Author Archives: gemmautting

About gemmautting

A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I specialize in pre-marital preparation and relationship repair. A committed, long-term relationship is going to call you into places of deep personal awareness and growth like nothing else can. Learning how to allow this, how to respond without defensiveness and how to gracefully expand into the best possible version of yourself - whether before you say "I do" - is my joy and life's work.

Kaizen

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The tag line for this website – cultivating great relationships with family, friends and self – comes close to expressing what I offer. But I guess much depends upon one’s definition of “cultivating”.

I love these definitions from The Free Dictionary . Cultivating is to ~

Improve and prepare (land), as by plowing or fertilizing, for raising crops; till.
Loosen or dig soil around (growing plants).
Grow or tend (a plant or crop).
Promote the growth of (a biological culture).
Nurture; foster.
Form and refine, as by education.
Seek the acquaintance or goodwill of; make friends with.

This implies that together my clients and I seek to ~

Improve the context of their lives (plow the land);
Soften any rigidity in the Self (loosening the soil);
Introduce new ideas (plant new seeds);
Promote new habits (water and feed and weed those seeds);
Provide support (nurture the growth);
Care and fuss a bit (take pride in and monitor growth);
Teach new skills (introduce new ideas);
Grow together (befriend one another).

These are good. In my role as relationship therapist / couples counselor / coach I do all these things.

And, I want to add a nuance I’ve come to appreciate in my own life. That of Kaizen. Literally this is a Japanese word meaning “good change”. However, it has become the embodiment of a philosophy for Japanese business meaning “continuous small improvements.” It’s deliciously non-Western since there can be no arriving at perfection. No end-point. No noun. Only the verb – to improve. Only process.

Like my mother before a dinner party. She’d have everything looking perfect (to my eyes) about an hour before guests would be due. And then she’d kick-in to her own Kaizen space. She’d move slowly through the house since, by now, she’d look like a million dollars with the hair just so, the heels and jewelry on – not a time for rushing. With great elegance, and a slowness bordering on contemplation, she’d touch up the house. Picture frames would be gently swiped with a soft cotton cloth. The shiny-with-age loose-covers on our ancient wing-back chairs would be smoothed once more. The piano bench would be snuggled up into the piano. The cushions would be tenderly plumped. The enormous vase of flowers in our entry hall would be turned, ever so slightly, to showcase the prettiest bloom.

It drove me nuts!

As a child I thought “Shoot me now! If my life ever diminishes to the care and nurturing of loose covers and picture-frame-dust-management just put me out of my misery. There’s gotta be more!”

Now – ah age! – I see it as a prayer. As a nod toward the idea that each one of us, each day, has a little dust to brush off, a little tightness to smooth, a little plumping-up here and there, a stunning flower to showcase. It’s love-as-verb, in miniature.

Now, as my clients and I cultivate great relationships (with family, friends and self), I’m noticing that it can be the smallest moves – the gentler tone; a squeeze of the hand; a quieting of the inner critic; a heartfelt “Thanks Honey!”; the choice to listen not speak – these continuous small improvements we practice in our relationships, which bear the tastiest fruits.

What Matters Now

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I’m in the change business.

I’m guessing you are too, or you’d not be investing time here.

I wonder if you’ve also noticed, as I am increasingly, that there’s a very fine line between working on oneself and working on the greater good? Chicken and egg, right? To the extent I learn to manage my anxiety, calm my temper, or deepen my awareness I know others benefit. And, to the extent I share a smile with a scary-looking stranger, comfort a crying child who has been bullied, or work wonders facilitating a meeting, I know I benefit as well.

So, in the spirit of chicken and egg, I’m sharing a wonderful new resource I discovered today thanks to Seth Godin, who writes:

Now, more than ever, we need a different way of thinking, a useful way to focus and the energy to turn the game around. I hope a new ebook I’ve organized will get you started on that path. It took months, but I think you’ll find it worth the effort. (Download here).

Here are more than seventy big thinkers, each sharing an idea for you to think about as we head into the new year. From bestselling author Elizabeth Gilbert to brilliant tech thinker Kevin Kelly, from publisher Tim O’Reilly to radio host Dave Ramsey, there are some important people riffing about important ideas here. The ebook includes Tom Peters, Fred Wilson, Jackie Huba and Jason Fried, along with Gina Trapani, Bill Taylor and Alan Webber.

Check it out here ~ What Matters Now [it might take a moment to download]

As Seth encourages us to do, please feel free to share.

Getting Unstuck

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Dear Readers,

I’m back.

For four blissful weeks I was visiting friends and family back in Idaho, Oregon and Washington State (USA). Since May 20^th however, I’ve been back in New Zealand stuck in the Mire. Stuck good and tight. Mute. Helpless. With nothing to say.

However, as life deliciously often does, I was thrown a lifeline in the form of a client who was also stuck. We get to teach that which we must learn.

So, now I’m unstuck. Back on the page, communing with you with enormous joy and I figured I’d share my teaching about getting unstuck. I’ve boiled it down to six steps. (I love steps….as if you’ve not noticed that about my little teachings by now!) But hey – I’ve seen nothing quite like this and I have to say, it works. Not just for me and my client of this past couple of weeks. But for others upon whom I’ve tried versions of this before. I’d love to hear your feedback if you try this too. So – here goes.

