Tag Archives: Psychology

$86,400 ~ A Day

Part 3 of 5 “Emotions 101.” Today we explore ~

You get $86,400 a day and you’re “Fine?” How about Astounded, Excited or Triumphant?

My friend Byron in Boise, Idaho (USA) told me of a way I can access $86,400 a day, for life. He sent me this gift right as I was writing this post about how to inspire folks to live a little. To discover inner states beyond “OK” and “Fine.” To be motivated to wake up and notice (and maybe sniff) the roses. He told me how I can access this gift today, even in the face of another ordinary, cereal-and-toast, off-to-work, home-again-too-late, TV-and-dinner-and-bed sort of day.

What a gift! So, I thought I’d share it with you.

It’s something to think about.

Imagine you have won the following prize in a contest:

Each morning your bank deposits $86,400.00 in your private account for your personal use. However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

Rule #1 ~ Everything you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away. You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.

Rule #2 ~ The bank can end the game without warning. At any time it can say, “Game over!” It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

How would you feel?

“OK?”

“Fine?”

Or maybe astonished at your luck; relieved at no-more-money-worries; eager to get out and spend; excited about the possibilities; anxious that the game may end without you fully participating; elated at the wanton generosity; longing to make things better for someone else; deeply compassionate for the wider world which now, perhaps, you can help.

Not sure you can find enough good words to describe your inner bliss? Click here ~ Parrott Emotions Tree 2001 ~ for a fabulous list of emotions you can easily sort through.

Wow – what a high!

You can imagine feeling so alive, so vibrant, so present as you take care of yourself, your family and those around you. You’d spend every cent every day since you couldn’t save it. You’d be quivering with the challenge and responsibility for how to make your daily investments of dollars.

What if I told you this was not a game, but reality.

To access your prize, just substitute “Time” for “Dollars”.

Each morning you wake up to another 86,400 seconds as a gift of life.

At the end of the day any unspent seconds will not be credited back to you. You’ll have the memories for how you invested your seconds yesterday. You’ll have the excitement of a whole new 86,400 coming tomorrow – you hope. But the living of these seconds – that’s your own wild and juicy ride.

What to do?

Notice you’re alive! Notice what words you’d use to describe how you feel in these seconds of alive. Are they variations on themes of love, joy, gratitude and surprise? If so, great. Get specific about how great you feel, pay attention to what helps get you to those states, and tomorrow – when you have your next 86,400 second installment – do these things some more.

Start spending!

PS: If you feel bad in the face of your 86,400 seconds see “I Feel So Bad”.

Tomorrow: “I feel like you should…” If this is how you’ve been talking about your feelings, it’s time to learn how to be more honest and effective.

Stomach Flu or Fear?

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Part 1 of 5 “Emotions 101.” Today we ask ~

“When my gut knots, how do I know if this is physical or emotional feedback?”*

Great question.

You feel a sudden knotting in your gut and it could be one of many things, right? A bad shrimp or gas? Possibly. But might it also be a twinge of anxiety, a pang of love, the rolling longing of loss or a wave of fear? Before we conclude whether it’s shrimp or sadness, let’s take a deeper look at emotions.

Simply put, emotions are feelings that identify distinct, shifting states of mind, like sorrow, anger and joy. In more complex terms, emotions are the response of a multitasking brain, which reads cues from the senses and cross-references these with thoughts from past experiences. A crude analogy? Emotions are to personality as weather is to climate.

Emotions may signal a change in our environment, a change within us or a change in both. These signals are generally fleeting in comparison to other states of mind. As a result, emotions are distinct from moods, which can last for hours, days or even weeks. They’re also distinct from personalities, the lifelong set of traits that comprise our individual, predictable reactions to situations

Thanks to Paul Ekman’s ongoing research since the 1950’s we know that humans (and other animals – see Bekoff Animal Emotions) share six universal emotions:

Disgust
Anger
Fear
Sadness
Surprize
Joy

In evolutionary terms, emotions are motivators.

DISGUST in the face of something gross stops us touching or eating it;
ANGER in the face of something threatening prepares us to fight or flee;
FEAR in the face of something potentially deadly inspires caution;
SADNESS in the face of loss promotes group cohesion;
SURPRIZE in the face of novelty indicates “warning, something outside our norm”;
JOY, laughter and a positive affect (whilst still not well understood) seem to provide a rationale for decision-making which promotes longevity.

Bottom line, learning to accurately recognize and express emotions – within our culture, community, family and primary love relationships – is key to our effective engagement in society.

So – back to the question, is this a stomach ache or an emotion? In this case, the answer may be “Both!” Emotions show up in the body to get attention. Ask yourself if it’s possible you have a medical reason for a stomach ache. If so, deal with it first, then check back. Still got that twinge? Sit quietly and ask yourself, “What do I feel?” Pay close attention to the thoughts, images and associations that come up. They’ll probably have your answers in the form of some feelings. You’ll need to be a bit of a sleuth if you’ve become better at hiding your emotions than feeling them. If you draw a blank, cut yourself some slack. It’s not surprising you may not know since neither schools nor society promote emotional intelligence. See if any of these popular avoidance techniques are familiar.

