Monthly Archives: February 2015

When Does A Relationship Need Help?

Your relationship with a car that’s important to you is not so very different from your relationship with a person who’s important to you.

Especially when it comes to maintenance, repairs and the willingness to notice and invest what is needed, when it’s needed.

My husband Mark tells a great story about a friend; a car; and that wonderful state of denial we can all get into.

************

It snowed in Seattle in the 1970s. Epic years. Mark and his friend (let’s call him “Steve”) were skiers. On this particular day, several more feet of snow had fallen in the mountains and the lads needed to get up there.

For reasons Mark no longer remembers, Steve took his father’s car for the trip without checking in with his folks. A nice, newer model Toyota Crown with a great heater, ski rack and winter tires. The oil pressure light was out, but other than that this was a great, reliable car.

[Yeah, sometimes you know you ought to spend money to fix a small thing, but hey – you can remember to top up the oil. No big deal.]

Apparently neither Steve nor Mark noticed a small slip of paper fall from the dash board and out onto the garage floor….

[Sometimes we miss those important memos, caught up in the momentum of our days.]

Excited for the powder they set off East on Highway 2. Music blaring.

They got gas at a service station at Monroe, but didn’t check any of the other fluids. No warning lights? No problem!

[That “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” attitude, right?]

Not long after, they began to hear a click, click, click.

They kept driving.

[What do you mean we’ve got to talk?]

Which progressed fairly quickly into a clunk, clunk, clunk.

They kept driving.

[Sure, things might not be perfect, but I’m going to keep my foot on the gas and just keep hoping that s/he will be fine / get over it / change / shut-up / be happy again. It’s worked in the past.]

Then a Bang! Bang! Bang!

They kept driving.

[Now things are so loud I’m frightened it might be serious. Certainly don’t want to know about that – gotta ski!]

Then three things happened in quick succession.

Smoke began to pour out from under the hood;
Steve pulled over
The car died.

Steve flipped the hood release and the lads peeped into the engine.

Mark takes over: “So there we are looking in. It’s all steam and heat and burning smells. I look down into the heart of the engine just in time to see a molten piece of metal drip onto the snow beneath. Literally – the engine is so burnt up it’s melting! And Steve turns to me and asks – incredulously – “Hey Mark, do you think it’s serious?”

That moment, right there ~ you need help!

Not (only) because your engine / relationship is broken probably beyond repair.

But because you might, finally, be sufficiently motivated to ask.

However, if you’ve been reading between the lines, you’ll have noticed that there are all sorts of other moments, long before the death of your car / relationship when a peep under the hood and some proactive attention, service and repair could have saved the situation from ruin.

Here’s a checklist for you.

If any one of these relationship tools is weakened or outright broken, I highly recommend you get some professional help.

YOUR INTERNAL SENSORS

Like that oil pressure sensor in the Toyota, you have on-board sensors that can fall silent.

You may need professional help if your emotions (anger, resentment, frustration etc) are disconnected from the possible causes of these emotions. Put another way, if you’re walking around with a stew pot of feelings and no idea why – your sensors are off.

YOUR FEEDBACK SYSTEM

Is the light on your dashboard burnt out?

Even if you can figure out what is making you angry or jealous or disappointed, if you can’t find a way to bring this feedback to the person who most needs to hear it, your relationship is at serious risk.

As a family therapist I can state this is perhaps THE most common reason relationships fail. Once one or both parties stop bringing useful feedback into the system, the system begins to decay.

There are lots of reasons why folks stop speaking up for what they feel, need and want, and if you are one of these folks this is a great reason to seek professional help.

YOUR COMMUNICATIONS

When Steve and Mark took off skiing, they did not notice as a small memo fell out of the car. Steve’s dad had left it on the dashboard. It read:

“Add 3 quarts of oil before driving.”

Had they seen this (and acted upon it), the car would not have ended up on the scrap heap.

In this case, Steve’s dad simply did not make sure his note would be seen. Maybe he should have taped it to the window; or made an announcement over dinner the night before.

