Category Archives: Divorce

Dating Again, Post Divorce

OK friends, last in a 5 part series on how to be a friend when your friends have affairs, separate and divorce. This one’s about what to do when they are ready to get back on the dating scene.

Part 5 of 5 HOW TO HELP WHEN ~ They Are Dating Again

1. Invite your single friends over. Yes, you miss the good old times when you and your sweetie hung out with your friend and his or her “ex.” However, this can be a refreshing shift for your friendship. After divorce, most people shake loose some old behaviours and beliefs: Who is this person now? Invite your newly single friends over with other couples. It’s good for them to cross that hurdle of “odd one out amongst couples ” with someone they know and trust. When possible, try to connect with both sides more or less evenly. Maybe play sports with one, but have dinners with the other. It’s all good.

2. Be careful with the matchmaking already. Sure it’s tempting! Especially if you’ve watched the death of your friends’ love over the past years and have longed for their happiness. 2 good reasons to slow this down:

If your friends are to avoid a rebound disaster, they’ll need time to figure out who they are now, post divorce. Rather than urging more coupling, try championing some single time. Some “getting to love and enjoy my own company” time. This might be a long overdue developmental stage for your friend – support it!
If you are friends to both, think how it will seem to the friend whom you do not “fix up” with a match? What’s she then – chopped liver?

3. Ask if and how your friends want your “feedback.” Talk to your friend about what they want next. Some self-discovery single time? Great – support that. Some dating-as-self-discovery? Great – support that too. But, have a conversation with your friend about what to do if you see warning signs. What if you don’t like the new friend, after genuinely trying? What if you see behaviors that look dangerous to you? Maybe your friend’s new partner strikes you as controlling, vindictive, or insincere? If your friend asks for your honest opinion, clarify some ground rules. Having an upfront conversation increases the odds these tough chats later will be possible and useful.

4. Watch and Learn – my friend. You may be surprised at your feelings when your divorced friend finally falls in love again with someone wonderful, and their romance, wedding, new home and fresh start make your 15+ year relationship seem dowdy and stale. Even the horror off sharing kids with the “ex” now has a bright side; alternating kid-free weekends! If you feel more jealousy than relief at all this newness, it’s time to clean up your own house. What do you and your partner need to stay new, alive and in love?

Helping Kids through Divorce

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How friends and relations react in the face of a couple’s troubles can make a huge difference, often for the worse. I am dedicating this week’s blog space to addressing the five types of couple distress I see most regularly, with tips for how family and friends can help, not harm, the hurting couple.

Part 4 of 5 HOW TO HELP WHEN ~ The Divorced Couple has Kids

1. Never badmouth either parent in front of the children. Children know (even if adopted) they’re a combination of both parents. It’s never OK to say anything negative about either parent. If a child tells you they are “mad at dad” by all means acknowledge “Boy, right now you’re so mad at dad you could scream!” But avoid character assignation. If you hear “mum’s a looser – if she’d just stop drinking dad wouldn’t have left,” challenge this gently. “Your mum’s behaved badly, but she’s not a bad person.” Good people can make bad choices. This is key or the child might grow up thinking they too have some ingrained character flaw “just like mum or dad.”

2. Cut the kids some slack. When your parents split, your home’s sold, you divide your time and stuff between mum’s house & dad’s house, your friends are gossiping, family finances suffer, you have to meet a parent’s new partner, and-life-as-you-once-knew-it is forever changed, it can be hard to find comfort. Counselling might be good. But anyone can help by taking the child out, listening, empathizing and offering simple kindness. A regular zoo date; movie night and sleep over at your house; an introduction to something new – a sport or art or book – shows you care.

3. Include them in your family traditions. “It takes a village” yea, yea, but it really helps! If your divorced friends are not up for the Easter egg hunt, pumpkin carving, tree cutting, carol singing, Thanksgiving feast, bake sale, Waitangi Day races, cabin-on-the-lake trip for a while, include your friends’ kids with your own. As the child of an unhappy marriage, I longed for these immersions into happy family gatherings and model my own parenting on the many aunts and friends who included me along the way.

4. Be an advocate for the children. In a recent study of young adults from divorced families, many of those surveyed identified loss of control over their lives as very upsetting. Few kids said their parents had talked with them about the divorce and only 5% had the chance to ask questions. Help your friends put their love of the children ahead of their hate for the “ex”. Just because the parenting plan says Mum’s house on Thursdays, but there’s a Father’s Day tea – what does the child need and want today? Might it be OK to listen more to the children?

Your Friend’s Divorce

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Part 3 of 5 HOW TO HELP WHEN ~ They Divorce

1. Don’t be afraid to mess up. There are no rules for how to divorce with élan. No common divorce rituals, rites of passage, no playbook for those of us left with loyalty issues and sore hearts for our friends’ broken love. It’s understandable to be a bit nervous around divorce – it’s a death and there’ll be grief and loss. Do your best to keep the lines of communication open with your friends. This is particularly important if there are children (see Post 4). But in any case stay connected, however imperfectly, so your friends know they are not alone.

2. Don’t rush back to “normal.” Just because the death of a marriage doesn’t end with a funeral doesn’t mean your divorcing friends are not in a state of grief and loss. Most likely the divorced couple will have lost their home, savings, shared past, future hopes, family unit, in-laws, photo albums, lifestyle, trust in the permanency of love, and often a huge helping of self-respect. It takes time to come back from all this. The divorced partners are now off on separate journeys of recovery and it won’t help to rush them. It may take years before your friend becomes the old familiar playful, funny, unselfish character you once knew. Allow your friendship to evolve – as it will.

3. Do remind them of “normal.” Sometimes the last thing your friend wants is to discuss the divorce. Great – provide them with the distractions they seek. This is a good time for you to complain, seek their advice, ask for their help, take up Hot Yoga, start a diet, and generally show them that life is big and wide and has a place for them even when they’re not quite ready to engage 100%.

4. Sort out your own feelings. Remember, this is not your divorce. While it might seem as though your friend/relative wants you to dislike (hate?) their ex as much as he or she does, you may not. It might be this “ex” is the mother or father of your grandchildren; how can you hate them? It might be you have loved this person and are sad to be losing them from the family or friendship circle. How you negotiate your relationship with someone who is divorcing out of your community is up to you. You can stay in touch and love them as before. You may just have to do this separately for a while.

Your Friend’s Separation

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How friends and relations react in the face of a couple’s troubles makes a huge difference, often for the worse. I am dedicating this week’s blog space to addressing the five types of couple distress I see most regularly, with tips for how family and friends can help, not harm, the hurting couple

Part 2 of 5 HOW TO HELP WHEN ~ They Separate

1. Be a neutral-zone. Even if you feel strongly in favour of one partner over the other it’s not helpful to act this out as prosecutor or defense. Just listen and try to be supportive by telling your friend how sorry you are that he or she is having this experience. Don’t badmouth one person to the other – not only is it unhelpful, but there’s always the chance they might get back together again. Don’t ever volunteer to be the “go-between.” While it might seem neutral, this perpetuates dreadful behaviour and fosters jealousy. If the separated partners want to talk, they can do so directly, or in therapy.

2. Offer tangible, practical help. If your friends are separating, one, other or both of them will be living with less stuff. Does someone need bedding, kitchen ware, extension cords or a lamp? If your friend used to rely on his or her spouse to help with dry cleaning, car troubles, elderly parents or the pets, can you step in instead? Sleuth out which day or night is toughest on your friend and show up with dinner. Be willing to talk about anything, e.g,(“Can I survive on this budget?” or “Shall I shave my head, drop 10 kg, and re-do my wardrobe?” Listen. Ask questions. See if you can get them laughing at their predicament – occasionally.

3. Stay alert for severe reactions. Whatever the cause of a separation, this is a massively unstable time. Feelings and behaviour will be all over the map and you may be frightened by your friends’ oscillating mood swings. Just show up. Love your friend unconditionally even if they are making poor choices. If you suspect your friend is severely depressed be willing to discuss suicidal thoughts. If she / he has a concrete plan (I’ll take an overdose) and has the means for completing this plan (I’ve been hoarding my pills for two years and have more than enough) ask “On a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being you don’t want to make it through the night, where are you?” If your friend has the means to carry out a suicide and is over a 3 or 4, get professional help.

4. Get your friend helping others. A pity-party is a lonely affair. If your friend is wallowing, get them thinking of someone else. You need them to walk your dog; the neighbour needs house-plants watered; animal rescue needs someone to love the kittens. Obviously, if there are children involved, this will look very different. See Part 4.