Step 1 ~ EXPLORE STUCK

OK – so you’re stuck. What kind of stuck? While being stuck usually means you’re not doing something you wish you’d do, as long as you’re alive, you are actually doing something else instead. So, get curious about what you are doing. Could be something like this:

I’m spinning my wheels not writing
I’m hanging on to this old relationship
I’m too cuddly for my own good
I’m parked in this dead-end job
I’m overly accommodating to my overbearing boss

Step 2 ~ APPRECIATE STUCK

Counter-intuitive maybe, but we tend to do things because they work for us in some way. Look at what you noticed you are doing in this place of stuck, and ask yourself,

“How is this benefiting me?”

I’m spinning my wheels not writing, which is actually giving me a chance to turn over some new ideas and examine what it is I want to say next.
I’m hanging on to this old relationship, which means I don’t have to be alone on weekend nights and I have someone to go to parties with.
I’m too cuddly for my own good, and I get to enjoy being the Bon Vivant everyone knows me to be, pooh-poohing those skinny Minnies and living wholeheartedly.
I’m parked in this dead-end job, which I can do with my eyes shut so all my creative juice is pent-up and ready for my music when I come home.
I’m overly accommodating to my overbearing boss and she really likes me and I never get into those power struggles I see the others enduring.

Step 3 ~ EXPLORE UNSTUCK

You’ve uncovered the judgment about stuck (Step 1) and the benefits of being stuck (Step 2) so now it’s time to explore what life would be like if you were not stuck.

If I stopped spinning my wheels not writing, I’d be back in the service game, adding content to my Blog and providing useful resources for clients and readers.
If I stopped hanging on to this old relationship, I’d discover more about myself — my feelings, needs, anxieties and desires now, after this stressful 3 year on again / off-again relationship.
If I stopped being too cuddly for my own good, I’d listen to this emerging new me who loves food and parties as much as anyone, but who wants to be slim and healthy as well.
If I stopped being parked in this dead-end job, I’d take that risk to work in the music world.
If I stopped accommodating my overbearing boss, I could practice being assertive and work toward a promotion out from under this boss.

Step 4 ~ MEET THE TWO YOUS

You have now identified two inner voices – right?

Inner voice #1 (let’s call this person Fearful Self) is all too familiar with the safest path and fully understands (indeed, advocates for) the advantages of being stuck. Inner voice #2 (let’s call this Wholehearted Self) sees (and advocates for) the bigger picture that would unfold with becoming unstuck.

These voices uncover the very real possibility that you have two selves. Two ways of being. Each version of you is lovable and perfect in its own way, but they promote different paths simultaneously.

And this is a problem.

The road ahead Ys and you are trying to make forward progress down both arms of the Y at the same time. Fearful Self is pulling you toward the safe path. Wholehearted Self is pulling you toward the wide new horizon… meanwhile you’ve stopped in at the agreeable pub on the corner to duke it out.

(Thanks to Steve Reed from whom I adopted this photo)

Step 5 ~ CHOOSE

Let’s just track back to reality, shall we.

You’re stuck.

You’ve had the guts to name it (Step 1)

You’ve had the insight to see why being stuck feels good (Step 2)

You’ve had the wisdom to see why getting unstuck is so appealing (Step 3)

You’ve identified that you have mixed feelings, two voices, two yous with valid opinions. (Step 4)

So?

How you get unstuck is to climb up on a platform above your debating selves and choose a winner.

Right there in the pub – as you knock back another “for the road” – you get to decide whose view of the future you are ready for.

And the way to decide is simple.

You’ll know when you answer the following question.

Which “me” do I want to be right now?

Do I want to be Fearful Self who plays a small, safe, easy, low stress but wickedly constricting game?

Or do I want to be Wholehearted Self, who is ready to expand, to play a bigger game, to bust out of dodge and show up with your whole united, brave, courageous self?

Step 6 ~ BE KIND

It may seem as though I have scripted this as though there is a right answer: Wholehearted Self ought to “win” right?

But here’s the magic of this approach.

This is not always true.

When you do yourself the favour of really listening to yourself, you’ll know where you are in your own process. There is a time for fallow. For stuck.

And when you are ready to allow Wholehearted Self to take the reins, you’ll do so whilst simultaneously comforting Fearful Self. You’ll have met with your shadow, bought him/her a drink, acknowledged the fears, mitigated the pitfalls.

Now, when Wholehearted Self announces it is time to show up, your two selves will link arms and stride down the path toward the bold new horizons, taking comfort in the understanding, union and determination. And when that happens – world watch out!

Dating~How to call it quits

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By it’s very nature dating is a temporary state. When was the last time you saw a greetings card for “Congratulations on 17 Years of Dating!”

You see her across the Bistro. He invites you for coffee. Maybe you go running together. Then dinner. Maybe a weekend away. By and by you decide not to date other people. You’re in that “I like what I see. I’d like to keep the competition at bay while we have a chance to see where this leads. Will we find more and more in common, get closer and find it easy to be with and talk to one another, or will we stall out in stagnant-ville, or will we lurch into a nasty, belittling downward spiral of misery, pain and suffering?”

You have no idea at the get-go. That’s why you date. You’re dipping your toes into the relationship. At some point you’ll decide to go fully in or fully out in which case you’ll need to make a transition out of dating and into:

Long term commitment (see NOTE below)
“Mutually-Ex” ~ either you know from the start that the relationship has a built-in expiration date due to other life circumstances –e.g., finishing college, distant graduate schools, work overseas, military service, etc; or you both agree it’s time to move on and part ways amicably.
“Unhappily-Ex” ~ when only one party wants to end the relationship.