So, it’s all very well to have inner sensors and prompt and timely feedback, but if the way this feedback is communicated is ineffective, the car may still end up in the junk heap.

Think about it. Are you too vague, too hostile, or too late with the feedback you give? Do you dissipate your truth in gossip to all the wrong people?

“Problems communicating” is the number #1 reason couples give for why they seek help and a little coaching here can go a long way.

YOUR REGULAR CHECK UPS

Had the lads been curious about the overall health of the car, a simple dip-stick oil check at the Monroe service station would have given them a clue about the car’s oil crisis.

Relationships get heavy wear and tear, especially in long term partnerships involving kids, pets, houses, mortgages, savings, elderly relations, a business etc.

There’s a reason that cars have scheduled service checks ups.
There’s a reason our bodies get wellness check ups.
There are many good reasons for why it would be a good idea to stay curious and open to noticing if your emotional relationships are happy and healthy, or could use some tune ups.

To paraphrase: “Just because it don’t seem broke don’t mean it ain’t.”

If you are not sure about the health of your relationship, ask your partner.

And… see below.

YOUR ABILITY TO ATTEND TO SMALL WARNINGS

Right at that “click, click, click” stage, had Steve pulled over, diagnosed a lack of oil and added some, the car might still have been saved.

By all means stay curious (see above) but definitely get more curious if you begin to sense some warning signals.

Is anything less enjoyable or happy than before? Is silence replacing communication? Is one of you getting extra busy, or staying away? Might your physical symptoms have an emotional cause?

If you can no longer have a honest heart-to-heart (what my daughter calls a “D & M” for deep-and-meaningful) conversation, it would be wise to schedule a session for you both with a professional just to see what’s under the hood.

YOUR ABILITY TO TAKE ACTION

Remember the “clunk, clunk, clunk” stage? It still might not have been too late to stop, take stock, and solve the problem.

But, those lads kept right on driving. It’s so wonderfully, understandably human to put the blinkers on and hope that s/he will be fine / get over it / change / shut-up / be happy again. However, if you want to keep the relationship alive, prompt and “just right” action is needed.

Question is, what action?

Often this is where the affair, drinking binge, show-down-fight, new baby, or “mid-life crisis” becomes the action-of-choice.

If you are at the stage of wanting to do something – anything – to take care of your emotional pain, make an appointment with a good relationship therapist, pronto!

YOUR ABILITY TO OVERCOME YOUR FEAR

Still stuck like a deer in the headlights? Is your head pounding or your heart thumping like that poor, straining engine in its last revs? Are you too frightened to admit there is a problem, and too clueless as to what to do?

Meet FEAR. Utter, paralyzing terrifying fear.

It’s emergency room time folks.

Before you hit the “I’m outta here ~ this relationship is dead” button, make an appointment. Alone. Together. It does not matter at this point. Remember, you are by the roadside. Your engine is near dead. It’s time for the experts to give an honest opinion and offer some solutions.

YOUR ABILITY TO LEARN FROM PAST MISTAKES AND MOVE ON

When Mark and Steve look at that engine dripping its molten metal onto the snowy roadside and Steve asks “Hey Mark, do you think it’s serious?” we all know the truth, right?

That engine has died.

Too much damage has been done.

Too many opportunities to make small repairs have come and gone.

This happens with relationships too.

There can come a time when what was once a robust, lively vibrant family car / relationship is now unrecognizable and beyond hope of revival.

It can still be a good time to get some help grieving, and learning how things could be different “next time.” Especially if this is not the first car you’re wrecked. Or the first once-wonderful relationship that has burned up before your eyes.

END NOTE

What did Steve and Mark do?

Accurately appraising the situation — “Well, the car’s not going anywhere now!” — they grabbed their ski gear, locked the car and hitched up to the ski area. After an epic day they hitched down to town, got a towing company to move the car to a nearby gas station off the road, and confessed to Steve’s dad.

