Business | Gemma Utting MA, LMFT, CLC

. . . for prioritizing needs and wants

Are we renting Argo or Silver Linings Playbook?
Do I help Mandy with math or Ben with Biology first – both need me right now?
Shall we go with Sage or Aqua blue for the bedroom walls?
Shall we eat out or stay home?
Are we hiking or biking this weekend?

HELP! Is there a way to make decision-making both more informed and faster to effect?

Decisions large and small come up for couples and families all the time and often prove fertile ground for a good bicker or an outright fight.

Here’s what we came up with in our family. Essentially, each person involved in making the decision gets to assign a level of urgency, or a priority rating, to his or her option.

We call it simply “The ABCs.”

A = This really matters to me. I care about this choice and not getting this will be hard for me. I feel strongly about this.

B = This matters. I’d prefer this option. But if someone else has an A, I’m OK with some negotiation.

C = I’m neutral. If we’re all pretty neutral maybe I’d lean this way – but it’s all good.

Then of course, there’s the fine-tuning.

A+++ = Say no more!

A- = I feel strongly, between a B+ and A: it’s important, but I can hear all options.

B+ = It’s up there – not quite an A

And so forth.

At first this seems either “duh!” obvious, or plain silly since of course everyone will claim their choice is an A to them. But, let me explain the subtle rules and show you what tends to happen in practice.

Three key rules-of-the-game if this is to work

“A” needs to be your least-used priority rating.
Be honest with yourself, and wise in how you assign your priorities
When someone calls an “A”, do your utmost to honour it.

This system works when you all recognize that for the most part, without this system, everything is an A. You want what you want now – regardless of the consequences it might have for your relationships or other peoples’ choices. Essentially, you’ve always seen the A, but not discerned the B and C priority levels.

This method introduces the ideas that ~

That there are grades of needs and wants;
Decisions with others involve a fuller picture, a larger context
In that larger context, there is a simple way to calibrate the groups’ needs
Most likely, your level of priority is between B+ and C-, so chill a little
Each time you process these priority levels you have a chance to build relationship by listening to each person and honoring the As.

Try it out for yourselves. Talk through how you want to describe the A, B & C options. Agree an A has to be limited and very important. I think you’ll find, as we did, that people are keen to be honest, and to only call an A when they really really need it. My hunch is this will build more self-awareness, other-awareness, restraint, anticipation and a few good doses of fun.

It’s tough to get our needs met, so do try

Requests not demands.

A communications tip as Haiku! Seriously now, when you want something from someone you love, how do you typically go about getting it?

Do you ~

WISH – you need a fairy godmother (or mind-reader); how’s that working for you?

HINT – you need Sherlock Holmes, so better be ready for clues to be misinterpreted.

INVITE – you better make what you need done sound exciting and be prepared for better offers to come up for the invitee.

REQUEST – you get to be clear about what you want, and prepare to be OK with a “Yes”, “No” or “Maybe”.

DEMAND – you feel fully entitled to what you want and you may even get it, but be prepared for some push back.

COMMAND – you have authority and “vil have zis done Macht schnell”. “Yes Sir!” Captain Von Trapp tried it for a while but can’t say it won him much love and affection.

There are pro’s and con’s to each.

I have to admit to wishing my family would spontaneously apply the Harpic and clean the loos after each usage, and occasionally I’m duly surprised. The fairy Godmother has sprinkled her dust and – hey Presto – lovely loos! So – the Pro is the possibility for pleasant surprises, the con is the intermittent nature of these rewards.

Hinting? “Well, I’m pretty tired, I think a lazy afternoon would be great” could turn out as I’d hoped and we all loll about with good books and gentle background music, or be misconstrued as “Let’s invite the neighbours over to chill with us – I’ll BBQ!”

Inviting? I’ve tried inviting my children to share their English homework for my “oh-so-gentle” review. Strangely they prefer to suffer the praise or scorn of their teachers. Clearly I’ve made one too many “It could be good to expand on this point…” remarks. But at least my kids are still speaking to me, and they are making (and have made) their own steady progress as writers.

Requesting? Much better. I get to be clear and feel that I’m entitled to ask for what I want just as those of whom I’m requesting something are entitled to say “Yes”, “No” or “Maybe”. Takes a bit of creativity but leaves everyone feeling engaged and resourceful.

Demanding? Has a bit of a negative connotation. With no clear hierarchy, having one person demand something from another – with a snippy “Clean up!” “Pass the salt!” “Ask nicely!” – it tends to elicit a surge of resistance and an indignant “No!” even if, and here’s the rub, you actually wouldn’t mind doing any of these things if asked nicely.

Commanding? Reminds me of that scene in Young Victoria where the newly married Queen tries commanding Albert to stay with her one night after they’ve had their first newly wed power struggle. He knows he’s being commanded by his Queen, but because he is first of all her husband, he turns on his heel and walks deliberately from the room. Yes! It does not work to command anyone you love. Period.

How do you usually try to get your needs met?

Is this working for you?

What might be a more effective approach?

Coming up.

An “Easy as ABC” way to get needs met.