This article is for those facing Option #3. You’re dating but feel the relationship is not right long-term. You want to end it. But how?

Obviously there are dreadfully heart-wrenching breakups (which perchance can be lucrative if you channel that pain – think Taylor Swift, Adele or indeed any one of the writers of the 50 greatest breakup songs of all time). But there can be breakups which are dignified-if-bittersweet. Endings which are firm-but-gentle, with a genuine nod to what “might have been”, and an acknowledgment of good-times-shared and lessons-learned, even as you guide your soon-to-be “Ex” through the transition from “main squeeze” to “former squeeze”.

As a relationship therapist I’ve come to understand 3 important truths which may help you here – as you contemplate your farewell:

You have 100% control over how you behave in this transition
You have ZERO control over how your soon-to-be Ex behaves
Having compassion both for yourself, and your friend, makes a huge difference

When you bring a relationship to a close with compassion, you’ll be able to see ~

You are both good folks
You’ve probably both been bruised a bit by life
You’ve probably both said and done dumb things
Dating is dating – it’s OK to move on if you want to
This is an opportunity for some good learning
Learning is a choice not everybody makes
Bitterness, blame, vengeance and anger hurt the person who feels them way more than the person toward whom these emotions are directed
You will always have what you two had – the good, bad and ugly
You are now simply this person + these experiences

So, practically speaking, how does one break up?

The Five Stages of a Principled Break Up

You begin to have doubts
You try to fix things
You realize it’s not going to work
You declare it’s over to your partner
You learn, heal and try again

Let’s break it down.

1. You begin to have doubts

Whether it’s her habits or his disorganization; the way you fight or your differing loyalties to families-of-origin; her ambition for med school or his desire to take his bagpipes and busk through Europe, but somewhere along one sunny afternoon you’ll be visited by an inkling of “I’m not sure this will work.” Some intuitive, gut-clenching, heart pounding, sad dawning will flutter across your consciousness and you’ll find yourself seeing your sweetie in a new, less certain, light. You’ll feel suddenly alone. A chasm of possible mis-match has thrust its way between you and now, for the first time, you experience some doubt.

Compassion Point: When you are first in love you see your partner through rose-tinted specs. As your love matures you’ll encounter genuine power struggles as you each need to get back in touch with who you are in this relationship. Doubt is common as this stage. It’s normal.

2. You try to fix things

This is where your relationship goes through some heavy lifting. Hopefully you’ll have the awareness to begin to name the differences you notice and discuss them. This can open up a rat’s nest of course, since discussing differences is tough even for seasoned couples. But you’ll notice one of 2 things: your discussions will bring you closer or drive a wedge between you. Pay attention to which it is.

It is very typical for dating couples to cycle through a Beatles’ play list:

Faith “All you need is love”
Doubt “We Can Work It Out”
Hope “Oh Darling”

Repeat . . .until you’ve become jaded by the cycle and “Yesterday” becomes your background theme tune more often than not.

Compassion Point: All couples go through this cycle. You are going along. You bump into some differences. You try to figure them out. You muddle through. Until the next time. You go around again. If, however, you begin to feel like you’re trapped in a situation you can’t improve, or your differences mostly lead to painful fights which are driving a wedge between, you’ll need professional help, or to move on.

3. You realize it’s not going to work

Professional help failed, or you know your paths are leading to different horizons and you’ve come to the conclusion it’s time to move on. This post on “When to call it quits” might be helpful here. This can be a lonely time. For some couples it can be helpful to have an honest conversation about how you feel, at this stage. Your partner might be relieved, admit to the same realization and you can shift to parting more or less amicably. If there is a chance this could be a mutual parting, then some sort of conversation about “How do things feel to you? Are you hopeful we’ll pull through these differences, or not so much?”

Or, you may know that your partner is much more committed than you are and you’ll have to take charge of the transition. If you are to make Stage 4 successful (when you tell your partner you are leaving the relationship) you need to do your homework here.

Ask yourself the following questions (because your partner is going to ask you)

What do you feel for your partner?
What emotional needs are not being met?
Have you tried to get these needs met with your partner?
What is causing you to give up on the relationship?
Why now?
Is there anything your partner could do that would make enough of a difference that you’d stay?

Compassion Point: As you answer these questions, keep your focus on YOU – your feelings, your needs. These are not up for discussion and cannot be dismissed even by a potentially angry or grieving partner.

4. You declare it’s over to your partner

When you know you are through; you’ve tried and tried again; and you’ve done your homework (above) it’s time to tell your partner, firmly but gently, that you are moving on. The following tips might help.

Call and ask to have some time one morning / afternoon / evening.
Go to their home – in this way you have control over your departure and they do not have to drive.
Let them know you’ve come to a decision and want to let them know.
Keep your opening statement simple: “Mary, we’ve been dating for 2 years now. I’ve loved getting to know you and the fun times we’ve had. However, these past 9 months of fighting and name-calling and drama have been pretty tough. The way we are together isn’t good for either of us. We’ve both tried – I know that. But I’ve come to the decision that I need to move on. I’ve come to say goodbye.”
Be prepared for all sorts of possible responses – anger, pain, tears, shouting, a speedy invitation to “get out and never come back” – you can imagine how your partner might react.

If your partner behaves badly ~ lashing out with verbal, physical or emotional abuse, take your leave quickly. Let them know if they want to have a more reasonable goodbye later, you’d be open to that. But for now protect yourself and leave calmly. Do your very best not to get caught up in more drama – this is why you are moving on.

