Tag Archives: Suicide prevention

Suicide Survivor

When someone you know and love deliberately ends their own life you get a free, lifetime membership into the not-so-very-exclusive “SOS Club” club. Comes with this fine label too: you are now forever a Survivor Of Suicide, or a “suicide survivor.”

If you lose someone to death by natural causes, or even if your loved one is murdered, you’re not called a “someone-murdered survivor” or a “death-by-natural-causes survivor.” Only suicide brings with it such a complicated mourning, and the following bewildering array of emotions:

“Shock is often the immediate reaction to suicide, along with a physical and emotional numbness. These are the ways of temporarily screening out the pain so that it can be experienced in smaller, more manageable steps.
Depression may appear as disturbed sleep, fatigue, inability to concentrate, change in appetite, and the feeling that nothing can make life worth living.
Anger may be part of the grief response, whether directed towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or oneself.
Relief may be a part of the reaction when the suicide followed a long decline into self-destructive behavior and mental anguish.
Guilt often surfaces as the feeling, “If only I had done.”, “If only I had said or not said.”
Why? Many survivors struggle long and hard with this question”

Taken from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Possibly because so many people kill themselves (twice as many as are murdered in many countries) and possibly because the rule-of-thumb wisdom is that each death impacts at least 6 other people deeply, (which gives us almost a quarter million new “suicide survivors” a year in the USA and 3 to 4 thousand new suicide survivors in New Zealand) there is a lot of very helpful information already published on the web.

Downloadable right here [ SOS_handbook ] is the Handbook of Survivors of Suicides, a wonderful small booklet, written by Jeffrey Jackson, and published by the American Association of Suicidology. I quote from the beginning:

This is a book for people who have lost a loved one to suicide, written by someone who has suffered the same loss. I lost my wife, Gail, to suicide several years ago. She was 33 when she took a deliberate overdose of pills.

And downloadable right here is [ Surviving a Suicide Loss-resource_healing_guide ] , published by the American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide. The following words are from the front page:

We encourage survivors to gather, to remember, to speak aloud the precious names of those lost to suicide. You are in a safe place with those who understand. If you are very new to the tragedy of suicide loss, despair may be your companion. We hope you find some time to rest your burden and share it with those of us who need no explanation. There is no map on this path to becoming whole. It is the most painful of journeys — full of twists and turns, bruised hearts and misunderstandings. Small wonders appear on this path but we may be too sore or fragile to recognize them. But there will be a day when you can look back and know that they were there. We share your loneliness. We share your sorrow. We share your questions. We honor those we love who have been lost to suicide. May the radiance and beauty of their lives never be defined by their deaths.
Survivors are the most courageous people we know. Be well, be peaceful, be hopeful.

Resources for those in New Zealand

For The Newly Bereaved After Suicide

Support Groups around New Zealand for people bereaved by suicide

Resources for those in United States

American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the nation’s leading organization bringing together people across communities and backgrounds to understand and prevent suicide, and to help heal the pain it causes. Individuals, families, and communities who have been personally touched by suicide are the moving force behind everything we do.
We strive for a world that is free of suicide.
We support research, because understanding the causes of suicide is vital to saving lives.
We educate others in order to foster understanding and inspire action.
We offer a caring community to those who have lost someone they love to suicide, or who are struggling with thoughts of suicide themselves.
We advocate to ensure that federal, state, and local governments do all they can to prevent suicide, and to support and care for those at risk.

The American Association of Suicidology whose mission is to:

Advance Suicidology as a science; encouraging, developing and disseminating scholarly work in suicidology.
Encourage the development and application of strategies that reduce the incidence and prevalence of suicidal behaviors.
Compile, develop, evaluate and disseminate accurate information about suicidal behaviors to the public.
Foster the highest possible quality of suicide prevention, intervention and postvention to the public.
Publicize official AAS positions on issues of public policy relating to suicide.
Promote research and training in suicidology.

Thanks for visiting. You can find the the rest of this mini-series on suicide here:

Part 1 – “The woman who helped” in “I’ve got a loaded gun . . .”
Part 2 – Who’s at Risk?
Part 3 – Suicidal Friend?
Part 4 – Suicide Survivor.

Suicide, who’s at risk?

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If you’ve stumbled upon this post, it’s part 2 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, dedicated to a dear man, Simon “Sketch” Ellis, who spent over 20 years travelling the world, making friends as he went. Sketch ended his own life earlier this year and those of us left are wondering what drew him toward that decision. This post explores some of the facts about suicide, and draws attention to the risk factors that are most typically in play for someone who opts for death at their own hand. The final 2 posts offer suggestions for how to help a friend in need, (what to say, what not to say, how to think about your friend so you feel empowered to take action), and finally how to survive life after death, if you’ve lost a loved one to suicide.

First of all, if you are in crisis now, or if you know of someone who is, take action. It is the rare soul who is 100% committed to death (see April 2nd post). Intervention can help.

In Crisis Now?

In New Zealand call 0800 611 116 National Healthline

In United States call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

These lines are free, open all the time and available to anyone in need.

A few facts

In New Zealand in 2010 ,
of a total population of 4,367,700
522 people killed themselves
Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 11.9

In the United States in 2010
of a total population of 308,745,538.
38,000 killed themselves
Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 12.3

Read by friends at Sketch’s Memorial

He was humble, kind, generous, and considerate. His positive energy permeated into the souls of us all. He followed his dreams. He led the most colorful life filled with challenges that he embraced with open arms. He travelled the world; saw places, experienced different cultures that would make the likes of David Palin and Richard Attenborough jealous! Unlike the great explorers, we read about in our history books, he did not come to take he came to give. His ability to communicate with every walk of life, the nomads in Mongolia, the one-eyed guard in DR Congo, the Pakistani patient in the hospital in Qatar, the Cambodian rice farmer to name a few, made him welcome everywhere. He radiated trust and kindness. He was never afraid of hard work. He was happiest getting his hands dirty to help others. He was the most giving person I have ever met.