Rather than FEEL, do you ~

Numb out with too much food, alcohol, sex, drug use?
Distract with too much exercise, work, TV, reading, busy-ness, other compulsions?
Dismiss with too much intellectualizing, analyzing, superficial conversation?
Bury ‘em under righteousness masked as love and peace?

When you dodge – rather than feel – your feelings, you’ll experience ~

Fatigue
Depression
Meaninglessness
Being both bored and boring
Blowing up over minor incidents
Feeling tense, on edge, disconnected, unmotivated
Minimal love for yourself or others.

What to do?

Try this. Complete the following sentences:

If I did not [insert your current avoidance behaviours] , and instead just sat still for a while, maybe I’d feel _______________ [guess at a feeling here].
It makes me so mad when _________________ .
Last time I cried was when _________________ .
Last time I felt this pang of joy was when _______________ .
The one thing that totally disgusts me is ________________ .
The one thing I really want to do, but fear is stopping me is _______________ .
“It was such a surprize when _________________ .”

Now you see how you experience the six universal emotions. Great start. There are however over 600 words in English to describe emotions (and 42 face muscles to express them) so odds are good you have other feelings too.

If it is hard for you to find the words for your emotions right when you feel them, try some of these exercises.

Note any strong emotions you have for a month.
Keep a dream journal – what emotions are present there?
Try and be specific – if your sweetie asks “How are you?” check in with yourself and answer honestly.
Note intrusive memories and the feelings attached.
Talk with a friend, minister, counselor, therapist.
If you have Asberger’s Syndrome, here’s a great resource.

Tomorrow: Sad? Mad? How about Lonely, Wistful, Incensed, Ashamed? Dump the kindergarten terms for your complex internal maelstrom.

* I blew through my self-imposed 500 word limit – sorry! This article is 790.

Help Your Kid Show Anger

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Part 2 of 2 ~ Letter to a client about what to do when her child shouts “I hate you!”

from my A Client Writes* series

(Continued from Part 1 of 2, posted on 25 February, 2013)

Let’s continue the math teacher example to start with.
A thoughtful teacher would stay focused on helping Suzy learn something. She’d also not tell herself unhelpful stories about Suzy being too stubborn, stupid, or lazy to learn. She might have noticed that Suzy had the numbers right, but backwards, and say:

“Suzy, you think the answer is eighty-four. Can you come put those numbers up on the board for us?”
Suzy goes to the board and writes (correctly) 48, whilst saying “eighty-four”.
“Ah! You’ve got the maths right yes, the answer is forty-eight, but in your mind you see the eight coming before the four don’t you? So you shouted out eighty-four! Let’s you and me chat later about how to get the numbers in the right order in your head – that can be tough!”

Whole different ball game, right?

No self-defending, shaming, giving up on, or belittling her. Suzy is probably excited to know she has the basic maths right, even though she sees she has some work to do in not muddling the numbers up.

To the extent we parents can come at these issues calmly, like a good teacher, we can help our children become excited about, and competent in, their emotional intelligence.

Meanwhile, back at home, if you can see Alice’s “mistakes” as attempts to tell you about her emotions, you can respond like the thoughtful teacher. Here’s how this might look.
“Oh Alice, you have strong feelings about this! Do you feel ~ [guess what she might be feeling here]

irritated that I’m asking you to clear up now?
maybe frustrated, since you’re nearly done?
even resentful that grown-ups can stay up as long as they like on their projects?
and maybe a bit sad, because it’s not going quite the way you’d hoped and you’re not sure how you’ll fix it tomorrow?”

If you’ve got the feelings wrong she will correct you, or you can ask her ~ “Where am I right and where am I wrong? Help me understand what you are feeling.”

Let her know that when she says something like “I hate you!” she may well be mad at you, but you wonder if there is more. And because you care, you want to help her figure this out. Let her know most people don’t like to be told someone hates them but there is a way she can talk about her feelings that will help her gets her needs met in a way that makes friends, rather than in a way that makes enemies.

Maybe what Alice needs now, as she stops her project prematurely, is to make sure she sets aside some more time tomorrow to finish it up and maybe she needs better glue since things keep falling off (or whatever – you get the idea, right!).

Let me know how this goes and what you notice.

Warmly,

Gemma

Tomorrow: How to use Feelings to point toward Needs.

* My clients get much more than the typical “50 minute hour.” I’m on their team. I often write between sessions, and encourage regular texts and emails. In these intermittent “A Client Writes” postings, I share some tools and tips I’ve been asked about (after removing any identifying details of course). If you want some of this – let’s chat!