If your partner becomes unglued ~ and you fear for his or her emotional stability, let them know you are worried about them and you’ll be calling in their friend (helps if you know someone who cares for your ex whom you can call). Leave them with this person for comfort – not you.

If your partner behaves well ~ and the two of you can process your relationship’s evolution – wonderful. Have the conversation. A great deal of healing can come as the two of you sit together, side by side, and mourn what was.

Compassion Point: Given the sudden quality of this news, your partner will be plunged into a shocked, reactive state. They will not be at their best. They need you to be the adult – so be one.

DO NOT ~

Go back and forth, “OK, you want me to stay through your exams?”
Cultivate dependence of any sort – it’s only good for your ego, not their Self-hood;
Forget that your partner was successfully single before they met you and will be successfully single after you as well;
Bad-mouth your “Ex” to others;
Agree to lingering connections that feel sticky like “We’ll still swap cars next Thursday right?” “Will you still feed my cat? Come to my performance? Celebrate my parents’ wedding anniversary-they do love you! Attend cousin Chloe’s wedding, we’ve already accepted!” Those arrangements were for you as “date” not you as “Ex”. Your “Ex” needs to know they can survive without you more than they need you at these events. Honestly.

If you are living together, things are more complicated certainly – you’ve got to deal with your shared living space, possessions, pets, and finances. However, all the work you’ve done to become clear about your decision will be the same.

5. You learn, heal and try again

You may be in considerable pain, even though it was your decision to move on. You are likely to feel a whole bucket full of complex emotions – guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, anger, loss, frustration, relief, excitement, sorrow. Trite as it sounds, let it be. Let the feelings wash over you.

Undertake a deliberate course of self-care ~

Start a blog / journal
Take up a new sport
Consider martial arts
Take a class – Japanese cooking, singing, French, archery
Get into nature
If necessary, schedule one or two sessions with a relationship therapist to process what you’ve learned

Let yourself rebuild trust in the idea that relationships can be happy, equally satisfying, nurturing and positive. Start gently though and definitely wait a few months before “going steady” with someone again.

Compassion Point: If you find you are telling yourself a story that is filled with how dreadful your “Ex” is and what a victim you were, see if you can change that story. As long as you are Victim in one story it’s hard to be Heroic in another. Work to understand what you were responsible for in your old relationship. If you avoid this introspection, you may find yourself getting a chance to re-learn that lesson next time around.

NOTE (from beginning of Blog)

Obviously “Happily Ever After” belongs in story books. Just because someone makes a transition from dating to long-term-commitment does not mean the relationship is – as they say in New Zealand – “done and dusted.” These fizzle half the time as well. But working through the breakup/divorce of a long-term committed partnership is a tiger of a different stripe. Maybe for another blog mini-series.

Dating~When to call it quits

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Twelve Questions to ask yourself if you’re wondering whether you are dating the right person

Show up honestly to these twelve questions and really listen to your answers. If you are still not sure, seek a few sessions with a good relationship therapist since possibly some family-of-origin ghosts are getting in your way.

1. Do you like who you are in this relationship?

2. Think of someone who loves you very much (parent, sibling, grandparent, coach, your child…) would they think this was the best you could do relationship-wise? If not, what’s getting in the way of that?

3. Are you growing in a way you like, or stuck in a place you dislike?

4. After a fight, can you get back together and talk about what the real issues were until you each understand what precisely each of you was upset about? In other words, do your fights bring you closer or build a wedge between you? *(see NOTE below)

5. Is there a healthy balance of give and take? If any of these statements are true, read number #6

“I show my love by fixing my sweetie’s problems.”
“My sweetie is just going through a rough patch.”
“Love is all about giving.”
“I’m sure my turn to receive will come.”

6. Do you know the difference between healthy helping & enabling helping? Healthy helping is stepping in when someone really can’t manage on their own, like driving someone to the hospital when they are sick. Enabling helping is preventing someone from experiencing the consequences of their own behavior or choices, like endlessly listening to your friend kvetch and complain about how much they hate their life – so you run around endlessly trying to make the edges better – when actually, your friend needs to make some drastic changes.

7. When you think about yourself 3 years out – do you feel excited at the thought you’ll still be with this person, or poundingly depressed?

8. Do you know, in your heart of hearts, you need to move on, but can’t bear the pain this might cause the other? If so, read #9.

9. As a parent, will you let your kid’s teeth rot in their heads rather than expose them to the dentist? Will you continue to enable this person to live a lie? If they’d be devastated by you moving on, they must think you love them more than you do. Respect them enough to tell your own truth. You will both be the better for it.

10. Are you stuck because you made some dumb decisions that have you all muddled up financially – like buying something big together (house, car, boat, time payments on a costly trip?) If yes, see #11.

11. Debt together is different from life together. Grow up, get out the spread sheets and talk to a lawyer if you need to get some teeth into independent repayment plans for these once joint financial commitments. You get to enjoy the consequences of your action which means you won’t make this mistake again – right?

12. Do you keep circling around to “But I love him/her?” Love is so much more than a fuzzy feeling. It’s a verb in the most life-affirming sense. Love is a crucible for growth like no other. If – despite your fuzzy, lovey-dovey, achingly addictive feeling – you can also check these boxes…

It brings out the best in each of you;
Your friends and family see you expand in confidence;
You care enough to drill down to understand your differences;
You willingly try on new ways of being;
You allow one another to take risks and to comfort one another when you fall – you don’t wrap each other up in cotton wool and hide;
You savor the moment and feel optimistic about the future;
Your expression of love and your experience of love are fully congruent;
You can show up wholeheartedly and truthfully;
As a team you are more powerful than you were as two individuals;
Your love is emotional (and chemical) yes, but also born of intellect (you’ve thought this through) and spirit (you choose to grow within this co-created crucible) and flesh (you willingly surrender your precious body into those arms for cherishing);

. . . why then, you might be on to something very valuable.

*NOTE ~ While the content of each fight can vary, the values you each hold that might have been compromised are often the same ones. So, if you can’t figure out what the real issue is now – before you make a long-term commitment – it’s like jumping into a swimming pool with alligators in. If you know there are there – better to get them out first.

Coming: Dating~How to call it quits

POST ~ My Gifts

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Practice One Small Thing (POST)

Loving Myself #1 ~ My Gifts

Too many words .

My “only 500 word blog posts, I promise” have crept up.

My excuse? Some of these topics have demanded some serious space.

Narcissism
Suicide
Communication
Talking to kids

These have deserved some depth. So, what to do to provide readers with ~

shorter posts
practical content
actionable tips
in areas of potential interest, i.e., relationship focused

. . . whilst I’m on the road?

Ah – I have to mention the “on the road” bit. My husband Mark, our daughter Mona and I will be leaving New Zealand on April 19th to spend a month back in the United States to celebrate our son’s graduation from the University of Willamette . Hooray for him! So, I’ll be posting less regularly.

I’ll also be swept up into a deliciously hectic series of events and even though I’m expecting to be very happy, I know myself well enough to remember it will help me to have some sort of grounding practice: writing, planning, thinking, – a focus for my thoughts. A possible win-win is this idea. A series short, tight POSTS – Practicing One Small Thing – to forward my overall theme of “Cultivating great relationships with family, friends and self” which I’ll create for my own focus, and then share with you here.

I’ll post 3 times a week, with one idea each time so that, if it seems to serve, you might try one of them as well to deepen your relationship with ~

Yourself – see the topic Loving Myself
Your family — see the topic Loving My Family
Your friends – see the topic Loving My Friends

OK – for the first sample lets start with loving ourselves:

Today’s POST ~ Enjoying My Gifts

We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.

Mary Dunbar

Right now, just to yourself, name 3 things you know you are good at that you also love to do. If you’re a good hydrogeologist but it’s not what really floats your boat, then don’t claim that. If you’re a good singer/songwriter (even if you’re not Roger McGuinn) and you love it – then go ahead and claim singer/songwriter as a Gift. (Yes Mark – I’m looking at you!)

Go on – risk it.

For me – really quickly, no thinking, no editing?

Generating ideas
Connecting with people
Writing

And for you?

Baking?
Fixing things?
Creating order?
Listening?
Creating Community?
Making connections?
Design?
Playing guitar?
Drawing?
Juggling?

OK – got your 3 things?

PRACTICE ONE SMALL THING

Today – commit to being consciously engaged in one of your gifts. Maybe you use your Gift all the time like my friend Richard who’s gifted with a design-eye and works as an architect. OK, so today, swim around a bit in the ease and joy design can bring. Maybe it’s been hard for you to get time for expressing your gifts today – let yourself have a few minutes for YOU.

As you do so, notice how good you feel.

Just play in the garden of your own delight.

It is enough!

(It’s no coincidence I write a blog now is it – I LOVE writing!)

Suicide Survivor

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When someone you know and love deliberately ends their own life you get a free, lifetime membership into the not-so-very-exclusive “SOS Club” club. Comes with this fine label too: you are now forever a Survivor Of Suicide, or a “suicide survivor.”

If you lose someone to death by natural causes, or even if your loved one is murdered, you’re not called a “someone-murdered survivor” or a “death-by-natural-causes survivor.” Only suicide brings with it such a complicated mourning, and the following bewildering array of emotions:

“Shock is often the immediate reaction to suicide, along with a physical and emotional numbness. These are the ways of temporarily screening out the pain so that it can be experienced in smaller, more manageable steps.
Depression may appear as disturbed sleep, fatigue, inability to concentrate, change in appetite, and the feeling that nothing can make life worth living.
Anger may be part of the grief response, whether directed towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or oneself.
Relief may be a part of the reaction when the suicide followed a long decline into self-destructive behavior and mental anguish.
Guilt often surfaces as the feeling, “If only I had done.”, “If only I had said or not said.”
Why? Many survivors struggle long and hard with this question”

Taken from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Possibly because so many people kill themselves (twice as many as are murdered in many countries) and possibly because the rule-of-thumb wisdom is that each death impacts at least 6 other people deeply, (which gives us almost a quarter million new “suicide survivors” a year in the USA and 3 to 4 thousand new suicide survivors in New Zealand) there is a lot of very helpful information already published on the web.

Downloadable right here [ SOS_handbook ] is the Handbook of Survivors of Suicides, a wonderful small booklet, written by Jeffrey Jackson, and published by the American Association of Suicidology. I quote from the beginning:

This is a book for people who have lost a loved one to suicide, written by someone who has suffered the same loss. I lost my wife, Gail, to suicide several years ago. She was 33 when she took a deliberate overdose of pills.

