Author Archives: gemmautting

About gemmautting

A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I specialize in pre-marital preparation and relationship repair. A committed, long-term relationship is going to call you into places of deep personal awareness and growth like nothing else can. Learning how to allow this, how to respond without defensiveness and how to gracefully expand into the best possible version of yourself - whether before you say "I do" - is my joy and life's work.

Separate Honeymoon Anyone? Part 2

Leave a reply

Part II – The Solution For (our Honeymoon &) Your Family!(Continued from Part I)

In the face of multiple, competing and divergent family interests, did you identify anyone in your family (or yourself) as ever behaving like a Martyr, Bully or Pleaser?

Is there another way?

If there were another way, what would it look like?

Is it possible for very different people, with different ages and interests, to figure out what to do together in a way that no one has to compromise, bully or cajole so much that people feel lost, bossed or herded?

Indeed, is there a way that the planning can be part of the fun whilst building intimacy and connection?

Yes there is ~ meet

Style #4 The Mediator.

Looks like: “OK, we’ve got six people and nine great ideas between us. Let’s decide right now that we’ll make it a great day no matter what we end up doing. I’ve got an idea that might help – are you guys up for hearing it? How be if we each share our best idea and why it’s important to us? Let’s really listen to each other because what we can’t do today we could perhaps do another day. It’s important that everyone speaks up because it’s good to know what we each enjoy. We’ll hear one another out and see if one or two ideas seem best for this group on this day. If most of us can agree on what to do, let’s commit to doing those other ideas this year so over time we’ll all get to influence the group and feel good about our shared decision.”

Pro – Everyone has a chance to check in with themselves to see what sounds fun and why, and to put it out there. Everyone also gets the chance to listen to the others so you get to know one another more fully. The process of talking and choosing can be great fun – loads of improbable ideas can be tossed out and laughed over. Even “the losers” (those whose ideas are not decided upon for this day) know they are not long term losers because their ideas have been heard and are now on the agenda for another day.

Con – This approach takes time. It can get messy in the middle with pre-schoolers thinking of nutty things and teenagers saying “whatever” until you gently invite them to be more specific. It assumes a level of kindness amongst group members. It requires the group to value the process as well as the outcome.

Upshot – No matter which idea is chosen, everybody wins in 3 ways:

You get to know yourself better (by checking in with what you feel and want)
You get to know those around you better since you hear what they feel and want.
You get to practice connecting to one another, which minimizes the chances you’ll become enemies or strangers over time.

If you are interested in being The Mediator next time your family has a group decision to make, here’s a process you may find helpful:

Family Mediation in 5 Easy Steps

1. SET THE INTENTION.

If you see a situation that could easily turn to custard – such as a group of quite different folks all trying to agree to a plan – take charge and immediately raise the bar by stating an exciting or compelling intention. In the example above the Mediator said

“Let’s decide right now that we’ll make it a great day no matter what we end up doing.”

Another way is to pose this question: “

“Is it possible for us as very different people, with different ages and interests, to figure out what to do together in such a way that no one has feel lost, bossed or herded?”

2. PROPOSE A WIN-WIN SOLUTION.

Since it will immediately be obvious to everyone that not all the ideas on the table can be undertaken, there’s the possibility of some tension – particularly if you’ve got a handful of competitive sorts who are tuned in to the idea of winners & losers. By letting your group know you’ve got an idea that has benefits for everyone no matter whose ideas are acted upon, you might get some buy-in for your plan.

“I’ve got an idea that means we all win. Even if your idea isn’t the one we all agree to today, it will be put on the agenda for another time. So, are you up for hearing it? “

3. EVERYBODY CONTRIBUTES BY SPEAKING & LISTENING

By inviting everyone to weigh in with what is genuinely true for them – even your surliest teen and Gran who always puts everyone else first – you will accomplish two very important tasks. First of all everyone gets to take responsibility for how his or her day goes. If everyone puts an idea forward it has a chance of being chosen – if not today then soon. If someone has no ideas at all, can he or she agree to see if someone else’s idea sounds good and support it as their own? It is always easier to knock an idea than generate one – right? Same with choosing what to do. This practice of inviting everyone to contribute avoids the issue of people defaulting to one person’s idea and then grumbling.

“How be if we each share our best idea and why it’s important to us? Let’s really listen to each other because what we can’t do today we could perhaps do another day. For me, I’d love to split the day between a leisurely brunch since I’m famished, and then I think a zoo trip would be wonderful. Who’s next?”

4. WORK THROUGH GRIDLOCK

After everyone has had suggested an activity and why it might be fun for him or her, each person in the group will have a better sense for what might be best. Maybe little sister reminds the group she wanted to fly a kite last time you did this and it wasn’t possible because there was no wind, so on this blustery day her idea might be a good one. Whilst maybe your idea of a leisurely brunch wasn’t well received since the kids had all been snacking all morning and were full of energy. See if you can get a few people to sum up what seems to be the fairest and best-for-all ideas and propose them. You need to name the ideas that are to be shelved for now (like little sisters kite flying was last time). If there are still two quite different activities being championed by two or more people, go a bit deeper. Ask each person things like;

“So Mandy, you’re keen for us to cycle over to Kelly Tarltons and then on to St. Helliers for ice-creams because Kelly Tarltons has that special on and you adore ice creams on hot days. OK. And for you Danny heading over to hike in the Hanuas with a picnic lunch is more fun because you hate cycling on busy roads and want some shade? Can anyone think of a way to shift these two ideas a bit so everyone is happy?”

Opening it up for everyone to weigh-in once more might elicit some good compromises everyone can live with – like a shady Hanua (Danny’s wish) hike with ice-creams (Mandy’s wish) and a commitment to schedule Kelly Tarltons soon.

People dig their heels in and get stuck when their ideas and reasons remain unheard. Try it – really listen to what people want, acknowledge it, commit to meeting that request as best you can in the near future – and see if this person is willing to become more flexible.

5. THIS WILL HAVE BEEN FUN FOR ME TODAY IF…

This is key to bumping into happiness on all sorts of occasions. If – at the beginning of an undertaking – you identify what will make you particularly happy about this project as you undertake it, and then if you look back on this project and remember how you achieved what you said you wanted to achieve – you will feel happy about it. No matter who suggested the activity your group ends up committing to, each member of the group can think about one thing they are especially excited about. So – Mandy who wanted the bike trip and ice-creams can anticipate the ice-creams on route to the hike. Gran, who does not hike much and who plans to take a folding chair and bird watching book so she can be in the hills but not hiking, might say “I hope to see those cute Fan Tails – I’ve heard they love this area.” And usually sullen teen might say “I’ll take the stop watch – save me doing track tomorrow if I run some of this trail.” You get the idea, right? You are inviting everyone to buy-in to the day with their own unique set of reasons.

GOOD LUCK!

Oh yes – the honeymoon? It’s hard to keep these blog posts to around 1000 words (my goal!) I’m at over 1400 already.

I’ll write a fuller blog about the honeymoon if anyone is interested. But, in brief, Mark and I planned an open-ended adventure through Europe and the Middle east. We’d saved about $5,000 USD (good money in 1982); sold the Subaru after driving from Seattle (top left on the map of the United States) to Florida (bottom right on the map), for another $1200 and flew off to London where we cajoled our 1974 VW camper into a road-worthy first home. We allowed the adventure to take shape and when, after about 5 or 6 months we found ourselves voicing different priorities for the summer of 1983 – we “invented” this process, with a twist.

1. We sent an intention to create a marriage in which our individual passions could still flourish. We had stated in our vows that we wanted our union to make us bigger people, not smaller ones.

2. We committed to finding a win-win solution.

3. We talked about what we each wanted and why.

4. In the face of apparent gridlock we discovered the idea of taking a month apart at the same time – Mark for his German adventure and me for my French one.

5. We identified goals we each wanted to achieve and tell one another about upon our reunion – at a suitably romantic little Inn in Annecy.

It worked. We both had quite delightful adventures.

And the rest, as they say, is history!

Separate Honeymoon Anyone?

Leave a reply

Part 1 – The Problem

As my fiancée and I started planning our honeymoon (and life) together, we pretty quickly came to the conclusion that we both wanted to include some activities and adventures that the other wasn’t so interested in.

Mark’s got reasonable German and wanted to stride about the Austrian alps – “Macht schnell“. I fancied strolling through the Ardèche river valley in SE France sampling baguettes, local wine and cheese – “Bon appetit!”

Before I tell you what happened to us on our separate honeymoons (yes we did marry, we did separate on our Honeymoon and we are still together), it occurs to me now that this is a universal problem all families must face. As Mark and I discovered before we got married and started a family, just because you love one another doesn’t mean you actually will want to do everything together all the time.

Can this be OK?

If so, how?

This question is alive and well as a small sample of some recent issues from my therapy office shows:

A long-married couple is struggling to adapt as the wife finally admits she actually dislikes sitting with her husband every night watching TV: she is longing for more intellectual pursuits;
Two partners (one from NZ and one from the USA) are trying to understand what each means by “let’s party!”
The assumption “when we’re a team we do everything together” is getting a challenge as a couple can’t agree over how to design and build a planter box and they wonder if this is a slippery slope toward some fundamental incompatibility.

So, whether you are trying to agree on how to throw a dinner party, create a shared garden space, spend your evenings, plan an upcoming long weekend with the kids or design your ideal Honeymoon the fact is there are times when you’ll want one thing and your partner will want another. Throw in a few kids with different ages and interests, the in-laws or some house guests and the odds are good that you’ll never please all of the people all of the time.

In my experience people choose one of three broad approaches to try solving this issue. See if these feel familiar.

Style #1 – The Martyr

Looks like: “Oh, I’ll just go along with what the others want. I don’t really mind. It’s OK with me. I just want everyone to get along and stop arguing. If someone won’t compromise we’ll never do anything!”

Pro – If you are apparently willing to do “whatever” then the odds do improve that your “sacrifice” will take one voice out of the equation and maybe un-complicate things enough for the most persuasive person’s idea to take form.

Con – If you get into the habit of not speaking up you run the risk of disappointing yourself by doing things you don’t enjoy and disappointing the group since it’s not much fun to be around Martyr’s – they can be a bit half-hearted and self-righteous.

Upshot – Practiced frequently, you’ll start to forget what you genuinely enjoy. Every time you bring out the Martyr behaviour you will disappear a little bit. You’ll get cut off from what you genuinely feel and need. You’ll become a bit more of a stranger to yourself and your family. If you lose touch with what makes you happy (which is a big part of who you are) you run the risk (at an extreme end of these decisions over time) of living an inauthentic life and becoming angry and bitter in your later years.

Style #2 – The Bully

Looks like: “Oh for heavens sake be quiet and listen to me. I’ve got a great idea and if someone around here doesn’t take charge we’ll never get anywhere. He’s what we’ll do. Come on!”

Pro – If you have the energy and leadership to rally the troops in this single-minded way you will most likely get them up, out and doing something.

Con – With this “lets just get on with it” approach, you run the risk of rallying troops into an activity none of them actually wants to be part of. Is this gaining maximum happiness? Is just “doing something no matter what whilst minimizing the discussion and planning up front” preferable to a more inclusive approach? Is this approach more or less likely to have folks looking forward to the next shared occasion?

Upshot – Your forceful enthusiasm or “bossiness” tends to do some damage along the way. Sure you all made it to the beach, mountain, boat, park, museum or zoo where you may even have had moments of fun. However, those who feel “bullied” might be making quiet resolutions to themselves to cut you out of the equation by planning an activity without you next time.

Style #3 – The Pleaser

Looks like: “OK everyone, I want us all to be happy so is there one thing we can all enjoy? How about the beach and ice creams? Oh – you can’t sit in the sun Gran? How about we get you an umbrella? What? Tim – you’re desperate to skateboard? Could you bring it and scoot about on the footpath? Well maybe we can have a shady coffee and then some beach time and head over to the skateboard park? Oh for heaven’s sake John you can’t add fishing today as well! Honestly it’s like herding cats to get you lot to agree to anything!”

Pro – At least you are trying hard to herd those cats! You might actually come up with a pretty extensive list of activities to be squeezed into a day and a couple of folks might actually have fun. As a Pleaser you are more likely to have more people having fun than the Martyr or the Bully.

Con – If it is only you exhausting yourself in trying to make sure everyone is happy you are actually creating a blend of Martyr (since as Pleaser you often forget to think about or include what you want to do) and Bully (since when the impossibility of pleasing everyone becomes apparent you will tend to snap out a final decision) and there is an overwhelming sense of exasperation.

Upshot – With this frenetic start to a day the group tends to set off on a pretty exhaustive agenda with little buy-in from people and a general sense of how hard it is to find overlapping interests. There is often a back-lash emotion along the lines of “Lordy Me! I’ll do something on my own next time – this was way too hard!”

If you identify (or live) with a Martyr, Bully or Pleaser you are not alone. Every week I end up having conversations with people who have been hurt – usually unintentionally – by loved ones in these sorts of unsuccessful attempts at connecting with one another. So, while each of these approaches can get a family out of the house and off doing something for a day or long weekend, each approach also takes it’s particular toll on the relationships between those involved. So, the question I’ve been asking is ~ “Is there a way that helps families figure out how to have more fun together whilst also improving relationships along the way?”

And, based upon the results of our experimental two-track Honeymoon, I’d have to say “Yes, there is!”

Check in soon for ~

Part II – The Solution For (our Honeymoon &) Your Family!

Talking With Teens About Exam Results

Leave a reply

Living here in New Zealand with a daughter who has just finished Year 12, I’m fully aware of the stress this week can bring to homes across the country: Yes – the dreaded NCEA results are now posted.

How will my daughter react? How well has she done? Do her results seem fair in her mind? In my mind? Do these results open more doors for her than they close? Will her results encourage her to keep on getting more formal education, or put her off and make a gap year or an early start into the working world more likely?

As a mum I’m very much aware of how important these moments with our older children can be. At this age our teens are craving to see the jigsaw puzzle pieces of their lives begin to form some discernable image. They are longing to figure out “who am I and how do I fit in here?” Exam results are one more piece of the puzzle. Increasingly they are receiving feedback from the world about their success in handling the hurdles we place in front of them to enter this wider world. Are they attending, finishing and getting passing grades in Years 11, 12 and 13? Are they effective in group work? Do they pull their weight or slack off? How do they handle the pressure of assignment deadlines? How do they manage the intense boy/girl scene as hormonal roller coasters kick in? Can they get that waitressing job on top of sports, babysitting and a heavy social media agenda? Does it make more sense to leave College after Year 11 or Year 12 because other opportunities make more sense?

As a Relationship Therapist and a mum I’m very much aware of how important these moments with our older children can be, but for a different reason. I am aware that as the wider world pulls our teens increasingly into it’s grasp, trying to slot our precious child into an appropriate societal mould, my ability to influence and shape this young person is dwindling – and fast. I can no longer run interference between my child and the way the world sees him or her. No amount of tasty home-made lunches, ironed shirts, helped-with science projects, library-book runs, exciting birthday invitations and car rides chanting the times tables will help my teenager take responsibility for his or her next steps.

All I have left – as the parent of a teen – is my relationship with him or her. And that relationship is built, one day at a time, one conversation at a time.

So – back to the exam results.

Parents – my invitation to you as you meet this next round of “judgment” from the world upon your teen – is to consider these three things:

Know that every conversation you have with your teen (with anyone!) will do one of two things: It will bring you closer or it will push you apart.
When everything else in your teen’s life is so totally full of risk, change, flux and uncertainty, the biggest gift you can give your teen is the consistency of your loving, supportive presence.
So, if you want a conversation with your teen about exam results (or anything else that matters to them) can you set yourself an intention to use this conversation to grow closer?

5 Tips for Conversations That Bring You Closer

1. START GENTLY. This is easy when you are in a good mood and having a happy conversation, but even if you are anxious or angry, start carefully. One great opening line is simply to state your intention to have a good conversation and an acknowledgment of your own emotional state. E.g., “Betsy, I’d love to have a chat about your NCEA results. I find I’m feeling a bit anxious since I know how much you were dreading these. Is now a good time?”

2. GET CURIOUS. If a conversation is to be a genuine conversation then there needs to be some back and forth. All too often our attempts to share can fall victim to the one-way lecture! If you want to know about Betsy and her results, and she is willing to talk to you, then try asking her a question: E.g., “Betsy, have you had a chance to check your exam results? And if you have – how are you feeling about them?”

3. DISCOVER FEELINGS. What’s so interesting about a fact? So, even if Betsy comes right out and tells you her exam results, so what? What matters both to Betsy and you is how she feels about them – right? So let her know you care about her by asking how she is feeling. You’ll see both the examples above already include a feelings element. This might be new for you – but it’s a real key to improving the quality of your conversations. E.g., “Wow Betsy! You rocked your Level 2 English; I’ll bet you feel confident moving forward into Year 13 with that subject. How do you feel about your Biology scores?”

4. IDENTIFY NEEDS. Even though you want to communicate to your teen that he or she is the capable captain of his or her ship, you also want to show you are on their team. We all have needs, and learning how to identify and meet our needs more or less effectively is a life-long journey. So – model this with your teen. E.g., “Betsy, I know you’ve been hoping to go on to University. Given these scores, what do you think you need right now to keep your goal a possibility?”

5. LISTEN. This is the key to everything. Listening means being quiet and…. listening! Listening does not mean you are agreeing or endorsing what you hear. It simply means you are keen to understand your teen (or whomever you’re listening to). Lean forward. Nod encouragement. Try not to react to what you hear. Ask clarifying questions if you are not clear about something, but be aware of how you ask – your whole heart and self needs to communicate that it is important for you to fully understand your teen. If possible, try and sum up what you’ve heard. E.g., “So Betsy, if I understand you correctly, you feel on track with everything except your biology. You still want to go on to University but you realize these results might slow you down by a whole year. What you most need is help with the sciences and you’d love for us to talk about how to afford a good science tutor this year?”

GOOD LUCK!

(Remember, you can always have conversation do-overs if one heads south.)

If you have any specific questions about how to talk with your particular teen, please do not hesitate to drop me an email. I always respond!

Warmly,

Gemma

How Relationships Offer Us Everyday Transformation

Leave a reply

Invited to contribute an article to my friend’s Doors of Transformation on-line magazine. You can link to it here http://thedoorsoftransformation.com/how-relationships-off-us-transformation/, or just read it below.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

Carl Jung

Once upon a time two travelers decided to leave the village and try their luck in a new environment.

Both were keen to visit a nearby town of interest so, seeking some advance information, they consulted the renowned sage of the area with their shared question:

“Tell us Oh Sage – what sort of community do you have there? What are the people like?”

“Of course I will tell you. But first, tell me if you will, can you describe the community you have just left? How did you find the people there? Why do you wish to leave them and venture afar now?”

The first traveler jumped in with a sigh. “Oh Sage – I have had a dreadful time of it which is why I am leaving – to seek my fortune amongst better folks. The people in the old town are mean spirited, cold hearted, not inclusive nor kind nor curious. They seem to look at me with nothing but contempt and judgment. I am desperate to put some distance between myself and that place!”

“Oh, I am so sorry!” said the Sage. “You will most certainly be disappointed here for they are all just like that!”

With a stamp of frustration the traveler turned and left in the opposite direction.

The second traveler was looking on in amazement. “Oh Sage!” he burst forth,

“but I have had such fortune there! I have laughed and loved and learned so much! I have been feasted and included in the day to day of many lives! I only leave now for sheer joy to see if the world is full of wonderful souls or whether these people are uniquely delightful!”

“Oh, I am so happy!” said the Sage. “You will most certainly not be disappointed here for they are all just like that!”

To the extent we are that first traveler, what can we learn from the second?

As Jung notes – when we allow ourselves to be touched by another we may be transformed. But in what way? Clearly all villages have their fill of fiends, fear mongers and frauds as well as sweethearts, sages and saints.

Why do some folks become cynical, disillusioned and hopeless while others seem to overflow with so much warmth, goodwill and kindness that these inner qualities transform any external situation – like a beam of light transforms the darkness?

The key, it seems to me, is to take control of the only things you can – your own heart and your own mind. Every encounter invites you to deepen your ability to be the second traveler.

“Ye s yes!” you say (with perhaps a hint of frustration).

“But you’ve not met my uncaring boss, nor my grouchy spouse, nor my defiant rude child; nor my back-stabbing friend, nor my narcissistic mother, nor my garrulous neighbor. Sometimes my day is one long dodge and weave session through land mines of other peoples’ emotional sludge!”

OK – fair enough. This is probably what the first traveler saw when he took stock of his unsatisfying day-to-day interactions. It may never have occurred to you to consider transforming these encounters. If you are like most of us, it would be more apt to say you alternate between tolerating, ignoring, getting angry with, giving helpful feedback to or having a drink to numb your feelings about – your boss, spouse, child, friend, mum and neighbor.

These are coping strategies – but you’re reading a magazine about transformation so clearly you want more.

Let’s go back to the key being your own heart and mind. Two of your most powerful muscles – OK technically the brain is an organ not a muscle, but it operates like a muscle to the extent it responds to exercise (try telling that to your kidneys). With your heart you can choose a different feeling. With your mind you can choose a different response.

Here are three ideas that will allow you to cultivate a “second traveler” mind set:

1. Choose to see the other as a mirror ~ Notice the judgments you have about someone else and ask yourself, “To what extent am I like this? Where in my life am I uncaring, grouchy, defiant, back-stabbing, narcissistic and boringly talkative?” And in your heart, thank this person for showing you so perfectly that which you could choose to improve upon in your own life.

2. Choose kindness ~ When someone is generating symptoms (I see unhelpful behaviors as symptoms of unmet needs) consider asking the person about it. If your boss seems uncaring, might she be under huge pressure? Could you ask how she is? Might your spouse need some understanding? Your child some slack?

3. Choose compassion ~ A deeper blend of the two above, you could practice a form of Tonglen meditation,. First note your judgment. “My spouse is grouchy.” Next connect to the suffering behind the grouchy. What might your spouse be feeling that is generating the symptom of “grouchy”? Maybe exhaustion, overwhelm, fear, irritation? Thirdly, quietly allow yourself to connect with that pain and breathe it in. A long, deep, slow in-breath sucking up all that sadness. Then, breathe out what you want for your spouse: peace, joy, happiness, solace. Send to them waves of good things. And let it be.

Over time, this will transform you into a second traveler. One who sees it all, learns from the judgments, offers kindness to the sad and connects with the universality of all through a deep breath of love.

Help For The Holidays

Leave a reply

As a Relationship Therapist I’ve noticed that my phone gets busy in December. And, over time, I’ve noticed there are three quite different sorts of cries for help: see if one of these fits for you:

1. The “Into Christmas” Group

You more or less like the holidays. You go along – whether with wholehearted enthusiasm or because you feel it is the right thing to do for the kids – and end up buying gifts, decorating the house, fixing large meals, visiting family, entertaining the neighbours, celebrating in your place of worship, and making merry as you go.

The price of all this is a maxed-out credit card, too much on your plate (literally and figuratively), family fights, hangovers, disappointment and enormous stress occasionally off-set by wisps of delight and fleeting moments of searing joy.

What you could use right now might be a couple of ways to maximize the joy and minimize the stress. Keep reading!

2. The normally “Into Christmas Group” Who Can’t Celebrate This Year

Whilst you hold the vision of a loving and happy holiday season, there has been too much sadness this year so nothing is the same. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one; recently divorced; been diagnosed with an illness; had an accident; lost your job; hit bottom as an alcoholic or any number of things that can come up in life to throw you off course.

Whilst all around there seems to be joy and delight, for you there is just this huge gulf between what you want life to be like and how it really is. It is all the harder to be crying alone when everyone else is making merry.

What you could use right now is a high level course in radical self-care. Keep reading!

3. The “It’s Just Not My Holiday” Group

For any number of highly legitimate (and possibly painful) reasons, this is THE toughest time of year for you.

As you observe the rising crescendo of jolly behaviour all around, and as the media and advertisers encourage ever more flamboyant spending opportunities, you find yourself wanting to move to an alternative parallel universe in December.

Maybe what you could use right now is some peace and quiet, and the understanding and permission to live this month according to your own beat. Maybe you want to party. Maybe you want to be silent. Maybe you want to take off and hide. Maybe you don’t want to wish anyone Happy Anything. Maybe you want to go on a 3-day organizing rampage. Keep on reading!

3 Ideas for the “Into Christmas” Group

1. Know what you want

All this holiday hoopla happens because you, and those around you, are seeking to re-create a feeling. What is that feeling? Connection? Magic? Kindness? Awe? Tradition? Faith renewed? Quite often however, amidst all the busyness, the season comes and goes and you realize you never made time for the one thing you were really looking forward to.

To make sure this does not happen, complete the following sentence:

“This Christmas will have been absolutely wonderful for me if _________ .”

Think about your answer, and then ask the people you live with what they would say.

For me a wonderful holiday season includes reading Truman Capote’s A Christmas Memory aloud with the family. My husband likes to make sure we cut our own Christmas tree – normally in deep snow, but in the Auckland rain is fine too. For my son it’s our Christmas morning routine of opening gifts from Santa one at a time and enjoying each gift with rounds of “what can it be?” followed by loads of improbable guesses. For my daughter it’s squeezing her small dog once more into the dreadful stripy knitted elf costume she gave the poor pup a while back, and then having her portrait taken with said small dog.

When you identify, and share with those around you, the one thing you absolutely know you want to have happen this year there are two great benefits:

a) You’ll make these “Must dos” a priority, &

b) As you make sure you do the few things that bring each of you the deepest joy you will know – even if things turn to custard and all is not perfect (yet again) – that it was a wonderful holiday season after all!

2. Lighten up!

Yes it’s a lovely idea that everyone will drink in moderation, give and receive great gifts, stay friendly, appreciate the beautiful food and more or less seem to be having a good time – but hey – if this is not what’s happening, release your need for control and perfection. Accepting what IS can be far more memorable and liberating than having a tantrum or voicing your disapproval. If things go seriously awry the best approach is a post holiday de-brief where, if need be, you set things up differently for next year.

3. Listen more than you speak

For many, when the extended clan gathers it is pandemonium. Everyone has a tale, a funny story, a grievance, a whine. Most everyone is out to be heard. However, if you’re interested in having a more meaningful holiday, try listening. Ask questions of your family members. How has their year been? What were the highlights? What are they grateful for? How might they make some needed changes in 2013? If you consider this an opportunity to get closer to one or two of your family or friends, it’s a gift you’ll never forget.

3 Ideas for the normally “Into Christmas Group” Who Can’t Celebrate This Year

No getting around it – this will be a tough year. The good news is, this pain will pass. The bad news is, it will be with you for this holiday cycle. Since the culture at large will not know of your suffering, the only recourse you have is to take matters into your own hands and be extra kind to yourself.

1. Ramp down your expectations

Knowing that you’ll be sad, unwell, fragile in your sobriety, lonely or not yourself for a myriad of other reasons, tell yourself it is OK not to embrace the holidays this year. It is OK for you to turn down parties; opt out of gift giving; skip a tradition. The key is to check in with yourself and ask, event by event, “Will this bring me happiness and relief?”

Only take part in things that receive a clear “Yes!”

2. Ask what you need this year

Depending upon what is dampening your joy, your needs this year will be different. If you are sick – maybe you need to be around people who give you energy rather than those who drain you. If you are divorced maybe it would help to be with friends who have come through divorce in a way you respect. If you have lost a loved one, only you’ll know if it would be more helpful to surround yourself with others who are missing this person, or if you’d be better off amongst complete strangers in an entirely new setting. In other words, pay attention to your own process and do your best to make sure you take care of you. It is doubtful others will do such a good job!

3. Help those who are worse off than you

The best remedy for self-pity or sadness is to look up and notice others who might be worse off. To whatever extent it is possible – can you find a way to help someone who is suffering in a similar way? Someone else who is newly sober, newly bereaved, newly alone, newly diagnosed? In reaching out with kindness and care to this other person you will find your own burden is lifted.

3 Ideas for the “It’s Just Not My Holiday” Group

If the alternative parallel universe worm-hole opened but you missed it, there are still things you can do to stay centered as those around you become ever more frenzied.

1. Create your own ritual

If you aren’t into celebrating, December 24, 25 and 26 can be tough: Most stores are closed, there’s nothing great on TV and everywhere you go there are reminders of what a wonderful time other people seem to be having. So – plan for your own version of wonderful and make these 3 days your annual snooker / fishing / fasting / yoga retreat / movie marathon and have at them with relish.

2. Volunteer

Since most establishments make December 24, 25 and 26 mandatory days off work, why not use them for some great Karmic return and volunteer for a cause you love? If you plan ahead there will be heaps of things you could invest 3 days of uninterrupted time into. If you prefer spur-of-the-moment, then check on-line for shelters, soup kitchens, senior centers, animal shelters or refugee agencies – they are always in need of a few good men (and women).

3. Organize the Year’s End

How often in the course of a year do you have three days with nothing on your agenda? How lucky you are NOT to be part of the frantic shopping, gifting, feasting and celebrating crowds. For you these 3 days are a total gift. No work. Minimal distractions. You can get all those end-of-year chores behind you: sort out your taxes, go through old files, clip articles from the pile of old magazines, re-think your subscriptions, clean out drawers, put up next year’s calendar, do some long-range goal-setting, plan your next vacation. What a gift!

****************************************************************************************************************

Whatever happens for you this December, the bottom line is this:

You always have a choice in how you respond to reality.

Live consciously,

Choose carefully.

Enjoy!

“Wicked” Camping to Celebrate 30th Wedding Anniversary

Leave a reply

OK – thanks so much for all the suggestions!

In the end, practicality and zest won the day.

New Zealand’s “Grab One” deal showed up just in time to deliver one “Wicked” Camper for 2 people, for a ten day rental with pickup in Christchurch and return to Auckland — including the Blue Ridge Cook Straits Ferry which is usually between $255 and $364) — for only $99. Done deal!

Mark and I fly to Christchurch Wednesday morning to visit dear friends whom I met on an Israeli Kibbutz in 1974 and with whom I’ve been friends ever since. In fact their first daughter is my namesake (Hi Gemma!). Then, we have ten days to re-enact a small portion of our 18 month original Honeymoon, in which we lived in a VW camper and traveled in Europe and the Middle East. This time we’ll mostly explore New Zealand’s South Island, and visit friends in Nelson as we head north. And, during the drive, Mark and I can hatch some new directions and priorities for our next 30 years.

Stay posted.

Link

It’s OK To Ask for Help As A Couple…

The New Zealand Herald interviewed Mark and me about making marriages work as a side piece to Hope Springs (the movie).

It’s true – every little good deed someone does for you along the way – as my aunt offered to Mark and me on our honeymoon when we were lost for words and fighting (full story in up-coming book “Use Your Words!” Move Your Marriage from Conflict to Compassion One Fight At A Time) will most likely be passed along in that, or some other form.

Don’t be too shy to ask for help when you need it!

Hope Springs

Leave a reply

If you too just had a date with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones by joining them in Hope Springs, Maine, then welcome to the conversation about marriage!

Mark (you’ll come to know Mark – he’s my husband of almost 30 years and he’ll feature quite a bit in this blog) and I had a wonderful date at Howick’s Monterey Cinema last week and have found ourselves both irritated and excited by the film and it’s premise.

The irritated part comes from my frustration with how weak Meryl Streep’s character Kay is. Come on! Those of us born in the 1950’s did everything we possibly could not to recreate our parents’ 1950s marriages. So, I did a spot of research about the screen writer Vanessa Taylor. Interesting fact #1. Ms. Taylor has never been married. Interesting fact #2, Ms. Taylor is young enough to be my daughter (DOB 24 September 1978), is petite, gorgeous and talented. So – if one is supposed to write about what one knows, what on earth was she thinking when she dreamt up Hope Springs?

Here she is in a NYT interview:

“What if distance creeps into a relationship?” she asked. “Can you ever get back across? Or is it done? I was having trouble maintaining relationships. They’d get to a point, and distance would happen, and it kept happening over and over. I was trying to explore what you can do to heal those broken relationships, writing about it, and saying, ‘Let’s see if I can even imagine it.’ ”

OK, so maybe I can be less irritated if the writer was creating a character who was REALLY stuck so she could explore how to get unstuck. That’s actually a creative project to undertake.

Which brings me to the excited part.

Through my nearly 30 years of marriage, and through endless conversations with married friends over dinners, camping trips, river trips, school pick-up routines, shopping aisle encounters and more; through my life’s encounters with people as a facilitator, teacher and Life Coach and through my work as a Child and Family Therapist in the USA and as a Relationship Therapist here in New Zealand, I’ve been asking similar questions. Well, lots more too actually. Questions such as:

Why marry – why not just stay living together?
Is it OK to fight?
How much is too much fighting?
What ways are there to grow as individuals within a marriage that do not involve fighting?
What is that “magic sauce” some couples have and can it be taught?
Why don’t they teach us anything about being in relationships at school?
Why don’t more couples get help when they get stuck?

Given how much sadness and anger some people endure in their lives, this last question intrigues me. What are we therapists doing that makes coming to us seem like “not an option”?

Is it the price tag (in my case for about the cost of filling your Ute weekly for a month you could transform your marriage for a lifetime). Heck – if your tooth is throbbing you hot-foot it down to the dentist and fork over potentially $1000s to remove, canal or cap the offending molar whilst minimizing the pain with great meds.

Ah – maybe there’s the rub. Is there “out there” this lingering association between “great pain” as well as a “great price-tag” when it comes to therapy? I wonder how different it would be if we therapists could either offer you great meds to numb the pain, or make the process of coming to see a therapist less ghastly?

And, even with the bad rap therapy gets, let me just reassure you the profession is alive and well. Every day, folks like you are having conversations with folks like me. There are 3 broad reasons folks seek my help. I think of it as “Me”, “We” and “Us” issues.

What are the “Me” issues? It’s when one partner recognizes there might be something getting in the way of them being effective in their life or relationships. Maybe they feel they are still fighting ghosts from childhood, or dragons from former relationships, or self esteem or body image issues. They come to see me about themselves – hoping that working on themselves will improve their relationships.

What are the “We” issues? This is when both partners recognize there is something getting in the way of being happy together. Could be a blend of working with two people with “Me” issues above. Or, it could be that the couple sees pretty quickly how they wind one another up. Roz has a promotion and is increasingly late at work. Larry is lonely so when she finally comes home he snaps at her and complains about her hours, her lack or interest in their home life, in him or the kids. Roz feels less and less effective at home and dives ever more deeply into her work. Larry feels increasingly abandoned by Roz and complains more and more loudly. The louder Larry complains the more Roz retreats into work and the louder Larry complains. Get it?

What are the “Us” issues? These are about external pressures on the couple that test their skills, resilience and partnership. These issues include illnesses, children, money worries, international moves, in-laws. With these quite often the couple is working together as best they can – but they need help, an expanded tool kit, support and maybe the recruitment of a wider community.

So, while I deeply appreciate each week the “Me”, “We” and “Us” couples I meet, I’d love to invite more couples to take the chance to shaking things up. Of getting a bigger, happier, zestier life.

I won’t be able to promise you great meds, but I am certainly here to offer you the “less ghastly” part. Now there’s a marketing slogan worthy of billboard space:’

“Come see Gemma – her form of therapy is less ghastly than you’re expecting.”

That’s my goal. To help couples shift through their pain to a more connected, loving, zesty and alive place whilst minimizing the pain along the way.

To celebrate Mark’s and my 30th anniversary I am committing to help more couples enjoy their marriages. The countdown is on for our 30th wedding anniversary on November 20th. And here for this blog, is my Me / We / Us commitment.

Me Commitment – My first book (with the working title of ) “Use Your Words!” Move Your Marriage from Conflict to Compassion One Fight At A Time is on the way. The purpose is to provide couples with a simple but transformative way to use their fights to deepen their love. Nutty as this sounds, it is what I do at work every day – help couples take that energy and raw emotions that fights precipitate and mine it for the gold beneath.

We Commitment – Hey, don’t be a stranger! I’d love to get to know more about you and your marriage – where it is. By way of an introduction I’d love to send you an early sample of my chapter in the book on HOW NOT TO FIGHT ~ The 7 Deadliest Fight Strategies, subscribe to my blog and I’ll send you a PDF advance copy.

Us Commitment – This one is about Mark and me. I am inviting readers of this blog to help us celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary. We’ve only been here in New Zealand for just over one year so have loads to see and experience here. So, please send us ideas for how to best celebrate 30 years of marriage and our adventure here in Aotearoa. Budget: $1000. Suggestions sought. I’ll of course publish the winning suggestion and our adventure!