Rebecca

Drilling into the data a bit more we learn that ~

Suicide is around the 10th leading cause of death
In most countries, women continue to attempt suicide more often than men
Men however, tend to be 4 times more successful
Firearms are the most common method of suicide in the USA for men
Suffocation (including hanging) and poisoning are the next most common methods
There is 1 suicide for every 25 attempts
The poor, minorities and disenfranchised kill themselves more often

In autopsies of those who commit suicide, US data discovered:

33.3% tested positive for alcohol
23% for antidepressants
20.8% for opiates, including heroin and prescription painkillers

Not only did you travel to all those many countries, cities, towns and villages… You helped make things better along the way, fighting against poachers, helping reintroduce rehabbed rhinos back into the wild, working with children just to name a few…. You always gave so much of yourself and asked for so little in return.

Suzanne Stafford, USA

What are the risk factors for suicide?

More than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have these risk factors ~

depression and other mental disorders, or a substance-abuse disorder (9 in 10 report this)
prior suicide attempt
family history of mental disorder or substance abuse
family history of suicide
family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
firearms in the home (used in more than half of suicides)
incarceration
exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.

And maybe this explains what happened to someone as vivid and vital as Sketch –

three out of four individuals who take their own life had a physical illness when they committed suicide.

Well Nomad, you wandered this earth living life to the full and I was lucky enough that our paths crossed in Hong Kong in 96 and we traveled on in 97 to Cambodia, laughing a lot and having an adventure. It was good to catch up with you again in Cambodia just over a year ago, just didn’t expect that your travel’s would end on this earth. I expect you’re up there with your pack on your back moving from star to star ‘cause that’s what you were like. It was a pleasure to have known you…happy travels on the other side.

Richard Williams

There’s so much yet to understand as our attitudes toward death-by-choice (including euthanasia) are pushed by the data. However, it’s important to remember that suicide is NOT a normal response to stress! Whilst the number of people suffering from depression, other mental illnesses and addictions is on the rise, “new research is showing that the risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, including serotonin. Decreased levels of serotonin have been found in people with depression, impulsive disorders, and a history of suicide attempts, and in the brains of suicide victims“.

Coming:

What to do if a friend is suicidal?
Life after death (by suicide)

“I’ve got a loaded gun . . .

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. . . .it’s pointed at my head. Give me one good reason not to pull the trigger.”

“Because I don’t want you to.”

That’s all she said. Just, “Because I don’t want you to.”

I was in my late 20s when I heard this story on the BBC. A woman had answered her home phone one evening and on the other end of the line was this desperate man. Apparently he thought he was dialing his brother, whom he hated. Instead, the wrong number led him to a very calm, compassionate, ordinary woman. A wife, a mother. She simply responded from her heart.

“Because I don’t want you to”.

Oh my goodness!

I was haunted by that news story. The woman, and the man who credits her with saving his life, were reunited in the interview as they re-told the story from their own perspectives.

The man said he felt heard for the first time in ages. Even though he had no idea who this woman was, it mattered to him that she did not want him to pull that trigger. He was pulled in by her presence.

From her perspective, she was stunned. What on earth else could she have said? She answered initially, she says, purely selfishly. The last thing she wanted was to hear that gun go off. It terrified her.

They had spoken for nearly an hour. She began to understand the man’s pain. He began to trust her with his story. After time, the man had allowed her to take his real name and address. She had kept him on hold, gone to the neighbour’s house and asked them to call the police to attend to a suicidal man (this was long before cell phones). The woman was on the phone when the police arrived. The man received help. He was now still alive, and gratefully so.

I was stunned.

What would I have said?

This story is what ignited my passion for figuring out how to be with another human being, no matter what they felt. I wanted to never feel stuck or tongue-tied in the face of another’s pain. I started volunteering for the then King County Crisis Clinic ; amongst many skills I learned how to handle suicidal callers and eventually I co-taught that component of our training. I went on to get a Masters in psychology at Seattle University and the rest, as they say, “Is history”!

Fast forward about thirty years. It’s a beautiful autumnal post-Easter morning here in Auckland. Back to work after a lovely 4 day Easter break. And there in my in-box was this message:

I never would have imagined in a million years he’d take his own life, but that’s exactly what he did…. After he left Iceland and went home to the UK to be with his mom and family for the holidays. I really have no details on how or why, but he did leave some letters, I assume for his family.

And so I heard that my most itinerant friend “Sketch” (Simon Ellis) had taken his own life.

I met Sketch in Costa Rica in the summer of 2010 – we’d stayed at the same small hostel and I’d been fascinated by his travels. He’d been on the road for over a year back then and had no end-date in mind. Managed his life and finances to live lightly. Last I heard he was leaving Iceland mid-December.

As far as I knew, Sketch was healthy, utterly alive, zesty, planning, adventuring, staying connected. And now poof. Proving once again, you never know what another human being is dealing with. Did I miss something in his letters? Was he running away from something? Could I have been more aware and helpful?

In memory of Sketch, I’m dedicating this week’s blog posts to suicide. Not sure how things will evolve, but I plan to cover at least these issues, and maybe more: