Category Archives: Personal Growth

How to become more effective in your own life

Use Feelings to Identify Needs.

If you’ve ever been curious about the connection between FEELINGS and NEEDS, try this.

QUESTION #1

Jot down what you’re feeling this moment. Reference anything – relationships, work, fitness, future plans. Whatever is alive for you right now – take a feelings inventory.

Need some prompts? Here are 16 common emotions, sorted as Negative and Positive.

NEGATIVE

Angry
Anxious
Afraid
Ashamed
Disconnected
Disgusted
Drained
Sad

POSITIVE

Confident
Connected
Engaged
Excited
Grateful
Peaceful
Happy
Surprized

OK – make your list.

Bet you noted more than one feeling! Here’s my list, right now:

Frustrated
Anxious
Jealous
Excited
Hopeful
Sad
Intrigued

“So what?”

Here’s the magic.

With Questions 2 and 3 I’ll show you how to use your feelings/emotions to help identify what you need in this moment, even though your conscious mind might be clueless.

QUESTION #2

Of the feelings you just identified, there’ll be some you’ll want to keep feeling. For me that’s excited, hopeful, intrigued and sad. I don’t mind sad. It motivates me to keep trying to make the world a better place. It’s an old friend.

The other feelings you possibly want to transform or not feel. For me that’s frustrated, anxious & jealous.

Take any one of the feelings you want to transform and ask ~

“What feeling would I prefer to have?”

Take my feeling of “frustrated” as an example.

Q ~ In the face of feeling frustrated, what feeling(s) would I prefer to have?

A ~ Flow, inspiration, audacity, faith, confidence

Nearly done – stay with me here. Soon you’ll be able to connect your feelings and needs in a flash, but I want to slow it down to show you how.

Now we’re ready for ~
QUESTION #3

Ask ~

“Now that I know I’m feeling ____________, and I’ve identified I’d rather be feeling ______________ , what do I need to get me there?”

For me this looks like ~

Now that I know I’m feeling frustrated, and I’ve identified I’d rather be feeling flow, inspiration, audacity, faith & confidence, what do I need to get me there?

Here’s my free-association response ~

I need to live audaciously. I need to do one thing out of my comfort zone each day. I need to take big, fat risks and stop hiding behind needing things to be perfect. I need to be OK with failure. I need to leave frustration because it is keeping me safely stuck!

Huh! My conscious mind did not know this. I was thinking caution, more research, more time, less risk. But apparently my emotional body has a whole other plan! I’ve moved from feeling vaguely upset and stuck in a project, to a forward momentum action plan. My feelings pointed me toward what I need. OK – now I’m intrigued to see what happens when I work with anxiety and jealousy!

Might this work for you?

How Relationships Offer Us Everyday Transformation

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Invited to contribute an article to my friend’s Doors of Transformation on-line magazine. You can link to it here http://thedoorsoftransformation.com/how-relationships-off-us-transformation/, or just read it below.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

Carl Jung

Once upon a time two travelers decided to leave the village and try their luck in a new environment.

Both were keen to visit a nearby town of interest so, seeking some advance information, they consulted the renowned sage of the area with their shared question:

“Tell us Oh Sage – what sort of community do you have there? What are the people like?”

“Of course I will tell you. But first, tell me if you will, can you describe the community you have just left? How did you find the people there? Why do you wish to leave them and venture afar now?”

The first traveler jumped in with a sigh. “Oh Sage – I have had a dreadful time of it which is why I am leaving – to seek my fortune amongst better folks. The people in the old town are mean spirited, cold hearted, not inclusive nor kind nor curious. They seem to look at me with nothing but contempt and judgment. I am desperate to put some distance between myself and that place!”

“Oh, I am so sorry!” said the Sage. “You will most certainly be disappointed here for they are all just like that!”

With a stamp of frustration the traveler turned and left in the opposite direction.

The second traveler was looking on in amazement. “Oh Sage!” he burst forth,

“but I have had such fortune there! I have laughed and loved and learned so much! I have been feasted and included in the day to day of many lives! I only leave now for sheer joy to see if the world is full of wonderful souls or whether these people are uniquely delightful!”

“Oh, I am so happy!” said the Sage. “You will most certainly not be disappointed here for they are all just like that!”

To the extent we are that first traveler, what can we learn from the second?

As Jung notes – when we allow ourselves to be touched by another we may be transformed. But in what way? Clearly all villages have their fill of fiends, fear mongers and frauds as well as sweethearts, sages and saints.

Why do some folks become cynical, disillusioned and hopeless while others seem to overflow with so much warmth, goodwill and kindness that these inner qualities transform any external situation – like a beam of light transforms the darkness?

The key, it seems to me, is to take control of the only things you can – your own heart and your own mind. Every encounter invites you to deepen your ability to be the second traveler.

“Ye s yes!” you say (with perhaps a hint of frustration).

“But you’ve not met my uncaring boss, nor my grouchy spouse, nor my defiant rude child; nor my back-stabbing friend, nor my narcissistic mother, nor my garrulous neighbor. Sometimes my day is one long dodge and weave session through land mines of other peoples’ emotional sludge!”

OK – fair enough. This is probably what the first traveler saw when he took stock of his unsatisfying day-to-day interactions. It may never have occurred to you to consider transforming these encounters. If you are like most of us, it would be more apt to say you alternate between tolerating, ignoring, getting angry with, giving helpful feedback to or having a drink to numb your feelings about – your boss, spouse, child, friend, mum and neighbor.

These are coping strategies – but you’re reading a magazine about transformation so clearly you want more.

Let’s go back to the key being your own heart and mind. Two of your most powerful muscles – OK technically the brain is an organ not a muscle, but it operates like a muscle to the extent it responds to exercise (try telling that to your kidneys). With your heart you can choose a different feeling. With your mind you can choose a different response.

Here are three ideas that will allow you to cultivate a “second traveler” mind set:

1. Choose to see the other as a mirror ~ Notice the judgments you have about someone else and ask yourself, “To what extent am I like this? Where in my life am I uncaring, grouchy, defiant, back-stabbing, narcissistic and boringly talkative?” And in your heart, thank this person for showing you so perfectly that which you could choose to improve upon in your own life.

2. Choose kindness ~ When someone is generating symptoms (I see unhelpful behaviors as symptoms of unmet needs) consider asking the person about it. If your boss seems uncaring, might she be under huge pressure? Could you ask how she is? Might your spouse need some understanding? Your child some slack?

3. Choose compassion ~ A deeper blend of the two above, you could practice a form of Tonglen meditation,. First note your judgment. “My spouse is grouchy.” Next connect to the suffering behind the grouchy. What might your spouse be feeling that is generating the symptom of “grouchy”? Maybe exhaustion, overwhelm, fear, irritation? Thirdly, quietly allow yourself to connect with that pain and breathe it in. A long, deep, slow in-breath sucking up all that sadness. Then, breathe out what you want for your spouse: peace, joy, happiness, solace. Send to them waves of good things. And let it be.

Over time, this will transform you into a second traveler. One who sees it all, learns from the judgments, offers kindness to the sad and connects with the universality of all through a deep breath of love.

Help For The Holidays

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As a Relationship Therapist I’ve noticed that my phone gets busy in December. And, over time, I’ve noticed there are three quite different sorts of cries for help: see if one of these fits for you:

1. The “Into Christmas” Group

You more or less like the holidays. You go along – whether with wholehearted enthusiasm or because you feel it is the right thing to do for the kids – and end up buying gifts, decorating the house, fixing large meals, visiting family, entertaining the neighbours, celebrating in your place of worship, and making merry as you go.

The price of all this is a maxed-out credit card, too much on your plate (literally and figuratively), family fights, hangovers, disappointment and enormous stress occasionally off-set by wisps of delight and fleeting moments of searing joy.

What you could use right now might be a couple of ways to maximize the joy and minimize the stress. Keep reading!

2. The normally “Into Christmas Group” Who Can’t Celebrate This Year

Whilst you hold the vision of a loving and happy holiday season, there has been too much sadness this year so nothing is the same. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one; recently divorced; been diagnosed with an illness; had an accident; lost your job; hit bottom as an alcoholic or any number of things that can come up in life to throw you off course.

Whilst all around there seems to be joy and delight, for you there is just this huge gulf between what you want life to be like and how it really is. It is all the harder to be crying alone when everyone else is making merry.

What you could use right now is a high level course in radical self-care. Keep reading!

3. The “It’s Just Not My Holiday” Group

For any number of highly legitimate (and possibly painful) reasons, this is THE toughest time of year for you.

As you observe the rising crescendo of jolly behaviour all around, and as the media and advertisers encourage ever more flamboyant spending opportunities, you find yourself wanting to move to an alternative parallel universe in December.

Maybe what you could use right now is some peace and quiet, and the understanding and permission to live this month according to your own beat. Maybe you want to party. Maybe you want to be silent. Maybe you want to take off and hide. Maybe you don’t want to wish anyone Happy Anything. Maybe you want to go on a 3-day organizing rampage. Keep on reading!

3 Ideas for the “Into Christmas” Group

1. Know what you want

All this holiday hoopla happens because you, and those around you, are seeking to re-create a feeling. What is that feeling? Connection? Magic? Kindness? Awe? Tradition? Faith renewed? Quite often however, amidst all the busyness, the season comes and goes and you realize you never made time for the one thing you were really looking forward to.

To make sure this does not happen, complete the following sentence:

“This Christmas will have been absolutely wonderful for me if _________ .”

Think about your answer, and then ask the people you live with what they would say.

For me a wonderful holiday season includes reading Truman Capote’s A Christmas Memory aloud with the family. My husband likes to make sure we cut our own Christmas tree – normally in deep snow, but in the Auckland rain is fine too. For my son it’s our Christmas morning routine of opening gifts from Santa one at a time and enjoying each gift with rounds of “what can it be?” followed by loads of improbable guesses. For my daughter it’s squeezing her small dog once more into the dreadful stripy knitted elf costume she gave the poor pup a while back, and then having her portrait taken with said small dog.

When you identify, and share with those around you, the one thing you absolutely know you want to have happen this year there are two great benefits:

a) You’ll make these “Must dos” a priority, &

b) As you make sure you do the few things that bring each of you the deepest joy you will know – even if things turn to custard and all is not perfect (yet again) – that it was a wonderful holiday season after all!

2. Lighten up!

Yes it’s a lovely idea that everyone will drink in moderation, give and receive great gifts, stay friendly, appreciate the beautiful food and more or less seem to be having a good time – but hey – if this is not what’s happening, release your need for control and perfection. Accepting what IS can be far more memorable and liberating than having a tantrum or voicing your disapproval. If things go seriously awry the best approach is a post holiday de-brief where, if need be, you set things up differently for next year.

3. Listen more than you speak

For many, when the extended clan gathers it is pandemonium. Everyone has a tale, a funny story, a grievance, a whine. Most everyone is out to be heard. However, if you’re interested in having a more meaningful holiday, try listening. Ask questions of your family members. How has their year been? What were the highlights? What are they grateful for? How might they make some needed changes in 2013? If you consider this an opportunity to get closer to one or two of your family or friends, it’s a gift you’ll never forget.

3 Ideas for the normally “Into Christmas Group” Who Can’t Celebrate This Year

No getting around it – this will be a tough year. The good news is, this pain will pass. The bad news is, it will be with you for this holiday cycle. Since the culture at large will not know of your suffering, the only recourse you have is to take matters into your own hands and be extra kind to yourself.

1. Ramp down your expectations

Knowing that you’ll be sad, unwell, fragile in your sobriety, lonely or not yourself for a myriad of other reasons, tell yourself it is OK not to embrace the holidays this year. It is OK for you to turn down parties; opt out of gift giving; skip a tradition. The key is to check in with yourself and ask, event by event, “Will this bring me happiness and relief?”

Only take part in things that receive a clear “Yes!”

2. Ask what you need this year

Depending upon what is dampening your joy, your needs this year will be different. If you are sick – maybe you need to be around people who give you energy rather than those who drain you. If you are divorced maybe it would help to be with friends who have come through divorce in a way you respect. If you have lost a loved one, only you’ll know if it would be more helpful to surround yourself with others who are missing this person, or if you’d be better off amongst complete strangers in an entirely new setting. In other words, pay attention to your own process and do your best to make sure you take care of you. It is doubtful others will do such a good job!

3. Help those who are worse off than you

The best remedy for self-pity or sadness is to look up and notice others who might be worse off. To whatever extent it is possible – can you find a way to help someone who is suffering in a similar way? Someone else who is newly sober, newly bereaved, newly alone, newly diagnosed? In reaching out with kindness and care to this other person you will find your own burden is lifted.

3 Ideas for the “It’s Just Not My Holiday” Group

If the alternative parallel universe worm-hole opened but you missed it, there are still things you can do to stay centered as those around you become ever more frenzied.

1. Create your own ritual

If you aren’t into celebrating, December 24, 25 and 26 can be tough: Most stores are closed, there’s nothing great on TV and everywhere you go there are reminders of what a wonderful time other people seem to be having. So – plan for your own version of wonderful and make these 3 days your annual snooker / fishing / fasting / yoga retreat / movie marathon and have at them with relish.

2. Volunteer

Since most establishments make December 24, 25 and 26 mandatory days off work, why not use them for some great Karmic return and volunteer for a cause you love? If you plan ahead there will be heaps of things you could invest 3 days of uninterrupted time into. If you prefer spur-of-the-moment, then check on-line for shelters, soup kitchens, senior centers, animal shelters or refugee agencies – they are always in need of a few good men (and women).

3. Organize the Year’s End

How often in the course of a year do you have three days with nothing on your agenda? How lucky you are NOT to be part of the frantic shopping, gifting, feasting and celebrating crowds. For you these 3 days are a total gift. No work. Minimal distractions. You can get all those end-of-year chores behind you: sort out your taxes, go through old files, clip articles from the pile of old magazines, re-think your subscriptions, clean out drawers, put up next year’s calendar, do some long-range goal-setting, plan your next vacation. What a gift!

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Whatever happens for you this December, the bottom line is this:

You always have a choice in how you respond to reality.

Live consciously,

Choose carefully.

Enjoy!