And downloadable right here is [ Surviving a Suicide Loss-resource_healing_guide ] , published by the American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide. The following words are from the front page:

We encourage survivors to gather, to remember, to speak aloud the precious names of those lost to suicide. You are in a safe place with those who understand. If you are very new to the tragedy of suicide loss, despair may be your companion. We hope you find some time to rest your burden and share it with those of us who need no explanation. There is no map on this path to becoming whole. It is the most painful of journeys — full of twists and turns, bruised hearts and misunderstandings. Small wonders appear on this path but we may be too sore or fragile to recognize them. But there will be a day when you can look back and know that they were there. We share your loneliness. We share your sorrow. We share your questions. We honor those we love who have been lost to suicide. May the radiance and beauty of their lives never be defined by their deaths.
Survivors are the most courageous people we know. Be well, be peaceful, be hopeful.

Resources for those in New Zealand

For The Newly Bereaved After Suicide

Support Groups around New Zealand for people bereaved by suicide

Resources for those in United States

American Foundation for the Prevention of Suicide

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is the nation’s leading organization bringing together people across communities and backgrounds to understand and prevent suicide, and to help heal the pain it causes. Individuals, families, and communities who have been personally touched by suicide are the moving force behind everything we do.
We strive for a world that is free of suicide.
We support research, because understanding the causes of suicide is vital to saving lives.
We educate others in order to foster understanding and inspire action.
We offer a caring community to those who have lost someone they love to suicide, or who are struggling with thoughts of suicide themselves.
We advocate to ensure that federal, state, and local governments do all they can to prevent suicide, and to support and care for those at risk.

The American Association of Suicidology whose mission is to:

Advance Suicidology as a science; encouraging, developing and disseminating scholarly work in suicidology.
Encourage the development and application of strategies that reduce the incidence and prevalence of suicidal behaviors.
Compile, develop, evaluate and disseminate accurate information about suicidal behaviors to the public.
Foster the highest possible quality of suicide prevention, intervention and postvention to the public.
Publicize official AAS positions on issues of public policy relating to suicide.
Promote research and training in suicidology.

Thanks for visiting. You can find the the rest of this mini-series on suicide here:

Part 1 – “The woman who helped” in “I’ve got a loaded gun . . .”
Part 2 – Who’s at Risk?
Part 3 – Suicidal Friend?
Part 4 – Suicide Survivor.

Suicidal Friend?

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If you know someone who may be talking about taking their own life – read on.

This article is part 3 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, inspired by the recent loss of a dear friend – Simon “Sketch” Ellis – who took his own life in early 2013. This piece is dedicated to friends out there all over the world who might – one day – have the opportunity to help someone they know and love to make a different choice.

Given that for every murder you hear about in the news, there are 2 to 3 successful suicides, a suicidal friend might be much closer than you think.

If you’re worried about a friend, pay attention to ~

THEIR WORDS:

“Nothing brings me pleasure any more.”
“You’d all be better off without me.”
“Life’s pretty pointless.”
“I’m in so much pain.”
“I can’t face another Christmas like this.”
“It’s too late – I’ve nothing to live for.”
“Nobody understands.”

THEIR ACTIONS:

Have they given loads of stuff away lately?
Have they bought something expensive like a boat even when facing financial hardship?
Do they have wild mood swings from very low to very manic?
Are they overdoing drugs or alcohol?
Are they reading about suicide?
Are they hoarding pills or buying weapons?

THEIR HISTORY:

Have they ever attempted suicide before?
Have they just ended a close relationship?
Have they lost a loved one to suicide?
Have they had a recent “bad-news” medical diagnosis?
Have they been recently discharged from hospital?
Have they been recently discharged from prison?
Have they been through a painful, ugly divorce?
Has someone close to them just died?
Have they recently been in a war zone?
Have they been bullied?
Have they recently “come out” as LGBT and been met with hostility?

Any one of these alone isn’t enough to lead a person to suicide, but if you begin to connect the dots and have some inkling your friend is in deep emotional pain,

REMEMBER THESE 3 THINGS

Very few people are 100% committed to ending their life. This means they will have mixed feelings: part of them just wants to end the pain, but part of them is scanning for any signs of hope and help. You’ll be speaking directly to that part of them that wants to live.
Talking about suicide does not make someone suicidal.
You won’t get this wrong if you care.

WHAT TO SAY

Part 1 – Connect

Ask for some time with your friend.
Share what you’ve noticed (see the indicators or clues above).
Let them know you are concerned.
Ask them what’s going on.
Listen very carefully.

Part 2 – Understand

Work to understand all the things troubling your friend.
When you think he or she has said everything, ask “What else is troubling you”?
Stay warm, empathic and attentive.

Part 3 – Ask the 5 Questions

If the list of painful feelings and events is getting pretty long and you can tell your friend feels overwhelmed, ask each of the five questions below, pausing between each question to listen to the answers:

“Are you thinking of killing yourself?”
“How do you plan to take your life?”
“Do you have what you need?”
“Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”
“What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Part 4 – How “LETHAL” [to themselves] is your friend?

If your friend answers “Yes – I have been thinking about suicide actually” notice how the answers to the next four questions will frame what you do next in terms of how LETHAL their plan is.

You ask “How do you plan to take your life?”

Low lethality response: “Well, you know, I wish I could just take a few too many pills one night.”
High lethality response: “I plan to shoot myself.”

You ask “Do you have what you need?”

Low lethality response: “I’ve got a few tramadol, but I guess I’d have to get a prescription for a whole lot more.”
High lethality response: “Yes, I have a loaded gun in my house.”

You ask “Have you ever tried before?” If so, when and how?”

Low lethality response: “Oh no – I’ve felt bad from time to time like this, but even though I talk about it – just as a way to feel like I could end the pain, you know – I’ve never tried anything.”
High lethality response: “Yes. Took an overdose 6 months ago – ended up getting my stomach pumped since I didn’t take enough and my wife found me. This time I’ll make sure I finish the job.”

You ask “What’s the hurry? Why now?”

Low lethality response: “I’m not sure why now – I’ve been slipping in to a lower and lower mood I guess, but come to think of it, I’d like to see my granddaughter’s Christmas play.”
High lethality response: “Well, tomorrow is the 5^th anniversary of my son’s death over in Afghanistan. I’ve never forgiven myself for pressuring him enlist. Told him he’d amount to nothing if he didn’t get some discipline. The wife left me over it. I told myself last year when she left me, that I couldn’t face that anniversary again.”

You get the picture right – the person who is thinking about maybe getting a prescription is not in the same urgency bracket at the second man – whose pain is exquisite, and whose means and timeframe are immediate.

If you are still not sure however, you can always ask

“On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is no way will you kill yourself any time soon and 10 is you don’t plan to see tomorrow, where are you?”

Part 5 – Take Action

Remember – you are talking to that part of this person who wants to believe there is hope for a future. Hope for the pain to pass. Even the broken father in the scenario above will have a small % of himself clinging to life.

If your friend’s plan is on the low lethality spectrum, let them know~

You are concerned.
You care about them and want them to find more happiness.
You know they have mixed feelings – part of them just wants to end the pain and part of them wants to believe life can be good again.
Ask them if they will commit to getting some help – seeing their local doctor, talking with family, meeting with you again, etc.

If your friend’s plan is on the high lethality spectrum, let them know~

You are very concerned.
Even though it seems as though they are hell-bent on ending their lives, let them know you know there is some small % of them that wants to live.
Tell them you are talking to that part – even if it is only 2% of them.
Tell that part you are taking them to the hospital right now.
On the way, brainstorm for the names of any other beings on the planet who might be devastated if this person killed themselves – grand-kids, spouse, children, siblings, dear friends, dog… hunt for whatever you can that will connect this person to life.
Remember – IF you’ve had this conversation it has clearly all been with the part of him or her who wants to live. If your friend wants to kill himself, he still can. Another day. Not on your watch.

Part 6 – Take Care of Yourself

Whether your friend is successfully helped and ends up living a happier life, or becomes one of the “successful” suicides, you’ll probably need to talk about this with someone yourself. By all means use the resources below to get some help.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

Avoid the following ~

“I know just what you mean.” You don’t, and it’s not about you just now.
“Don’t worry – things will all work out.” Again, you don’t know, so don’t lie.
“You do it then – just go ahead and kill yourself!” Bluffs won’t make you feel good when they are carried out.
“You’re so selfish to even consider suicide – you’ll just mess up your family.” Someone considering suicide is at the end of their rope, already strangled by guilt, and feeling un-entitled to pretty much even their next breath. Adding a guilt trip (however true this may be) will not help alleviate their mood of despair.
“But you have so much to live for!” Again, you are not talking to a resourceful, rational being here.

SUPPORT FOR FOLKS IN NEW ZEALAND

Lifeline: 0800 543 354
National Healthline 0800 611 116
Depression helpline: 0800 111 757
Youthline: 0800 376 633
Samaritans: 0800 726 666
Great web site for depressed teens

SUPPORT FOR FOLKS IN THE USA

Call us on 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

(I’ll add more as I find them – especially for the USA)

Other Articles in this Mini-Series

Part 1 – “The woman who helped” in “I’ve got a loaded gun . . .”
Part 2 – Who’s at Risk?
Part 3 – Suicidal Friend? (This article.)
Part 4 – Suicide Survivor

Suicide, who’s at risk?

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If you’ve stumbled upon this post, it’s part 2 of a 4-part mini-series on suicide, dedicated to a dear man, Simon “Sketch” Ellis, who spent over 20 years travelling the world, making friends as he went. Sketch ended his own life earlier this year and those of us left are wondering what drew him toward that decision. This post explores some of the facts about suicide, and draws attention to the risk factors that are most typically in play for someone who opts for death at their own hand. The final 2 posts offer suggestions for how to help a friend in need, (what to say, what not to say, how to think about your friend so you feel empowered to take action), and finally how to survive life after death, if you’ve lost a loved one to suicide.

First of all, if you are in crisis now, or if you know of someone who is, take action. It is the rare soul who is 100% committed to death (see April 2nd post). Intervention can help.

In Crisis Now?

In New Zealand call 0800 611 116 National Healthline

In United States call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

These lines are free, open all the time and available to anyone in need.

A few facts

In New Zealand in 2010 ,
of a total population of 4,367,700
522 people killed themselves
Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 11.9

In the United States in 2010
of a total population of 308,745,538.
38,000 killed themselves
Thus in 2010, the average suicides per 100,000 people = 12.3

Read by friends at Sketch’s Memorial

He was humble, kind, generous, and considerate. His positive energy permeated into the souls of us all. He followed his dreams. He led the most colorful life filled with challenges that he embraced with open arms. He travelled the world; saw places, experienced different cultures that would make the likes of David Palin and Richard Attenborough jealous! Unlike the great explorers, we read about in our history books, he did not come to take he came to give. His ability to communicate with every walk of life, the nomads in Mongolia, the one-eyed guard in DR Congo, the Pakistani patient in the hospital in Qatar, the Cambodian rice farmer to name a few, made him welcome everywhere. He radiated trust and kindness. He was never afraid of hard work. He was happiest getting his hands dirty to help others. He was the most giving person I have ever met.

