biologist David Sloan Wilson has observed that “it is actually difficult to find descriptions of forgiveness in hunter-gatherer societies, not because forgiveness is absent but because it happens so naturally that it often goes unnoticed.” I think Wilson may be correct, and not just about hunter-gatherers but about all societies. Forgiveness and reconciliation may be so common and so taken for granted by anthropologists as to be regarded, quite literally, as nothing to write home about.”

Plus – animals forgive.

Researchers studying patterns of aggression and friendliness in chimps noted that of 350 aggressive encounters, only 14% were preceded by friendly contact, whereas 51% were followed by friendly contact.

The bonobo, mountain gorilla, goats, sheep, dolphins, hyenas and some non-mammalian species all have conciliatory behaviors.

Maybe the Ronettes were right and for all of us critters, “the best part of breaking up is when you’re making up.”

“What about my cat?” You wonder.

No deal.

I quote: “Of the half-dozen or so non-primates that have been studied, only domestic cats have failed to demonstrate a conciliatory tendency.”

So, cats aside, why do we creatures forgive if there’s a danger we’ll look weak or encourage crime or free-riders?

Why offer “Cake?” when some other part of you is (or recently was) thinking “Death!”

Having sifted through the theories of several evolutionary biologists McCullough puts his money on the “valuable relationship” hypothesis.

I quote again:

“It goes like this: Animals reconcile because it repairs important relationships that have been damaged by aggression. By forgiving and repairing relationships, our ancestors were in a better position to glean the benefits of cooperation between group members—which, in turn, increased their evolutionary fitness.”

There’s more and I’d invite you to enjoy this longer article . But – this gives you the idea.

OK – it doesn’t take a professor to step back for a moment and observe something along the lines of; Well – if we’ve all got the genetic software for both revenge and forgiveness how come societies look so different? How come we have ardent fundamentalists lopping off hands and heads and people holding onto grudges and feuds for generations, while others of our human cousins seek to forgive extraordinary acts of cruelty like the Holocaust or Apartheid?

What are the social conditions that give rise to Cake thinking versus Death thinking?

Or, to bring it into the personal, how does this play out with Og and Zog’s descendants in the intimate battle ground of the modern family? Is our rage against our partner, as well as our capacity to forgive, still about discouraging hostility, bad behavior and free-riding while encouraging the conditions for peaceful cooperation?

Come back next week!

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FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

SKILL ELEVEN ~ Forgive and Move On When They’ve Blown It

Cake or Death? Forgiveness & Revenge as Evolutionary Bedfellows

The Anatomy of a Great Apology

9 Replies

You’ve done something. Your partner is upset. Now what?

Well, you can offer a good apology which will take you through the four meaningful stages of ~

REGRET
RECOGNITION
RESPONSIBILITY
REPAIR

For a complete refresher see The Anatomy of a Good Apology.

For most folks this is absolutely a good-enough approach when it comes to mending those inevitable rifts which open up between people in relationship.

Usually, there’s an understanding of someone being right and someone being wrong (even if both partners were both right and wrong, as in “You were wrongfully unkind to me, and I was wrongfully unkind back.”

And along with this way of thinking, there’s perhaps also the sense that this ought not to have happened. That the whole episode was a mistake and undesirable. As in “If you were a nicer / kinder / more thoughtful person you’d not have done this to me.”

However, this is a blog about cultivating great relationships, and folks who want great relationships do this differently.

If you want to develop a great relationship with your partner I’d invite you to cultivate a whole new approach toward these times when you upset one another. This is pay-dirt time when it comes to self growth and inner happiness – when you know how to mine for it!

In brief, times of friction and disagreement are simply growing pains. You’ve both outgrown some former way of being together – which often has to do with not giving feedback, sitting on your impulses and glossing over small differences.

These times of friction tend to involve your partner stepping on your (already embedded) inner landmine.

Usually, these landmines were laid down in childhood and they may have rested more or less dormant for decades. Maybe you’ve noticed you have a sensitivity to feeling ignored, or maybe you’ve noticed you dislike feeling “needed”, but you’ve coped. It’s not until your beloved comes along and kindly manages to “abandon” you at an office party, or “need you” too much at that same office party, that these inner landmines go off.

It’s a bit like back in second or third grade, when you’re given a column of numbers and asked to calculate the sum, and you start to add the column. It’s slow. You’ve reached a limit of sorts. The old adding the column you’ve used to date seems suddenly ponderous. And lo and behold, you break through to multiplication. A whole new learning edge!

Relationships are like this.

You’ve side-stepped her independence and ignored his neediness, until you can’t. This is great! Let’s roll up the sleeves and get to some inner healing.

Here’s how to try this.

1. CHECK YOUR ATTITUDE

Right when that landmine goes off – take a breath. Remember – the landmine is yours. Yes your partner seems to have had the power to remotely ignite it, but the deeper truth is, the landmine was installed on your watch and you hold the fuse. You just had no idea you were armed and dangerous all this time.

So, before you turn your anger, rage and upset all over your partner, take a breath.

Consider this an opportunity to explore, rather than a shame-blame fest.

2. SET AN INTENTION

OK – you’re dealing with the after-effects of an exploded inner land mine. What’s needed now is mutual curiosity, mutual understanding, mutual healing.

In short, what matters now is the commitment to grow your relationship into a place beyond that right/wrong idea. It’s too small….

3. CONSIDER THE INVITATION

Check out Yogi Bhajan’s words above in blue.

I doubt many people dwell at this place of awareness all the time. But once in a while? Try it on. What bothered you about what your partner did? Give it a language, a judgment ~

“She abandoned me!”
“He was too needy!”

Turn it around.

What if you’ve just learned something important about your relationship with yourself? Do you sometimes abandon yourself, and have Parts who judge you about that? Do you sometimes feel needy, and have Parts who judge you about that?

What seemed to push your partner’s buttons? How would it be for you to get curious about what your partner “accused” you of, not because it is necessarily true about you and you can’t wait to lob an impressive defense. But because maybe there are some insights there into how your partner feels about him or herself?

4. GET DEEPLY CURIOUS ABOUT YOURSELF

So ~

if your attitude is one of “no one is right and no one is wrong“;
and if your intention is to “deepen your relationship;”
and if you’re willing to see judgmental statements as being somewhat autobiographical;

might this allow you the inner space and safety to learn more about those vulnerable parts who get triggered and explode inside of you?

What just happened for you? Bring the event to mind and hold it lightly with curiosity, as if you were watching a movie. Let yourself replay who did and said what, to whom. Bring your awareness to yourself.

What did you feel in your body?
What did you tell yourself?
What was your first impulse?
What did you do?
What did you need right then?
If a loving wise person could have been with you right then, what could they have done that was helpful?

5. GET CURIOUS TOGETHER

Now for the pay-dirt time. Once each of you has ~

adjusted your attitude;
set an intention to deepen your relationship;
considered that judgments may be autobiographical;
focused within to understand what bombs went off and why;
it’s time to share.

It’s time to say “Wow – how fascinating! What just happened for us? ”

And talk about what you have each learned about what was happening for each of you – from the inside out. I have a sample dialogue below if you are not too sure what this might look like.

6. BE GRATEFUL

And finally, far from feeling disappointed in these episodes, be grateful!

Intimacy is just that – opportunities to “In To Me See.”

If we did not occasionally ignite landmines and create these opportunities to get curious about ourselves and one another, how would the relationship grow?

Seriously. These mash-ups of our competing world views – these inner landmines triggered by a word, a look, a subtle or blatant action by a loved one – reveal with an all too raw honesty our just-below-the-surface reactivity. And our reactivity is simply our way of keeping our vulnerability tucked safely away – inside. In the dark.

How else might we be brought so vigorously into the light of our blindness? What else would flush out these unconscious loyalties ~

to values long forgotten;
to the wisps and mossy tendrils of childhood fears;
to the ghosts of families long gone;
to burdensome beliefs we embodied as children having to do with our inadequacies, our not-enoughness, our unworthiness;

which unconsciously lurk in our deepest selves and fuel our need for protection.

This is the gift of relationship.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

What might such a great apology look and sound like?

Back to Amos and Zoe at the office party whose story originally appears here.

Let’s assume Amos and Zoe have arrived at the morning after the party and Amos has just unleashed all his pent-up emotions on Zoe. Right then maybe one of them recognizes that “Huston – we’ve got a problem!” moment and remembers having read this blog (hey – you never know…) and sees in that moment an opportunity to try something different.

ZOE to AMOS

Oh Amos – look at us! We’re both hurting ourselves and one another. You know, our relationship matters to me and I want to understand what happened last night and this morning. I want to do this differently. Would you be up for having a conversation with me or do you need some time first?

AMOS to ZOE

Well I sure know I’m hurting, but if you’re hurting too (which makes sense since I was just way out of line yelling at you) then yes. I definitely would rather do this differently. I hate losing my calm. I went from feeling all wronged and righteous to feeling like a total jerk. If there’s a better way, I’m interested.

ZOE to AMOS

How be if we agree that more important than seeing which one of us is the bigger jerk, we decide we are both right and both wrong. In other words – they cancel out and it’s more interesting to see how we each felt hurt and how we each reacted. That is, we dump the blame game?

AMOS to ZOE

Yes – that makes sense to me. The old “Who gets the Biggest Unkind Jerk” award conversation never works!

ZOE to AMOS

Thanks Amos – I really appreciate that. Yea – I hate that conversation too. You know, while you were out at your game and I was nursing my hangover here this morning, I had a lot of time to think about what was going on for me last night. Would you be up for helping me process that a bit?

AMOS to ZOE

Sounds helpful – much more fun than you listing off all my recent crimes and misdemeanors!

ZOE to AMOS

So I was super anxious about the party. I had this gut knot and I kept telling myself it was excitement you know – I usually love parties and any excuse to dance is fine by me. But I noticed I wasn’t connected to myself. I was sort of scanning the environment the whole time – like I was unsafe.Maybe I don’t feel like I really belong at that firm yet: everyone is so Type A and ambitious. So when I met that group of folks I knew in the lobby and we rode the elevator I was almost play-acting. I noticed I needed them to see me and interact with me and I hate feeling vulnerable like that so it threw me off. I think I sensed your discomfort too and it felt overwhelming to me when I was in that state so I – almost unconsciously now I think about it – knew I needed to get some space from you. To stop drowning in my own fears. Sounds odd now I say it out loud.

AMOS to ZOE

Goodness Zoe – I had no idea you ever felt that way. I thought I had exclusive rights to that needy feeling! It’s so odd because I had a whole other story going on in my head. You know you looked so gorgeous and when we met up with the group I told myself you were flirting because clearly all those Alpha men would be better company (and probably better mates) for you. And then when you introduced me to Sally that was the confirmation right there. I take care of some single female so you can go off. It never occurred to me that you might be feeling sort of the same way I was — that we were both there, both feeling a bit vulnerable.

ZOE to AMOS

Yes – I used to think of you as needy, Amos. But I think it’s just that I so hate that part of me I’m hyper critical of it in others – especially the man I love most. So, what could I have done differently I wonder? I’m thinking if I’d stopped long enough to listen to those inner fears I had, before I wound myself so tight I practically bounced off the walls – we could have talked about how we both felt and what we each needed to make that evening if not care-free, at least fun.

I’ll spare you!

I could play this conversation out for the time it took them to each dig within, bring curiosity and compassion to themselves and share it with one another.

But hopefully you get the idea.

What a different sort of conversation.

Maybe give it a go one day. See if connecting to your inner vulnerabilities and sharing them with one another deepens the love and respect you have. Lean in. Purr a little . .

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

The Anatomy of a Good Apology

9 Replies

You’ve done something. Your partner is upset. Now what?

A) You can ignore it and hope your partner will get over their hurt. Couples do this all the time, but the problem is the injured partner tends not to forget. Instead, that little pain is more likely to act like a splinter and dig its way into their heart and a grudge will begin to fester.

B) You can try a quick apology, but unless you’re careful you might actually make things worse. See The Anatomy of a Bad Apology for 15 things NOT to do when apologizing. Sadly, sometimes an insincere apology adds insult to injury and makes things even worse.

C) You can make a good apology, the four steps for which are right below. This should mend the hurt and keep grudges from forming, but this is not always guaranteed, even with a good apology.

D) You can make a great apology. Come back next week for this. A great apology is one in which you use the painful incident as an opportunity to understand yourself and your partner more deeply, undertake some inner and outer healing and diminish the likelihood of future misunderstandings between you.

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How To Make A Good Apology

Step 1 ~ REGRET

Express your regret and remorse. Every apology needs to start with the honest, tried and true “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”

Step 2 ~ RECOGNITION

Keep the focus on the person who’s experiencing the hurt. Recognize and acknowledge their pain. If they’ve told you why they’re upset reflect this back to them. “You’re feeling really angry at me right now, and you’re frustrated because this has happened before.” Or, if you’re not sure what has upset them, you could take an informed guess. “I’m guessing you’re feeling angry and disappointed because this happened last week as well?”

Step 3 ~ RESPONSIBILITY

Even though the odds are good that you have all sorts of reasons for why you did what you did, and you too may be frustrated by a familiar cycle where your actions trigger a hurt or angry response in your partner, it’s important for a good apology that you take responsibility for whatever you did or said that upset your partner. Do your best to understand exactly what you did that was upsetting. Was it this ~

“I can see why you’d be feeling angry. I invited you to the office party and immediately took off with my colleagues and didn’t even check in with you when it got late.”

Or is this more accurate?

“I can see why you’d be feeling angry. I invited you to the office party and didn’t make any effort to introduce you to my friends, even though you’d expressed an interest in meeting them.”

Step 4 ~ REPAIR

A good apology ends with some combination of making amends and promising not to speak or behave in that hurtful way again. Be mindful here. Your amends need to speak to the injury. If you abandoned someone at a party, maybe you can offer to be extra attentive next time. If you missed a chance to introduce two people, see if you can create another opportunity. As for the promise? Make it something you can actually do. Be specific.

Offering to “never abandon or ignore your requests ever again!” is highly likely to fail!

But this is more likely to be successful ~

“Next party, lets have a chat about what each of us might need. I want to be sure I check in with you. And, if there’s someone you want to meet, I want to be sure to introduce you.”

If you’ve been following this series on apologizing and wonder how it might look between Amos and Zoe, my friend Stuart offers a wonderfully thoughtful variation on this theme. His Step 3 involves “Explanation (not justification) of reason(s) that gave rise to the wrongdoing”, and you may also like to include this.

From Amos to Zoe:

I’m really sorry for getting angry this morning (recognition of the wrong).
It probably made you feel pretty small – like I was a parent or teacher or something scolding you… to say nothing of making you wary of me. You don’t deserve that from me (recognition that the wrong was hurtful to Zoe).
I think that when you introduced me as your “friend” and then went off to have fun with your friends all my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness were triggered and I let them out in anger (explanation without justification).
I know I have to deal with my feelings of not being quite good enough for you (or anyone), but, in the meantime, let’s see if we can find a way for me to vent my insecurity that doesn’t make you the object of my anger (proposal, commitment to find alternative behaviors).”

From Zoe to Amos:

You know, I’ve been thinking about it and I wasn’t very considerate last night (recognition of wrong).
I’m sorry. Introducing you as my “friend” sort of diminishes our relationship and then going off and engaging with my friends, people you don’t even know, probably left you feeling abandoned (recognition that the wrong was hurtful to Amos).
I think I was a little self-absorbed, intent on having fun and making an impression and forgetful of the fact that you may have been feeling like a fish out of water (explanation without justification).
I know I have to deal with my thoughtlessness, but, in the meantime, perhaps we can work out some signals and ways to check in with each other when we go to such events (proposal, commitment to find alternative behaviors).”

(Thanks Stuart – I love these.)

These apologies are good. Try them on. How do you feel? Probably these would make a big difference and maybe bring you closer.

If you want to deepen this idea – that conflict is actuality a spring board for getting closer to your partner – come back next week, for The Anatomy of a Great Apology.

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FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

SKILL TEN ~ Apologize & “Do Over” When You’ve Blown It

Apology “Fails.”
The Anatomy of a Bad Apology.
The Anatomy of a Good Apology
The Anatomy of a Great Apology

The Anatomy of a Bad Apology

10 Replies

Last week I told the story of Amos and Zoe, the office party debacle and their ensuing fight.

I ended up asking ~

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

and I offered 15 sample apologies they could have offered one another.

This week I promised to critique the apologies and offer my handy-dandy “Best Apology Guidelines” (maybe with a sexier title!). However, the critique is lengthy enough so we’ll tackle “The Anatomy of a Great Apology” next time.

*****************************************************

So, what did you make of Amos and Zoe’s predicaments?

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

A dear friend (and loyal reader of this blog who has an interest in child development and some experience in that field) submitted his response and I love it – thank you Stuart!

Here is his take:

I can think of two ways to approach the question of apology. One is to examine the offense; the other is to examine the anatomy of an apology. I think the offense first.

Was there an offense? Zoe requested Amos presence at a function that was important to her and then treated him – well, in my view, treated him dismissively. Likely, Zoe didn’t view her behavior as being dismissive but made the assumption, based on her own assumption of autonomy, that going off and pursuing her own interests was simply no big deal.

Amos behaved badly in reaction to the treatment he experienced. Probably his (over)reaction was based not only on what actually happened but on his own insecurity and sense of unworthiness.

Stuart’s points already hint at the complexity involved in whether or not a particular person feels what they did was “offensive.” Maybe they feel their partner is overly sensitive, or maybe they each have different abilities when it comes to expressing their needs. Often whether or not one feels offended is situational and worth becoming curious about. A topic for next week.

However, in a long term relationship, erring on the side of silence or bumbling your apologies when you’ve blown it, creates a rift between two people. Every time one person does something their partner feels hurt by – and fails to apologize, understand and make amends for their part – it deepens this rift. Until no bridge can span it any more and you drift – like vast inaccessible continents – too far apart to ever reunite.

How odd then, that even though we know (or at least suspect) that learning how to say sorry is a key skill for happy long-term relationships, there is still such a rich variety of appalling apologies out there? I figure it’s time to hit the pause button and review why “I’m sorry but…” (and it’s companion appalling apologies) is dead at the get-go.

So here you go. If anyone uses one of these ghastly apologies on you, you can tell them precisely why their attempt won’t cut it. Then, direct them here. Or, both come back next week to find out what it takes to use a painful incident to grow personally and interpersonally. It’s true. Mistakes really are opportunities for deepening our connections.

[If you didn’t read last week’s blog, this article will make more sense if you do. You can access it here.]

Amos’s apology is in green.
Zoe’s in red.
My rationale for why this is NOT a sincere apology follows in blue.

Apology #1

OK, I know I blew my lid Saturday morning and I’m sorry but honestly Zoe you were horrible to me at the party.
OK, so I had a fun night, made a bad choice at the end and I’m sorry but honestly Amos, you were a grump at the party and way out of line on Saturday morning.

FAIL!

It violates the “Never use ‘but” in an apology” rule.

Never use “but” in an apology. Ever. Period. Inevitably what follows is criticism or an excuse.

Apology #2

I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said on Saturday morning.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what happened at the party.

FAIL!

This violates the “Keep the focus on what you did” rule.

You are only responsible for your thoughts and your actions. How the other person reacts to you is their business and certainly does not need you taking any ownership of. “I’m sorry you felt hurt” can be experienced as belittling – like maybe feeling hurt is for sissies. Instead, own what you did.

Apology #3

Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.
Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t be conditional” rule.

“If” is a bit like “but” – an instant FAIL! When you say “If that hurt” you are telling your partner their pain is fictional, hypothetical, not something you are convinced of. Or worse, maybe your partner is over-reacting since any “normal” person wouldn’t be expressing pain round about now. No “Ifs”!

Apology #4

OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just kept my peace, not said a word, welcomed you home with open arms and not cared one iota that you’d slept in another man’s house – or was it bed – that night?
OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just focused on you and made sure you had a wonderful evening. It was selfish of me to want to dance with my co-workers and to stay at a friend’s house so I didn’t disrupt your sleep before the game, as you asked, remember?

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t go over the top” rule.

Going over the top becomes Vaudeville. Loses it’s sincerity. Not to mention the inevitable sarcasm that can slip in. Honest brevity trumps fake verbosity.

Apology #5

Zoe, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?
Amos, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?

FAIL!

This violates the “Forgiveness is a gift to be bestowed upon, not begged for” rule.

Asking to be forgiven puts all the focus on you. Long before your partner needs to forgive you, you need to understand exactly what happened, and your role in it and begin to wrap your head around how you won’t hurt them again. A premature demand of forgiveness is damaging in its own right.

Apology #6

I know you’re mad at me Zoe and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in being jealous of Jake when I know that’s in the past . And I think I’m hurting more than you are that I lost my cool and yelled at you. I’ve never wanted to be the sort of fellow who screams at his woman . . .I mean, who does that?
I know you’re mad at me Amos and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in work stories and not to dance with you. I think I’m hurting even more than you are that I stayed over at Jakes.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t drown the injured party in your own pain & sorrow” rule.

When you’ve done something your partner experiences as painful, the focus of your apology is their pain, not yours. Stay focused on seeking to understand and acknowledge their pain. Put on your grown-up pants and manage your own pain quietly, or later in a different conversation.

Apology #7

While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you friend-zoned me in the first few minutes at the party.
While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you behaved like a sullen kid at the party and then totally lost your cool on Saturday.

FAIL!

This violates the “Don’t play the blame game” rule.

A true low-bar excuse of an apology. Not only does it start out badly (saying “I must apologize” is not an apology) this heads farther south by laying blame and accusing your injured partner of deserving the treatment you delivered. Ouch!

Apology #8

You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning in agony, seeing you schmoozing with all those hot shots and then waking up to find you not home even when I had to focus on the game and everything. Then, sure I have a tantrum so maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!
You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning being stressed out by your judgmental attitude. You made no effort to relate to my friends and then blew up because I choose to be thoughtful. So maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!

FAIL!

This violates the “It takes two” rule.

Sure, sometimes you’re provoked. Sometimes your partner’s actions were super hurtful to you. And, we are talking apologies here. In every episode of relationship bruising each partner has some small part to play. Dump the math. Own your part. Simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this.”

Apology #9

So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if you treat me like that Zoe! What man wouldn’t feel outrage when his girlfriend goes home with someone else after the office party?
So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if we go to a party together and you’re no fun. I’ll take care of myself and try to have a good time. Who wouldn’t?

FAIL!

Two strikes here, right!

It violates the “Never use ‘but” in an apology rule, and
It violates the “Take corrective action” rule.

Here you’re saying that you’d do the same hurtful thing again. What sort of promise to behave differently is that? If you are genuinely sorry for something you’ve done, it’s important to start thinking about how to never do this thing again – not to threaten just the opposite!

Apology #10

Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Expressed my anger? Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?
Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Had some fun and stayed with a friend when it was so late. Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?

FAIL!

It violates the “Ignorance is not an excuse” rule.

Sure, we’re not mind-readers and sometimes it’s true that you might be confused by an outburst of grief from your partner. However, you can’t possibly offer a sincere apology until you work hard to understand what you did that was hurtful or you’ll violate #9 above. If you don’t discover what you’ve done wrong, how can you promise never to do it again?

Apology #11

Zoe stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk with you about this anymore.
Amos stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk about this with you anymore.

FAIL!

It violates the “Do not attempt to silence your partner” rule.

If your partner is bringing up an event they clearly still feel some pain around, then your apology has not landed. It has not worked. You have not – effectively – apologized, no matter how often the “magic words” have left your mouth. This is especially poignant after an affair, when the wounds are so deep and the healing takes so long. You might just have to say “I’m so so sorry” a zillion and one times.

Apology #12

I hate it when you bring that fight up Zoe, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?
I hate it when you bring that fight up Amos, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?

FAIL!

It violates the “Don’t use ‘I’m sorry’ to dodge the deeper conversation” rule.

The work of repairing a breach in your relationship takes time and many forms. A glib “I’m sorry” is not a substitute for some tough explorations of the nature of one person’s experience or pain.

Apology #13

OK Zoe here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are flirtatious and with a bit of a thoughtless streak. I can get over that.
OK Amos here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are sensitive and a tad jealous. I can get over that.

FAIL!

It violates the “Do not use your apology to make your partner feel worse” rule.

This is as real bait and switch. You start off so well, the wound begins to heal over, then suddenly you lay the flesh open and expose the underbelly of your partner. Another ‘Ouch!”

Apology #14

I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?
I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?

FAIL!

It violates the “Sometimes ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough” rule.

Because sometimes it’s not. Be open to this feedback. If you really do not know how to make amends, come back next week. I’ll be talking a whole lot more about that.

Apology #15

Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already!
Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already

FAIL!

It violates the “No back-peddling” rule.

Any good you may have undertaken will be erased by this change of heart. If your partner is still bringing up your crimes and misdemeanors the better way forward is to talk with your partner about what it still hurting them. Like a piece of the splinter is still under the skin there – don’t get mad, get that splinter out.

Many thanks to J. E. Brown for some of these distinctions.

So OK, not these. But what?

Come back next week.

We’ll unpack what makes both a good apology and a great apology. There is a difference!

****************

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

Apology “Fails.”
The Anatomy of a Bad Apology

Apology “Fails”.

11 Replies

Hey I’m sorry, but October is “Apology Month.”

Here’s a story problem for you (with no numbers, I hasten to add). It’s a not too atypical sort of mis-communication / mis-understanding / poor choice made by couples early on in their relationship. This is a composite example from some of the situations I’ve helped folks navigate.

I’ll describe the situation. You get to have sympathy for one or other (both or neither) of the protagonists as they stumble through a Christmas party fiasco.

After the damage has been done, I describe 15 hypothetical apologies they might use on one another. My invitation to you is to try these on. How do they feel if you are the one delivering the apology? How do they feel if you are the one receiving the apology. Is there one that would work for you? Or not?

Amos and Zoe are in their mid twenties. They’ve been dating for about a year and by choice each maintains a separate apartment. Over the past 3 months, Zoe has made a practice of staying with Amos after work on Friday through Sunday night so their social and recreational lives can be shared more easily.

Amos landed a decent job with a large firm in town and is finishing up his MBA on nights and weekends. He’s about three years behind the typical curve here since he took a gap year and volunteered in Costa Rica for two years with the Peace Corps. Zoe was a straight A student her whole life and saw no merit in delaying entry into the work force. She cruised through one of the nation’s best MBA programs and is now a rising star in the most prestigious firm in town. She is highly ambitious.

Zoe has asked Amos to come to her office party. He has mixed feelings. Zoe’s at a huge firm stuffed with type A personalities all of whom – Amos suspects – will look down on his firm, his choices and his salary (not they he’s going to broadcast that but he will be showing up in a Datsun not an Audi ). On top of that, Zoe is tall, wicked smart, drop-dead gorgeous, a flirtatious dancer and Amos can imagine how the wolves will be circling all night. The alcohol and music won’t help and then – wasn’t her old college boyfriend recently hired? Plus, Amos has a game at 9:00am Saturday (he plays for a local soccer league and their main rivals are up tomorrow) so he has to watch his alcohol and hopefully get to bed soon after midnight.

On the other hand, he wants her to come to his office party, and better to be there fending off the opposition than sitting home worrying.

Zoe asked Amos to the office bash because she’s been telling everyone about her “friend” (it’s a fine line at work; she wants the safety of a relationship with the just-off-limits sense of promise for her male colleagues) so she better show up with him. But, it’s not the best plan since she knows he feels insecure about his education and work place (a trait she dislikes) and he’ll want to not drink much and go home early for the game.

They take separate cars and meet in the lobby. Things head south pretty quickly they both reported. A posse of Zoe’s immediate colleagues crowd the elevator with them to the party floor and immediately drop into “shop talk” so Amos is out on a limb and Zoe makes no attempt to either introduce him nor catch him up on the backstory. He literally trails behind the group as they leave the elevator and immediately looses her to a throng of mega decibel conversation and music.

Zoe’s on her game, loving the energy, the vibe, and excitement and the anticipation of dancing. Oh – where’s Amos?

Amos figures he’ll get their drinks and uses this offering to re-enter the group. At this point she introduces him and he’s stunned to hear she says “Oh hey, I’d like to you meet my friend, Amos. Amos this is the start-up team I was telling you about…”

Friend-zoned in the first half hour? Not good. Amos racks his brains to see if he remembers any sort of opening gambit tid-bit about this team he’s apparently heard all about but draws a blank. But hey, all guys… he throws out a “how about the game last night?”

No takers. They seem to turn as one and drift off toward someone else they obviously find more interesting. Zoe pauses . . . then spots her girl friend Lucy. She grabs Amos and brings him to meet her. Lucy’s husband is away and Zoe seems keen for Amos to be attentive to Lucy while she… what did she say? But she’s gone – slipping into the throng.

From here out Zoe and Amos attend different events (experientally) and I’ll spare you the details. Amos leaves at 11:00pm after he finds Zoe on the dance floor to let her know. She agrees that’s a great idea and she’ll see him later and no, she won’t wake him on account of the game and his need for sleep.

By the time they make it to me about a month later their stories are hardened into battle lines. Here is how things played out.

Zoe did meet up with her old college flame. While she knew she did not want to hit the repeat button (he was way too self-absorbed for her long term, in fact “Narcissistic” came to mind as she described him) he was still funny, fascinating, wealthy and great dancer. By 3:00am the following morning she decided to accept his offer for her to sleep at his place rather than disturb Amos.

Amos left feeling angry and vulnerable. He berated himself for not putting on more of an alpha-male show and he wished, not for the first time, that he could Tango. He slept soundly though and it wasn’t until his alarm went on Saturday morning at 7:45 that he noticed Zoe had never come over. His own inner alarms went off but he showed up for his game (they lost) and then found Zoe sleeping off a bit of a hangover on his couch when he got home. In an instant all his frustration, anger, hurt, jealousy, doubt and insecurity erupted and for the first time in their relationship Amos went off on Zoe, calling her names, questioning her faithfulness, insulting her firm, friends, choices and attitude.

Zoe – who was feeling a bit guilty – kept calmer, but neither partner felt good about the fight that followed.

********************************************************************

OK – so right here I have 3 questions for you.

Who should apologize to whom?
What for?
Why?

Now you get to weigh in.

First, if you were Zoe, would any of the following apologies make you feel better?

OK, I know I blew my lid Saturday morning and I’m sorry but honestly Zoe you were horrible to me at the party.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said on Saturday morning.
Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.
OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just kept my peace, not said a word, welcomed you home with open arms and not cared one iota that you’d slept in another man’s house – or was it bed – that night?
Zoe, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?
I know you’re mad at me Zoe and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in being jealous of Jake when I know that’s in the past . And I think I’m hurting more than you are that I lost my cool and yelled at you. I’ve never wanted to be the sort of fellow who screams at his woman . . .I mean, who does that?
While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you friend-zoned me in the first few minutes at the party.
You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning in agony, seeing you schmoozing with all those hot shots and then waking up to find you not home even when I had to focus on the game and everything. Then, sure I have a tantrum so maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!
So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if you treat me like Zoe! What man wouldn’t feel outrage when his girlfriend goes home with someone else after the office party?
Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Expressed my anger? Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?
Zoe stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk with you about this anymore.
I hate it when you bring that fight up Zoe, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?
OK Zoe here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are flirtatious and with a bit of a thoughtless streak. I can get over that.
I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?
Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already!

Now, if you were Amos, would any of the following apologies make you feel better?

OK, so I had a fun night, made a bad choice at the end and I’m sorry but honestly Amos, you were a grump at the party and way out of line on Saturday morning.
I’m sorry you felt hurt by what happened at the party.
Listen, if that hurt you I didn’t mean it that way.
OK OK I was a total sh*t! I’m so so sorry! I ought to have just focused on you and made sure you had a wonderful evening. It was selfish of me to want to dance with my co-workers and to stay at a friend’s house so I didn’t disrupt your sleep before the game, as you asked, remember?
Amos, I made a terrible mistake. Will you forgive me?
I know you’re mad at me Amos and I feel like a low life. It was horrible of me to get all caught up in work stories and not to dance with you. I think I’m hurting even more than you are that I stayed over at Jakes.
While I must apologize, you’ve gotta admit, you brought all this on when you behaved like a sullen kid at the party and then totally lost your cool on Saturday.
You know what, here’s the deal. I spent one whole evening and most of the following morning being stressed out by your judgmental attitude. You made no effort to relate to my friends and then blew up because I choose to be thoughtful. So maybe I’m 15% of the problem but you’re packing 75% culpability I’d say!
So yeah, I’m sorry and all that but heck, I’d probably do the same thing again if we go to a party together and you’re no fun. I’ll take care of myself and try to have a good time. Who wouldn’t?
Hang on! I’m not sure I even know why you’re so mad at me. What did I do? Had some fun and stayed with a friend when it was so late. Is that so bad? Go on, tell me, why are you so mad?
Amos stop it! I said sorry a zillion times already. I won’t talk about this with you anymore.
I hate it when you bring that fight up Amos, it hurts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, OK?
OK Amos here’s the truth of it. I’m willing to say sorry, I’m willing to make amends and start over. I’m willing to accept you as you are and maybe you just are sensitive and a tad jealous. I can get over that.
I’ve said I’m sorry haven’t I? Isn’t sorry enough anymore?
Look, it really pisses me off when you bring up that event. Get over it already!

What do you think? How many of these pretty common forms of apology would work for you? Two or three? None?

Come back next week and I’ll give the therapists’ critique of each of these, plus deliver my handy-dandy Best Apology Guidelines (maybe with a sexier title!).

Plus – if you’ve stumbled upon this blog and have read this far – thank you! Or if you read it regularly by following the Facebook link, thank you! I’d love to invite you not to miss next weeks (or any of the remaining weeks) by hitting the “FOLLOW” button to subscribe.

In 2016 I plan to turn these Relationship Skills articles into a book, and having a healthy blog subscriber list all helps when it comes time to publish and market.

Here’s to some conscious apologies this week and come back for the critique.

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

Apology “Fails.”

Before You Trust Again

13 Replies

Before you trust again, hit the pause button.

For some, the experience of losing trust in a loved one is a defining moment. Like those falling dreams where you are tumbling through space fearing there will be nothing beneath to catch you. And then you awake with a start. You’ve landed. You’re alive. The world has tilted on it’s axis. Your question might be ~

“Now what? How can I survive in a world turned upside down?”

For some, trust is a pretty disposable commodity. We give it and lose it and suck it up and do it again. The self-help industry is testimony to our human desire to rise again once we fall. The second, third and fourth marriage stats are a testimony to folks willing to risk the vulnerability of commitment again, and again, and even again. Your question might be ~

“So what! Are there any safeguards against betrayal?”

I hope there are helpful things here for anyone who has ever felt the sting of lost trust. And, I realize I have a particular soft spot for people like my mother – who discovered my father was having an affair in the 1960s’ and had to just carry on. As a Catholic stay-at-home Mum she felt she had no options. Maybe I wish I could have shared these ideas with her back then. Maybe maybe she might have been able to guide her marriage into a more healthy harbor.

So indeed, loosing trust can be one of those moments we choose to gloss over. You know, go all British and bellow with false bravado “I say old chap, let’s . . .”

Which, while it worked well enough for Britain’s Shadow Ministry of Information to rally morale and tamp down hysteria during World War II, is really not a workable operating instruction for great relationships.

Instead, I’d offer this as your rallying cry when it comes to rebuilding trust.

WHY?

Great question!

Well, it’s interesting isn’t it What we want is the depth of trust Piglet has in Pooh.What we’ve got is doubt, anger and uncertainty. And right there, when you are feeling so sad, betrayed, worried, frightened and alone I’m going to invite you to be curious in three particular ways.

ONE ~ INTERROGATE REALITY

As in, find out all you can about what just happened, from at least 2 points of view.

Think of yourself as the doctor, initially for your own case of pain and breach of trust, and then for the person whose actions have caused this for you.

Get curious about these six things below, for you and for this other person. You are seeking to reduce your uncertainty and confusion by understanding as much as you can about the situation. You are doing the opposite of KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON. You’re investigating with eyes wide open and a determination to understand as much as you can. For each person, let yourself ponder these questions:

ANTECEDENTS – what was happening just before this breach of trust?
BEHAVIORS – what exactly happened? What did each of you do / not do?
COGNITION – what are you thinking? How are you scripting this event? How is the other person scripting this?
DURATION – how long has this been going on… for each of you?
EFFECT – what are some of the outcomes of these actions and reactions?
FEELINGS – what range of emotions have you been through? Have they?

When your trust has been broken, you initially may feel shocked, angry, disappointed. All so understandable. But you’ll also feel frustrated, helpless and uncertain. Letting yourself wrap your head around the initial facts of the situation can really help. There will be a time to go beyond the raw facts, but grasping these things can feel empowering, and even a little hopeful.

TWO ~ LEARN ALL YOU CAN

OK – so now you know the basics of the who / what / when & where, and it’s time to reach out for some specific help. It could be your child you’ve lost trust with, in which case I’d suggest reading Option A (see below in gold). If it’s your partner you’ve lost trust with, scroll on down to Option B, also in gold.

A) If it’s your child who’s challenging your trust in them by ~

Taking your car without asking
Getting a speeding ticket
Skipping school
Getting into drugs
Getting pregnant
Hurting or bullying someone else
Self-destructing and refusing to accept your (or anyone’s) help

Please do seek help. Here are 3 types of resources to begin with.

BIBLIOTHERAPY

Yes – books are a powerful source of comfort and help so letting yourself do some research up front can make a difference.

Type “Defiant Child” or “Suicidal Teenager” or whatever your particular concern is into your favorite search engine. You’ll see heaps of articles and books.

One caution. Before you read anything (book, blog or article) figure out the credentials of the author. Can you trust this person to be helpful to you? Do they have an obvious bias? Faith tradition? Parenting philosophy” Just be aware that not everything on line or in print is good. That’s why I suggest looking at lots of things. The ones that seem to make sense to you will rise above the others.

Go to the library and search through the books you read about . Stagger out of the place with shopping bags full of books.

Skim the titles, the back cover, the inside jacket. Look at the chapter titles. Dip in and out of whatever catches your eye. Notice the biases of the authors, but hopefully you’ll begin to find some helpful information.

Again, there really is a plethora of good material out there. I am particularly fond of:

Haim Ginott – see Between Parent and Child and Between Parent and Teenager.
Julie Lythcott-Haims How To Raise An Adult

WISE UP

Just because your trust in your child has been challenged or broken, does not mean one of you is “right” and one “wrong.” There’s lots going on with teens and deepening your understanding of what’s happening for them is vital. If the trust challenge has to do with one of the issues below you’ll certainly benefit from the appropriate resource.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255 – Resources
Depression in Teens – Resources
Alcohol and Teens – Resources
Drug Abuse – Resources
Bullying – Resources
Cyber Addictions – Resources
Gender Identity – Resources

PROFESSIONAL HELP

When you reach the limit of your own ability to educate yourself with on-line resources, consulting a professional is enormously helpful.

Two great places to start in terms of finding a qualified professional in your area, with the particular expertise you need, are:

AAMFT (The American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy) Therapist Locator
Psychology Today’s Find A Therapist.

B) If it’s your spouse who’s challenging your trust in them by ~

Not keeping their commitments
Being unavailable emotionally or physically
Squandering your joint funds
Not seeking help for their addictions
Having an emotional affair
Having a sexual affair
Leading a secret life

Please do seek help. Here are 3 types of resources to begin with.

BIBLIOTHERAPY

Yes – books are balm and letting yourself do some research up front is super helpful.

Type “Best resources for rebuilding trust” into your favorite search engine. You’ll see heaps of books. Review some of them that catch your eye. Read the reviews.

One caution. Before you read anything (book, blog or article) review the credentials of the author. Can you trust this person to be helpful to you? Do they have an obvious bias? Faith tradition? Axe to grind? Just be aware that not everything on line or in print is good. That’s why I suggest looking at lots of things. The ones that seem to make sense to you will rise above the others.

Go to the library and search through the books you read about . Stagger out of the place with shopping bags full of books.

Again, there really is a plethora of good material out there and so much depends upon the nature of the breach of trust.

WISE UP

Just because your trust in your spouse has been challenged or broken, does not mean one of you is 100% “right” and one 100% “wrong.” Life is messy and complex and there are demons within each of us who sometimes take over. If your trust challenge has to do with one of the issues below, learning more about the specifics of the problem is very important.

Drug, Alcohol or other Substance Abuse – Resources
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Issues – Resources
Behavioral Addictions – Resources
Sexual Addiction – Resources
Suicidal Ideas or Attempts – Resources

PROFESSIONAL HELP

If or when you reach the limit of your own ability to educate yourself with on-line resources, consulting a professional is enormously helpful.

Two great places to start in terms of finding a qualified professional in your area, with the particular expertise you need, are:

AAMFT (The American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy) Therapist Locator
Psychology Today’s Find A Therapist.

THREE ~ INTERROGATE YOURSELF

Ask yourself, and really answer, these seven questions.

If there was one thing I was trying NOT to know about my relationship before I lost my trust, what might it have been?
If there was one conversation I ought to have had much sooner, long before trust was broken, what might it have been?
If there was one thing I silently judged about this person, what was it?
If, looking back, there was one change in the way I related to this person who broke my trust – what might it have been?
If, looking forward, there is one change I could initiate now in the way I relate, what do I wish it could be?
If there was one positive outcome almost too good to hope for, that might possibly come about as we heal and move through this breach of trust – what is my most daring wish?
If there was one aspect of my own character I would love to bring more conscious awareness to, what might it be?

So, dear reader, before you trust again, hit that pause button.

Love yourself enough to recognize no matter how powerless and broken you may feel, there is SO much you can do to understand, learn, support and be supported through this journey toward an ever expanding capacity for love, trust, understanding, wisdom, self compassion and that dash of curiosity that will allow you to indeed, after all of this . . .

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

How To Trust Yourself

13 Replies

In 1984, for reasons I will explain (and you will possibly consider idiotic) I brought our eighteen month honeymoon – traveling in a VW camper through Europe and the Middle East – to a halt because I wanted to nest in my own home and become an upholsterer.

Yes – we traded the charms of small French towns like Cassis

and adventures on an Israeli Kibbutz and the newly-returned-to Egypt vast Sinai Peninsula (which in 1983 was virtually unoccupied following the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty of 1979)

so I could pull the stuffing out of elderly sofas, become adept at tying internal springs in the classic 8-way-pattern for maximum holding and comfort

and tackle the occasional “Button Back” project.

An odd choice, and one I went on to regret.

What was I thinking?

I had persuaded myself that I was a contemplative craftsperson who needed to work quietly on my own with classical music and scented candles, carefully restoring gorgeous antiques for folks who liked such things. And I wasn’t interested in hearing anything to the contrary.

Until I did. And the contrary voice I heard was loud, insistent, and from within.

“I’m miserable! Here I am working away on my own, in the basement with things while what I really love and crave are people, sunlight and ideas!”

I had completely mis-read who I was and what I needed. Talk about undermining my trust in what I knew to be true about myself! I set aside my tools.

In 1980, for reasons I will explain (and you could possibly also consider idiotic) I brought my 2 year back-packing adventure around the USA to a halt

by moving in with a man three days after I met him at The Last Exit on Brooklyn, in Seattle.

Me! A convent-boarding-school-graduate-with-two-sisters-nuns-who-had-no-intention-of-getting-married-anyway. But, I made the lightening quick decision to stay with this warm, kind Seattleite.

For a while.

Another odd/out of character choice, and one I’m eternally grateful for.

What was I thinking?

Lots of things!

I really liked this man. He felt familiar and kind and I was an emotional kaleidoscope. Some days I’d feel loving and secure, others I’d panic about my future and our differences. Sometimes I’d feel content at the prospect of choosing “the one”, other times I let myself explore my options. [if you’re curious read this]. I had lengthy phone conversations with my aunts and sisters; I sobbed and laughed with girl friends; I sought counsel from wise folks; and Mark and I went about our lives getting to know one another ever more deeply.

700 days after we met (during which time Mark came to England to meet my family, and we sought a work visa for me) we said our “I dos” at the Burke Museum in Seattle at our pot-luck-home-spun wedding filled with the crazy chaotic kindnesses of friends and family (still grateful for that cake Stuart!).

So – how come the trust I placed in my decision to be a contemplative upholsterer was so misguided, while the trust I placed in my spontaneous decision to move in and ultimately spend the rest of my life with Mark, so spot on?

How can we get trust right?

In Can We Trust Too Much, I suggested the way forward lay in “helping a person learn how to nourish their own feedback systems so they can:

manage their natural inclination to be either more or less trusting, this Alphabet helps;
manage their attachment wounds, if present, so that the fear of abandonment or abuse is recognized and healed;
cultivate a clear-eyed, robust sense of self so they can wisely discern what level of trust this or that person or situation safely warrants.”

So, what is this feedback system and how come it’s trustworthy anyway?

Here’s what works for me, and increasingly, for my clients.

Our own infallible-once-we-know-how-to-use-it feedback system is ~

Available to us 24/7
Body-centered
Compassionate
Do-able
Effective
Fair
Growth-promoting
Honest
Individualized for our specific journey . . .

(OK – you get the point. I won’t go through the whole alphabet)

Maybe you can discern what it is as I review the ways I approached becoming an upholsterer versus the way I approached staying with Mark?

In the first instance I listened to only one inner voice. I listened exclusively to that Part of me who was absolutely of the opinion that I was, at my core, destined to be a contemplative upholsterer.

I had shut down the opposition. Any Part of me who might have had doubts about the plan was seen as a threat to my desire for certainty and the poster-child of certainty for me then was a life-long-dedication to the craft of upholstery.

But, in that tiny percentage of my attention I was ignoring, there were Parts gnawing at my gut, tightening in my upper back, and whispering in my heart ~

But I hate sewing;
Maybe I want to go back to Grad School;
Will I earn enough;
What if I get lonely?

Too bad for them! My contemplative-hold-tight-to-certainty Part monopolized all the attention in my inner Cabinet, drowning out dissent and shoving aside the President. Until she couldn’t. Until those ignored inner knowings erupted and I could no longer refuse to hear them and I cracked open with frustration, grief, and rage at my inauthenticity.

I was like a President who fills her cabinet with “yes people.” In trusting only one adviser, I was completely oblivious to the larger reality I’d been ignoring.

Enough of the broken chairs already!

With the Mark decision it was the opposite. Within my inner Cabinet I was certainly swayed by my Minister for Spontaneity who argued “Hey, you gotta seize the moment girl..tomorrow you move on. If you don’t spend time with this man now, this moment won’t ever come around again.”

But, this Part had lots of supporters~

This man feels safe and kind, this is a great decision;
His family is European, so it feels familiar;
I like that he has a career already sorted out;
Good job finding a man who sings so wonderfully!
He loves animals too – an excellent sign.

And lots of opposition too ~

What about my volunteer job with VSO in Indonesia – I want to see that through;
I’d be nuts to put my dreams aside for a man;
Do I even want to stay in America?
I’m still grieving the death of my mother, this is no time for love;
Our spirituality is way too different.

But the difference this time was that I welcomed information. I listened to all these Parts. I paid attention not only to my thoughts but to my body, which had plenty to say! I listened to depression, to a spasming back, to knee and ankle injuries, to headaches and to the gnawing in my gut. I worked the issues until I felt I understood what needed to be understood in that moment. I let reality be messy and complex.

Each Part held a piece of the truth. Each part wanted what was best for me, from her perspective. This idea of listening carefully to multiple competing views is hardly new, in psychology or politics. Fellow history enthusiasts might appreciate the analogy to Lincoln’s cabinet, beautifully described in Team of Rivals. Author Doris Kearns Goodwin explains (in an interview for National Archives)

At the same time, Lincoln was facing a Republican Party that was very young and whose members had come from a variety of other parties. They were former Whigs, former Democrats. By putting his rivals in his cabinet, he had access to a wide range of opinions, which he realized would sharpen his own thinking. It also gave him a way of keeping all those conflicting opinions together. If he didn’t have a unified group fighting against the South, the fight would be impossible to sustain. So having all those opinions in his cabinet not only helped him; it helped the country as well.

So, like President Lincoln, when it was time to make a decision, that decision arose from a deeply informed place. My own inner team of rivals was led by my inner President (what I usually call my Self) in a way that considered the views of all the Parts. My Self was curious and compassionate toward all the fears, all the stories, all the desires held by these Parts. My Self understood, for example, both how hard it would be to abandon my VSO position in Indonesia and how hard it would be to walk away from an extraordinary relationship.

Each Part of me, each distinct set of beliefs/fears/desires I held, was welcomed, attended to, appreciated for the specific perspective it brought, and considered or negotiated with. Until I realized that I knew what needed to happen. Until I recognized an upwelling of certainty that came from getting to know all the Parts. And, at some point there was no longer a question. I knew I wanted to be with Mark above everything else. And all the Parts felt good about it.

Don’t trust me on this one folks – try it for yourself!

Next time you need to trust yourself with a decision – whether about a relationship, office politics, a move, an issue with your child or parent – let yourself genuinely tune into all the Parts of you who have something to contribute. View them all as helpful. It’s the Parts of us we shove aside as irrelevant or discordant or irritating, or frightening in their implications, that have the most power to unravel whatever version of “trusting myself” you come up with.

If you want some help here are five suggestions for moving forward

Read more about Parts work and Dr. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems

Read Jay Earley’s book Self Therapy

Read There’s A Part of Me (or anything else that catches your attention) here:

See the first three articles in this series

Why bother?

Because every relationship is built on trust. So, what Part(s) of you are doing the trusting? Your ability to trust other people will grow to the extent you get to know which Parts of you are showing up as you decide whether or not to trust. Trust is a process. It ought not be given too quickly. So, the more your President (your Self ) learns how to distinguish and listen compassionately to all your inner Parts the greater the chance you will form a clear and informed assessment.

Before you can trust (or re-trust) someone else, you need to learn to trust yourself.

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

Trusting Myself

2 Replies

Dear Reader,

In a delicious twist of irony, I’m having to trust my gut that it is OK for me not to publish an article today on how to trust one’s gut.

I think I’ll blame the cat.

I’ll be back here next week!

Warmly,

Gemma

Can We Trust Too Much?

15 Replies

Q Can we trust too much?

A Yes!

If you think about your life, I expect you can think of a time when you put your trust in a stranger who let you down.

Has a salesperson ever made false promises about a product ?
Did you fall for that on-line magical diet only to find you’re still 15 lbs more than you want to be?
Has a vacation brochure promised sea views from your balcony but here you are looking at a brick wall?

My guess is however that you still believe strangers, buy stuff, sample new diet aids and are persuaded by good ad copy to take distant vacations.

Why do you do that?

How come you knowingly engage in activities that conned you before?

Possibly, like me, you learn from the feedback you receive each time your trust is betrayed.

You’ll probably consult the Better Business Bureau or talk to friends before believing a particular products’ claims.

If you’re in the market for some self-improvement routine for your body or your mind you’ll probably read the testimonials, or maybe talk at length to some people who have tried what you are considering.

And as for those glossy sea-views or cruise-ship brochures? Two words. Due diligence.

In other words, you cultivate discernment. Hopefully you make fewer dumb purchases, and the economy still thrives because there are so many folks who are on their own particular learning curve so shoddy products, fake diets and ghastly vacations still sell like hotcakes!

Let’s go deeper.

I expect you can think of times when you put your trust in someone you love who then let you down.

Did your parents ever say “I’ll be at your game!” only to never show up?
Did your partner swear to live within the budget you both agreed to, only to squander $1000s gambling and rack it up as unanticipated debt?
Did your spouse promise to be monogamous, only to cheat on you?

Now what?

Did you stop inviting your parents to your events so you’d not feel let down?
Did you invite your parents, give them dozens of chances to redeem themselves, and ride that roller coaster between hope and despair in your childhood home?
Or did you invite your parents, but manage your expectations so whether they came or not you’d be OK?

What about your gambling partner?

Do you file for divorce immediately and unravel your joint finances so you can regain control over your life?
Do you have another budget conversation and trust them to “never gamble again, I swear…”
Or do you create some accountability with a firm-but-fair response that connects your spouse with some version of Gamblers Anonymous and you with resources to help rather than enable the behaviors?

What about an unfaithful spouse?

Do you immediately file for divorce without exploring any of the circumstances because it’s just too darn painful and you feel irreparably betrayed and righteous as in “How could s/he do this to me?”
Do you so fear being abandoned that you put up a modest fight, but let them know you forgive them if they just won’t ever do it again?
Do you insist on clarity, and invite both of you to therapy to explore what led to this affair, to understand what your relationship needs now, begin to heal and renegotiate the contract each of you wants going forward?

It’s not black and white is it?

And while it might seem as if I biased the answers above to favor option 3 in each case, the truth is that how we respond depends upon a whole other layer of trust. We can only end up more or less in alignment with the option 3 responses to the extent we trust ourselves.

We experience our world as predictable enough, as trustworthy enough to the extent three factors are in play:

NATURE – there is mounting evidence that people are born with different predispositions around trust. Don’t take my words for it! Here’s

Roderick Kramer in The Harvard Business Review in June 2009 writing on Rethinking Trust
Rebecca Slack, a PhD researcher in Neuroscience at University of Sheffield writing in The Washington Post in October 2014 about why some people are more trusting than others;

NURTURE – Since John Bowlby’s work on attachment in the 1950s we’ve understood that parenting matters. Here’s

Lisa Firestone writing for Psychology Today on how infant attachment styles impact adult relationships
Luke Cheng, a Dartmouth researcher on the interactive role our friendships play on our ability to trust.

NOURISHMENT – Is the term I’m giving for this third factor in ones ability to trust. It’s the only one over which you have control, and it’s never too late to begin. Summed up by one of my favorite aphorisms:

“Trust in Allah, but tether your camel first.”

it’s about cultivating conscious awareness for all the factors in play before deciding whether, and how much, to trust.

As Frank Crane puts it ~

We need that Goldilocks zone of trust.

Believe me, if a couple comes to me so burdened by one partner’s inability to ever trust again after a painful betrayal it greatly reduces the likelihood the relationship will ever recover.

And, if a couple comes to me with one partner totally committed to trusting their sweetie in the face of overwhelming evidence that this is unwise (refusing to recognize when addictions are present for example) it will bring about their mutual assured destruction.

More and more I find I’m working to help individuals learn how to trust themselves enough to be able to make heart-centered yet informed decisions.

This means helping a person learn how to nourish their own feedback systems so they can ~

manage their natural inclination to be either more or less trusting, this Alphabet helps;
manage their attachment wounds, if present, so that the fear of abandonment or abuse is recognized and healed;
cultivate a clear-eyed, robust sense of self so they can wisely discern what level of trust this or that person or situation safely warrants.

What does this look like in practice? Come back NEXT WEEK where I’ll be writing about how to trust yourself more accurately

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness

SKILL EIGHT ~ Negotiate with a Win-Win Mentality

SKILLS FOR RE-CONNECTING

SKILL NINE ~ Build (or rebuild) trust.

The Alphabet of Trust
Can We Trust Too Much?

The Alphabet of Trust

16 Replies

Trust is like love. It’s one of those super dense words we seldom unpack. So, for a start, what does it mean to love? What does love look like?

I think that’s why 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is such a popular wedding verse. It offers a set of “How To” guidelines:

Love is always patient and kind;
Love is never jealous;
Love is not boastful or conceited,
It is never rude and never seeks its own advantage,
It does not take offense or store up grievances.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth.
It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Absent these suggestions, we might think love is just a fuzzy feeling.

So how about trust? Is trust just a fuzzy feeling, or are there behavioral guidelines that show us how to behave in a trustworthy manner? Or how to demonstrate our trust in someone else?

And if so, what are they?

Relationship researcher extraordinaire John Gottman has a fascinating article on Trust & Betrayal. If this is an area you are interested in, I highly recommend checking this link.

Meanwhile, I decided to take a stab at my own list of behavioral guidelines for how to cultivate trust.

Your character (who you are ) and your competence (how you act) show up in many ways of course, but the list below, if practiced, will help your relationship in two powerful ways.

You will become more trustworthy
You will become more trusting.

I’ve been thinking about this because I’ve had a few clients lately who were raised in less-than-trustworthy environments. They were abused sexually, emotionally or physically and never learned what a trustworthy adult looked like. These young people can’t call upon an inner experience of trustworthiness. They have to think through the huge issues of “Whom can I trust?” and “How do I trust?”. They could use some behavioral guidelines.

This Alphabet of Trust is for them

ACCEPT influence ~ from your partner. If you show them you accept (which does not mean you have to agree) their views and opinions, they will be more inclined to accept, and trust, yours.

BELONG to one another ~ reassure your partner you are there for them, they belong in your heart, there is always a space for them.

CONTROL ~ is an illusion in all but two places: your thoughts and your behavior. So, by all means take responsibility for all you think (and the stories you tell yourself) and all you do (how you show up on the planet with words and actions). But release any temptation to control or manipulate your partner. Trying to manage the outside world to protect your inside emotions never works.

DUMP DEFENSIVENESS ~ if you make a mistake, don’t use excuses or be defensive. Own your error and simply say you are sorry. Be clear. Be true. End of conversation!

ENJOY EYE CONTACT ~ lean in, look into each other’s eyes, whether you’re chatting over a beer or making love. Eyes seldom lie.

(be) FAITHFUL ~ to whatever promises you make. If you’ve pledged monogamy, stay monogamous; if you’ve pledged to move after med school, move after med school; if you say you’ll take kid duty all Saturday, do that. Keep your commitments. If you absolutely need to change things, negotiate. Don’t just drop the ball.

GIVE thanks ~ be grateful for little things; a bed made, a meal served, a wound kissed, a knotted shoulder rubbed.

(be) HONEST ~ tell the truth in everything . Little lies are a slippery slope to big lies. Tell the truth even when no one will know otherwise.

INITIATE connection ~ reach out frequently. Little and often is great. A text. A smile. A hand squeeze.

JUDGE with your heart ~ it’s too easy to tell ourselves negative tales about why our partner did this or that. Suspicion is like a poisonous worm – it will eat you up from the inside out. If you have a worry, it is better to confide that you have a worry and get it out in the open.*

KEEP their secrets ~ if your partner shares something with you in confidence, guard it fiercely. The alternative is a fast track to betrayal.

LISTEN deeply ~ tune in, seek to understand, paraphrase what you heard and ask “Did I get that right?”

(be) MINDFUL ~ when you speak and act. It’s crazy-making to live with someone who says or does hurtful things and then denies having said or done them crying “But I didn’t mean it!”

NEGOTIATE WITH A WIN-WIN MINDSET ~ in partnerships, that old win/loose idea is actually loose/loose. It does not feel like a simple win/loose, it feels like win/betray. Get creative until you find a solution that works for both of you. See How To Negotiate The Small Stuff for tips on how to do this.

OWN up ~ if you blow it, say so. Offer an apology. Excuses suck!

(be) PREDICTABLE (but not boring!) ~ a fine line, I know! Create certainty in the big stuff, like your values and dependability. Bring variety to the small stuff, like where and how you “eat, pray, love” (Thanks Ms. Gilbert).

QUESTION ~ what you do not understand, don’t make assumptions. Ask your partner to clarify things so you can get to know the truth, not your fantasy.

RESPECT ~ who your partner is, take his/her thoughts seriously. Never be dismissive.

SPEAK ~ carefully. Not all the time of course, the warm friendly banter between two lovers needs no scripting nor censorship. But if something is bothering you (from a small irritation about making the bed, through a huge gut-wrenching fear your partner may have been unfaithful) HOW you approach the issue is key. Huge topic of course – you may find my series on communicating helpful. It begins with The Five Conversations,

(be) TRANSPARENT ~ be upfront about your motives, reasoning and opinions.

USE “Us” & “We” ~ not “I’ and “You,” as in “We’ve got a problem between us” rather than “I want this and you want that; I’m right & you’re wrong.”

(be) VULNERABLE ~ let yourself show up warts and all. We all have aspects of ourselves we are afraid of, or embarrassed by. It is a huge vote of trust to share these aspects of who you are.

WAIT ~ and count to 10 if you must, before you express an angry emotion. Being with a partner who flies off the handle is emotionally frightening. Calm yourself down before you talk about a difficult subject. If this is an issue for you, see The 7 Deadliest Fights.

(E) XAMINE ~ your life and conscience from time to time. Are you as trustworthy as you can be?

YIELD ~ your desires and wants sometimes. It can feel very reassuring to feel prioritized by a partner.

ZIP-IT ~ sometimes stopping all the noise, all the words, all the “communicating”, processing, planning, commentating, justifying and explaining to simply be still in the presence of one another is the biggest boost to mutual trust there is.

CAVEAT

These guidelines are not always wise. It will depend upon whether or not you are in a relationship with a more or less healthy individual. Be sure to come back next week and we’ll explore what to do when your partner is not yet deserving of trust.

Is learning how to trust rocket science?
No.

Does it require the dedicated life long practice of heart, mind and soul?
Yes.

And well worth it it is.

(Thank you to Jenn Erickson for the delightful vintage alphabet images.)

NEXT WEEK?

Can we ever be too trusting?

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the latest article in a year-long series on the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-had.”

Click the box for the full list. →

If you’re interested in reading this blog in sequence, below are links to the series to date, beginning with the first posting at the top.

OVERVIEW

SKILLS FOR UNDERSTANDING

SKILL ONE ~ Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

SKILL TWO ~ Learn how to be pro-active: choose how y’all show up.

SKILL THREE ~ Accept (and get curious about) other peoples’ complexity

SKILLS FOR CONNECTING

SKILL FOUR ~ Master the Art of Conversation

SKILL FIVE ~ Learn How To Listen With Your Whole Self

SKILL SIX ~ Crack The Empathy Nut

SKILL SEVEN ~ Practice Kindness