This is perhaps the most surreal part of the story. Astonishingly he was not mad! He took responsibility for his part in the communication break down. They were down one car for a while, and then the family bought another car, which they still let Steve drive!

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the eighth article in a year-long series about the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-did.”

Click the box for the full list → → →

If you are interested in reading this blog in sequence, here are links to previous articles, with #1 being the first and #7 the article before this.

Join me for the whole series. You can sign up at the top of this page, on the right.

NEXT WEEK?

In March I’m exploring the third in my Top 12 Relationship Skills series. For January and February we’ve been focusing on only 50% of any given relationship ~ YOU.

In March we’ll talk about the skills you need when handling the other 50% ~ THE OTHER PERSON.

How can you take all you’ve learned in January and February and use it to understand other people? Ready for a little primer in how to think like a therapist?

Self Leadership

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You’re poised, hand on the doorknob, about to enter a challenging situation.

Inside are people whose words, deeds, whispers and decisions will impact you.

Your heart’s racing, your head’s throbbing, your jaw is clenched, your shoulders tense. Your face is a shifting map of anxiety.

Right then, do you wish you’d made time for some emotional preparedness, or are you fine with that same old charge-in-and-deal-with-the consequences mode?

Some of us go through our whole lives charging about and dealing with the emotional fall-out. But sometimes, after one emotional blitzkrieg too many, it occurs to us that maybe there’s another way.

We left Holly right here last week as she was about to attend a niece’s birthday. There, at yet another family gathering with her four married siblings and their flock of offspring, she would typically experience herself as being pitied and gossiped about. All traces of her strong, professional and capable self would be replaced by a self-doubting, fumbling and emotionally labile alter-ego. It could have felt, yet again, like a no-win situation.

This time however, things were very different.

Holly had had enough of the cross-her-fingers-drink-too-much-and-hope-things-won’t-be-too-awful approach to relationships with her family.

She’d recognized how she could be strong-yet-compassionate in most places, yet weak and whiny around her family. Hummm… so there was more than one version of herself.
She’d seen how these weak and whiny Parts of her seemed to show up in familiar ways, and how she’d behave as if she was being run by a much younger vulnerable and reckless version of herself.
She’d learned how to notice these shifts – to be both the one with the emotions and the one noticing herself emoting.
And she’d had some experiences lately where she was able to notice the younger, emotional Parts of herself and interview them as if they were separate people. She could attend to those Parts and find out what they believed and feared.
And, most important for today’s post, she’d learned how to bring compassionate leadership to these inner Parts.

She’d started down the life-long path toward Self-leadership.

************

We left off last week wondering about Self-leadership.

SELF ~ I described Self as that which remains once all the chatter of your inner Parts quiets down.

If you meditate, this might be a familiar concept.

Meditation, like encountering your Self, brings perspective and freedom. The moment you notice your mind as it thinks, chatters, forms and shares opinions, fosters fears and tells tales – then you are not your mind. You are your mind + an observer. So, who is the observer?

“You” – some separate “You” – is noticing the drama, which means that you are not the drama.

There are loads of advantages to spending time connecting to this centered place (here are 20-scientific-reasons-to-start-meditating)

But inviting this centered “You” to be a Leader for your inner world expands upon the benefits of normal meditating in an astonishingly helpful way.

The WHAT ~ SELF-LEADERSHIP describes a state where your inner, loving, wise Self brings a healing combination of genuine curiosity and loving compassion to all your inner Parts such that they can tell their story, feel heard, release their extreme positions and let go of untrue limiting beliefs so they can trust You, your Self, to lead the way. It really is a leadership thing.

Huh?

I’ll break this down using Holly’s situation. (See here is you missed meeting Holly last week).

Remember, Holly is already practicing 4 important things:

She recognizes there’s not just one Holly; that she has a variety of inner Parts;
She notices how these Parts interact and have a purposeful relationship with one another;
She is so aware of her rich inner family of Parts that she can actually speak FOR these different Parts; e.g., “Part of me is dreading this family gathering, as usual. But another Part’s excited to try something different.”
And, she is finally coming to believe she doesn’t have to be a victim of her moods and frightened young Parts. She is ready to cultivate ~

The HOW ~ SELF-LEADERSHIP

To teach something, I think it helps to break it into clear steps. However, over time this way of bringing your full compassionate Self into any given moment can happen instantly.

Know too that initially it helps to put some time and effort into this sort of self-reflection, before you encounter a tough situation. Holly chose to work with me for a few sessions to make sure she was on the right path. But this work can be done alone – which is why I am excited to share it with you here.

Here’s the process ~

1. ROLL CALL ~ Identify the Parts who might get triggered by a specific event.*

It helps to get an image in your mind’s eye and treat each Part as an intact person, with feelings and needs. Here are the five Parts Holly identified.

Her inner recluse
Her no-nonsense task-master
Her vulnerable, not-good-enough-because-I’m-not-married
Her devil-may-care
Her yearning-to-connect

* This can be hard so don’t beat yourself up if you are only aware of 1 or 2 Parts of you. If you are interested in getting better at this visit here for an IFS therapist in your area. A couple of sessions with a professional who is trained in helping you discover these Parts can make a big difference. Or drop me a line (gemma@gemmautting.com) and I’ll give you some pointers.

2. CHECK-IN ~ One at a time, check in with each Part.

Keep it simple. Just ask ~

What are you afraid will happen?
What do you need from me to make sure that doesn’t happen?

Here’s Holly and her Recluse demonstrating.

Holly So I hear you’re worried about an upcoming family birthday. I’d love to know what you’re worried about.

Recluse I’m worried it’s going to be so noisy and chaotic and I’ll feel trapped in there with everyone thinking I’m going to freak out!

Holly Yes, I know that feeling and it sucks! What do you need this time to feel less trapped?

Recluse Well, I guess I’d feel better if I could give myself permission to take a break when things get too loud. Maybe I could just let Sally know I’m going to take the dog around the block for 20 minutes, which might help a lot.

3. MAKE A PLAN ~ Take each fear seriously, and make a plan.

Stay compassionate with all these Parts of yourself. Chances are they are young and they need you to take their concerns seriously. Imagine a little fellow in his footie PJs is frightened the under-the-bed monster is back. He just needs you to take a peek and let him know if it’s all clear. Then he can feel safe. Would you do that for him? Same difference here.

Does this seem too simple?

Here’s what is going under this simple façade ~

1. You’ve gathered great data. By focusing not only on what’s “out there” in the external world of people, you’ve also focused “in here”, on your internal family of Parts.

2. You’ve taken stock, assessed potential dangers and identified potential allies. You’re forewarned.

3. You’ve taken charge. When you feel a situation is heading south (which you can do easily now since you’re in communication with those Parts of you on the emotional front lines) you are in a position to check-in with all the Parts who are triggered; weigh their possibly conflicting needs; review the pre-planned solutions; make a decision and lead your inner family of Parts in a way that is as good as possible for the all of you.

Remember how it was before you knew this stuff?

Remember that doorknob?

You were poised, about to enter a challenging situation. Inside were people whose words, deeds, whispers and decisions would impact you.

Your heart was racing, your head throbbing, your jaw clenched, your shoulders tense. Your face was a shifting map of anxiety.

You had no control over anything. Talk about a vulnerable place to be!

And, now that you have some skills?

Same challenging situation behind those doors.

Same possibility that the words, deeds, whispers and decisions of the people inside might impact you.

But this time, you’re not alone.

You’ve invited your wise Self along.

Your younger Parts have been encouraged to share their concerns. They feel much less anxious now they’ve been heard.

You’ve got a plan.

Your Self has your back.

That’s Self Leadership.

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the seventh article in a year-long series about the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-did.”

Click the box for the full list → → →

If you are interested in reading this blog in sequence, here are links to previous articles, with #1 being the first and #6 the article before this.

Join me for the whole series. You can sign up at the top of this page, on the right.

NEXT WEEK?

My friend Hannah and I love to swap good quotes. One of her favorites is from Eeyore, who comments to Pooh one day

“Not all of us can. And some of us don’t.”

That is of course true for lots of things, including this sort of inner work. Sometimes, try as we might, we can’t bring our Self to have enough authority to lead our pack of inner Parts.

Try as we might, we get triggered by things our partner, boss, child, in-laws or friends say to us. Next week I’m gong to talk about what you can do then, when you feel you’ll be forever held hostage by your highly emotional Parts. Because, I suppose, the opposite of Eeyore’s statement would be ~

“Not all of us can’t, and some of us do.”

WANT MORE?

The Brain’s Ability to Look Within: A Secret to Self-Mastery

The author makes a great case for the benefits of tuning into our inner selves.

Happy Families?

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Imagine your family is oblivious to your feelings and needs, but still demands your loyalty, presence and engagement with family events. The “Lady Edith” dilemma. This is also Holly’s (whom you’ll meet in a minute) predicament.

Is there anything either of them can do to improve this situation?

Maybe this isn’t your problem, but perhaps you have other relationships which leave you feeling bruised, frustrated and yearning to change?

Welcome! This is a place to explore what it means to cultivate great relationships with partners, family, friends, kids, neighbors, work mates. With people you love deeply, and with people you’re tempted to dislike, or even write off.

In January I made the case that step one in creating great relationships is to get to know yourself in a whole new way. In brief:

Recognize there’s not just one “you”. Notice how different people elicit a different version of you. We have distinct inner Parts. See here.
Your Parts exist in relationship to one another. Tune into your inner chatter and you’ll hear one Part persuading, critiquing, judging, dismissing, ignoring or protecting another Part. See here.
This is not random. Your Parts each behave purposefully in one of three ways: to proactively manage your day to day, to exile your deepest vulnerabilities or to dowse your inner pain when it is triggered. See here.

This month I’m exploring how – in the midst of this community of Parts – we can become proactive and choose how we show up.

************

Meet Holly (with the tough family). Her story is an amalgam of several prior client situations. She’d love to improve her relationship with her family and we meet her now as she anticipates attending a family birthday.

Holly’s one of five kids and the only one not yet popping out the grand-babies for her folks who have morphed from stern, judgmental, distant parents into indulgent and fawning grandparents.

It’s yet another birthday for a niece or nephew, and Holly’s been summoned to attend since, as her mother says every year and for every birthday “How could you miss! Don’t you want to celebrate with your family?”

Holly is already familiar with her variety of Parts who get triggered by these events:

Her inner recluse starts screaming and a feeling of suffocation begins to overwhelm her at the thought of the noise and chaos that happens when 20 people gather to eat sugar and offer too many gifts to a small child;

Her no-nonsense task-master starts trying to plan how to entertain the younger kids so there will be some planned cohesion to the afternoon’s chaos;

Her vulnerable, not-good-enough-because-I’m-not-married Part swoops in and she finds herself alternately sobbing and raging at her parents’ agenda for her in the days leading up to the event;

Her devil-may-care Part makes sure she brings several additional bottles of Prosecco so she can always pour another glass when the going gets too tough;

And her yearning-to-connect Part braces for the disappointment that usually follows when Holly tries to have a meaningful conversation with her favorite sister Sally at family gatherings.

Holly has done some terrific emotional homework.

She’s discovered her ~

Managers – the recluse & her no-nonsense-Parts

Exiles – her vulnerable-not-good-enough-because-I’m-not-married, & yearning-to-connect Parts

Firefighters – her devil-may-care Part

(see this Post if you are not familiar with these terms)

And she knows how these Parts tag-team to keep her functioning at these family events. Her Managers keep her alternately seeming like a one-woman island unto herself, or chivvying everyone like a kindergarten teacher, both of which are acceptable to her family and serve to minimize her need to connect at any meaningful level with them. Alternating aloof with busy has the added advantage of minimizing her exiled emotional pain which is easily triggered by her family’s judgment and distance. And, as soon as the pain is tapped into, it’s “fire-fighters-to-the-rescue” and somehow her glass is constantly re-filled with the highly effective “lets-numb-out-on-booze” response.

But she wants to do this differently. These behaviors only reinforce her family’s dim view of her mental stability and life choices. She wishes she could be with them as she is in other contexts, where she experiences herself as strong, interesting and capable.

Holly knows no one in the family (with the possible exception of Sally) has the desire or ability to change how they all relate, so it’s up to her.

With me, as well as working to understand the variety of ways she shows up and how they can trip her up, Holly is also learning to speak FOR her Parts, not FROM them. This means (with reference to the upcoming birthday party) that rather than act out her feelings of frustration with her family by huffing, sighing, rolling her eyes and snapping at them, she can say (even if only to herself to start with) “You know, Part of me gets frustrated by these high-stress family gatherings, but there’s also a Part of me who’s happy to be invited and wants to continue to try and connect with my siblings.” See here to learn more about this idea.

So – what should Holly do?

Below are 4 options for Holly. You choose ~

_____a. Cross her fingers and just go.

Pros: no effort needed in prior planning and you never know! The family might be attentive, kind and finally interested in her life; the kids might be calm and the cake tasty.
Cons: This never happens! Last birthday ended up with her leaving early, drunk, and in tears after screaming at Sally.

_____b. Decline the invitation and avoid the whole thing.

Pros: She would not get hurt that day.
Cons: She’d pay for it for years to come in guilt trips from the family.

_____c. Just pick one Part and stick with it. Right now she’s totally blended with the imagined security of her no-nonsense Part. That’s the one!

Pros: If she could do this, it might work. She’d organize the smaller relatives, stay busy, avoid talking with anyone else, and leave early.
Cons: Zero buy-in from the other Parts pretty much guarantees that they’ll show up. And then we’re back to option a.

_____d. Practice some pre-emptive self-leadership so she is aware of her inner dynamics and can trust her Self to finesse whatever happens.

Pros: Knowing she can keep her Parts attended to, Holly is free to enjoy the Party. She can risk having conversations with family members because even if they can’t control how they are with her, she can handle what is going on for her. As she masters her ability to be compassionate and present with her internal community of Parts, she notices she is able to feel acceptance and compassion toward her external community of people.
Cons: Getting to this stage takes a strong desire, a willingness to be honest, and a level of compassion toward oneself that takes time to cultivate.

OK – if Holly’s goal is to improve her relationships with her family, which of the above scenarios would you pick for her?

Most folks choose options a, b or c and those are good if your goal is to simply cope, or get through something. But improving things takes a different approach.

If Holly is committed to improving her relationships, then it’s up to her to BE someone else, and DO something different, which makes (d) a compelling option.

What’s this pre-emptive self-leadership Holly needs before she can enjoy herself at the party?

Self-leadership describes a state where your best self, or maybe your true self, becomes the wise, loving adult to all your younger inner Parts.

This true Self (which I’ll now refer to as Self) is the you which remains once all the chatter of your inner Parts quiets down.

Self is present when your heart melts into compassion for these young Parts, instead of the usual judgment, criticism, and impatience.

You’ve met this Self before.

It’s the still point at your center when you meditate.

It’s where music and art can take you.

Or the particular beauty of earth ~

Or the vast, unknowable majesty of space ~

Self is the still-point amidst all the hubbub.

NEXT WEEK

Discover how to connect to your Self, and learn how to bring this Self into a loving relationship with your Parts. This is the key to that pre-emptive Self-Leadership Holly will need (we all need) if we are to connect deeply with others. And it begins when we connect with our Self.

FIRST TIME HERE?

This is the sixth article in a year-long series about the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-did.”

Click the box for the full list → → →

If you are interested in reading this blog in sequence, here are links to previous articles, with #1 being the first and #5 the article before this.

Join me for the whole series. You can sign up at the top of this page, on the right.

Report The News – Don’t Act It Out

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Welcome!

This is the fifth article in a year-long series about the “12-most-important-relationship-skills-no-one-ever-taught-me-in-school-but-I-sure-wish-they-did.”

Click the box for the full list → → →

January’s tip was to Recognize (and get to know) the many “yous.”

See January 7th, 14^th, 21^st & 28^th).

The next important skill I wish I’d learned builds upon these ideas: I wish I’d learned how to be pro-active and choose how I show up in my relationships.

Put another way, who is really in charge of all these inner parts? Do they duke it out and the Part with the meanest emotions gets to win? It can certainly feel like that. What happens when I swear up and down I’m going to be ~

A calm good listener when my teenager has a melt down – but I end up screaming too;
Trusting as my spouse goes through job interviews – but I end up offering advice and we fight;
Open to feedback at my annual review – but I’m defensive and whiny;
Patient with my aged parents – but frustration totally takes over.

Not that I’m comparing or anything, but it seems to me that some folks can actually stay on script. If they decide to be good listeners, or trusting or open minded or patient – astonishingly they are. They have “a decider” and they listen to him or her.

They seem to have some on-board leadership.

This month I’ll help you discover and strengthen your own self-leadership.

************

WHAT DOES SELF-LEADERSHIP LOOK LIKE?

Being self-led is in the same area of self-mastery as ~

self-control
being conscious
having the lights on in the attic
being awake
being enlightened.

They are big ideas and can seem too grand or unattainable.

But, when you bite off one small ability at a time, this is a very do-able skill. Brings to mind my motto for this year which is on my favorite mug .The goal (or “aim” since this is not a goal-oriented journey) of self-leadership is that you become increasingly aware of what you ~

Feel
Think
Believe
Say
Do

This idea underpins every self-improvement journey – emotional, cognitive, spiritual, narrative & behavioral – that you undertake. What we are looking for here is a way to take a meta position in our day to day experience. This means we are able to cultivate a little distance between the ~

one who feels, and the one who notices that you have certain feelings
one who thinks, and the one who notices that you have certain thoughts
one who believes, and the one who notices that you have certain beliefs
one who speaks, and the one who notices that you are saying certain things
one who acts, and the one who notices that you are acting in a certain way.

Do you see it?

You are already more than one person. You are the one feeling, thinking, believing, speaking and acting, as well as the one who notices your self doing all of this.

Of all the 12 relationship skills I’m exploring this year, getting your heart and mind around this one point will probably pay the biggest dividends.

The best metaphor I can come up with today is . . . the weather report.

Yup – the weather report on TV. It’s not meant to be entertaining. It’s meant to give you useful news-you-can-use as you go about your day. It’s usually delivered in a similar format you come to count on, and it’s not too hyped up or prone to exaggeration.

Here’s one from the BBC describing the weather expected on June 12, 2011. You don’t need to watch much to get the idea. The reporter calmly observes what is happening and what might soon be happening. There’s not too much drama and this allows you to take it all in.

Now watch the one below and notice the difference.

The second one is goofy and fun, I know. But here’s how to use this contrast to think about the first step in becoming more conscious about your own emotional, Parts-driven process.

There is a BIG difference between reporting the weather with some perspective of the big picture, and reporting the weather by acting out each possible meteorological event. The first method gives a reassuring sense that the BBC and its reporters will prevail – no matter what the weather. The second one has us feeling buffeted and concerned that the studios themselves will be knocked off-kilter by the storms they are reporting on.

Same for how you report on your inner Parts. If you can cultivate that bit of distance from their emotional content, and report on them from a distance, the listener will have the sense that there is someone in charge. But if you get pulled into any particular Parts storm (screaming, crying, arguing, playing victim, etc) the listener gets buffeted about and will be reacting to just that Part. Instead, you want them to be in relationship to you. The all of you. When that one who notices does the reporting, he or she can see the big picture and take the lead.

Here is what it looks like to report FOR your Parts versus FROM your Parts.

A) FOR YOUR PARTS – “You know, Part of me feels a bit skeptical about this explanation and another Part is frustrated since finding just the right metaphor is tough. But I gotta tell you this is playful and fun and there are Parts of me really hoping you like this.”

Versus

B) FROM YOUR PARTS – “You might hate this and I’m having a really hard time figuring out how to describe my main point. But I really hope you like it.”

What do you notice about your reaction to these two ways I’ve just communicated with you?

What I notice is that when I speak FOR my parts (example A), I am able to hold my ideas and agenda more lightly. I’m able to see which Parts of me are showing up. Noticing and reporting lets me slow things down. And as I name the Parts I don’t feel so overtaken by them. In fact, just the act of reporting on them give me some perspective and distance.

When I speak FROM my parts, I feel less resourceful, more wedded to an agenda (that you like my work) and somehow I feel more needy. Like my happiness is dependent upon your response to me. Yuk!

OK, let’s go back to the 4 examples at the start of this bog written in blue type. These are examples of how I want to behave in one way, but end up behaving quite differently. Here’s how these situations could be transformed by this one skill: The skill of Reporting FOR instead of speaking FROM your Parts.

READY?

You want to be ~

1) A calm good listener when your teenager has a melt down, but you end up screaming too;

Think S.O.S.
STOP and take a deep breath.
OBSERVE your impulses. What Parts are up?
SPEAK UP Report on your inner Parts situation, like the weather person does.

e.g.; “Oh boy Molly. When you end up screaming at me, Part of me wants to scream right back at you. I’m a whole mix of emotions. Part is just plain mad for sure. But Part of me is frightened – I always worry when you are out in the car late. Part of me is disappointed since I thought we’d been through this last week and made a plan. And Part of me totally empathizes with you. I did things like this when I was your age.”

2) Trusting, as your spouse goes through job interviews, but you end up offering advice and having a fight;

Think S.O.S.
STOP and take a deep breath.
OBSERVE your impulses. What Parts are up?
SPEAK UP Report on your inner Parts situation, like the weather person does.

e.g., “You know Bill, when you tell me about your interviews I have all these mixed responses. Part of me wants to help by giving advice but I know that bugs you and makes you think I don’t trust you. Part of me feels so proud of you – that you keep on going even after several rejections. Part of me wants to rescue you and say to give up – it’s too hard! What do you need from me right now?”

For the above examples, you could give your Parts report out loud.

These next two are more subtle because you’ll be better off giving yourself your own inner Parts Report before you say anything. You want to be ~

3) Open to feedback in your annual review – but you are defensive and whiny

Think S.O.S.
STOP and take a deep breath.
OBSERVE your impulses. What Parts are up?
SPEAK UP Report to yourself on what is happening for you.

e.g., “Humm I can feel my cheeks reddening and I’m mad this guy hasn’t noticed all the great things I’ve done. I want to defend myself but don’t want to come off as defensive and whiny. Let me think of what to say that keeps me respectful but powerful.”

4) Patient with your aged parents – but frustration totally takes over.

Think S.O.S.
STOP and take a deep breath.
OBSERVE your impulses. What Parts are up?
SPEAK UP Report to yourself on what is happening for you.

e.g., “Ok deep breath time. I know Dad is lonesome and loves to tell his tales. But I’ve heard that story what — 1,000 times now? Part of me is about to hit the walls and another Part wants to interrupt and head him off at the pass. Can I think of a story that I might actually enjoy hearing again?”

WANT TO TRY SOMETHING?

See if you can report on your inner Parts – like the BBC reporter. You can try saying what you notice out loud to someone “You know, Part of me wants to go to that movie with you, and Part of me really wants to stay home with a good book.”

NEXT

Once you know how to notice and report on your inner Parts activity, you’ll be ready to know how to make decisions, based upon this information. Like the “go-to-movie-or-stay-home” dilemma above. Now you notice the varying points of view, how does your decider decide?

HINT – it has a great deal to do with the wisdom of your inner “one who notices.”

FEATURED IMAGE

Prince Charles reading the Scottish weather forecast on the BBC, back on May 10th 2012.