Rebecca

Drilling into the data a bit more we learn that ~

Suicide is around the 10th leading cause of death
In most countries, women continue to attempt suicide more often than men
Men however, tend to be 4 times more successful
Firearms are the most common method of suicide in the USA for men
Suffocation (including hanging) and poisoning are the next most common methods
There is 1 suicide for every 25 attempts
The poor, minorities and disenfranchised kill themselves more often

In autopsies of those who commit suicide, US data discovered:

33.3% tested positive for alcohol
23% for antidepressants
20.8% for opiates, including heroin and prescription painkillers

Not only did you travel to all those many countries, cities, towns and villages… You helped make things better along the way, fighting against poachers, helping reintroduce rehabbed rhinos back into the wild, working with children just to name a few…. You always gave so much of yourself and asked for so little in return.

Suzanne Stafford, USA

What are the risk factors for suicide?

More than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have these risk factors ~

depression and other mental disorders, or a substance-abuse disorder (9 in 10 report this)
prior suicide attempt
family history of mental disorder or substance abuse
family history of suicide
family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
firearms in the home (used in more than half of suicides)
incarceration
exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.

And maybe this explains what happened to someone as vivid and vital as Sketch –

three out of four individuals who take their own life had a physical illness when they committed suicide.

Well Nomad, you wandered this earth living life to the full and I was lucky enough that our paths crossed in Hong Kong in 96 and we traveled on in 97 to Cambodia, laughing a lot and having an adventure. It was good to catch up with you again in Cambodia just over a year ago, just didn’t expect that your travel’s would end on this earth. I expect you’re up there with your pack on your back moving from star to star ‘cause that’s what you were like. It was a pleasure to have known you…happy travels on the other side.

Richard Williams

There’s so much yet to understand as our attitudes toward death-by-choice (including euthanasia) are pushed by the data. However, it’s important to remember that suicide is NOT a normal response to stress! Whilst the number of people suffering from depression, other mental illnesses and addictions is on the rise, “new research is showing that the risk for suicide is associated with changes in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters, including serotonin. Decreased levels of serotonin have been found in people with depression, impulsive disorders, and a history of suicide attempts, and in the brains of suicide victims“.

Coming:

What to do if a friend is suicidal?
Life after death (by suicide)

“I’ve got a loaded gun . . .

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. . . .it’s pointed at my head. Give me one good reason not to pull the trigger.”

“Because I don’t want you to.”

That’s all she said. Just, “Because I don’t want you to.”

I was in my late 20s when I heard this story on the BBC. A woman had answered her home phone one evening and on the other end of the line was this desperate man. Apparently he thought he was dialing his brother, whom he hated. Instead, the wrong number led him to a very calm, compassionate, ordinary woman. A wife, a mother. She simply responded from her heart.

“Because I don’t want you to”.

Oh my goodness!

I was haunted by that news story. The woman, and the man who credits her with saving his life, were reunited in the interview as they re-told the story from their own perspectives.

The man said he felt heard for the first time in ages. Even though he had no idea who this woman was, it mattered to him that she did not want him to pull that trigger. He was pulled in by her presence.

From her perspective, she was stunned. What on earth else could she have said? She answered initially, she says, purely selfishly. The last thing she wanted was to hear that gun go off. It terrified her.

They had spoken for nearly an hour. She began to understand the man’s pain. He began to trust her with his story. After time, the man had allowed her to take his real name and address. She had kept him on hold, gone to the neighbour’s house and asked them to call the police to attend to a suicidal man (this was long before cell phones). The woman was on the phone when the police arrived. The man received help. He was now still alive, and gratefully so.

I was stunned.

What would I have said?

This story is what ignited my passion for figuring out how to be with another human being, no matter what they felt. I wanted to never feel stuck or tongue-tied in the face of another’s pain. I started volunteering for the then King County Crisis Clinic ; amongst many skills I learned how to handle suicidal callers and eventually I co-taught that component of our training. I went on to get a Masters in psychology at Seattle University and the rest, as they say, “Is history”!

Fast forward about thirty years. It’s a beautiful autumnal post-Easter morning here in Auckland. Back to work after a lovely 4 day Easter break. And there in my in-box was this message:

I never would have imagined in a million years he’d take his own life, but that’s exactly what he did…. After he left Iceland and went home to the UK to be with his mom and family for the holidays. I really have no details on how or why, but he did leave some letters, I assume for his family.

And so I heard that my most itinerant friend “Sketch” (Simon Ellis) had taken his own life.

I met Sketch in Costa Rica in the summer of 2010 – we’d stayed at the same small hostel and I’d been fascinated by his travels. He’d been on the road for over a year back then and had no end-date in mind. Managed his life and finances to live lightly. Last I heard he was leaving Iceland mid-December.

As far as I knew, Sketch was healthy, utterly alive, zesty, planning, adventuring, staying connected. And now poof. Proving once again, you never know what another human being is dealing with. Did I miss something in his letters? Was he running away from something? Could I have been more aware and helpful?

In memory of Sketch, I’m dedicating this week’s blog posts to suicide. Not sure how things will evolve, but I plan to cover at least these issues, and maybe more: